Dave Bautista and Kumail Nanjiani Take a Lie Detector Test | Vanity Fair

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email.
Yeah.
Mr.
Batista.
Hi.
You're gonna be taking a lie detector test today.
Okay.
You guys ready?
Yeah.
So one of you will be hooked up to the machine while the other asks questions, and then you'll switch.
Okay.
Was itching to go first.
Who wants to be strapped in first struck me.
I got distracted.
Devil gets trapped in first.
You've got a live picture to know.
Why would you assume that?
I don't like the O.
Uh, Sure.
Okay.
Are you ready?
I kind of feel like I'm set up for failure.
So uncomfortable, like light.
Just feel like I'm being interrogated.
Glory.
I only tell the truth.
Okay, here we go.
So I'm just gonna set up a base line to make sure the numbers are good.
Is your name Dave Batista?
Go.
No, David.
Michael.
But he's still trying to be honest.
Okay.
All right.
Were you born and born in Washington?
D.
C?
It was okay.
Yes.
Are you ready to take this lie detector test?
Yes.
How many tattoos do you have, David?
Six, 66 Tattoos?
Yes.
See six huge ones.
Why the's air?
All connected.
So you figure they're just one Okay, so there's overlap.
Yeah.
One.
Have you ever had a tattoo removed?
No.
Would you ever consider getting a friendship tender with me?
Yes.
So what is it?
David?
Michael Batiste.
Virginia.
Yes.
So did Michael Batista Junior collect vintage lunch box?
Is that true?
That is true.
Do you think that makes you less intimidating?
Yes.
Do you have a favorite one?
Yes.
That is a 1967 Green Hornet lunchbox.
Okay.
And why is that?
You've ever won.
Because as Bruce Lee on Is it true you were once a nightclub bouncer?
Yes.
True.
13 years.
Do you think you have me to the club?
Yes.
What if I was wearing flip flops in jeans?
It depends on which club.
Okay.
Did you see a lot of Ed Hardy when you were a bonds?
No.
Okay.
Was it Hardy was after after.
So you're the father of a few pit bulls.
Is that correct to just what you say?
Do you think pitbull is your spirit animal?
Probably not.
What would it be?
Well, we just stared at it.
Something I don't know, something probably smaller and more lovable.
A Very like, um, what would you say my spirit animal would be giggle.
Okay, You follow in accounting Instagram called Pigs on instant.
Wow.
If you guys went through were followed an instant trouble.
Uh, that's correct.
Yes.
Why?
Because I love pigs.
I love pigs.
And I don't believe people should report no need.
Is it true you?
You're part of the W w E for 20 years.
Just under truck.
Ares?
Yes.
You miss it.
Do you miss wrestling thing?
This guy?
I will.
I don't at this point because it's still very fresh, but yes, he was the best.
You miss wearing the wrestling outfit?
Um, no.
Do you still wear a Speedo This way?
Yes.
Which is why I told you this.
You ever stuff your Speedo?
Never do guys do that.
I don't know.
I'm sure they do.
Okay.
Do you think I could take on any of the wrestlers?
WWF?
Yes, Most of the current roster.
Uh uh.
What do you think my wrestler name would be we talked about?
Yes.
Back attack.
Have you ever watched the television show glow?
Yes.
Do you know what go stands for use?
Yeah, uh, glamorous ladies of wrestling.
Gorgeous.
Gorgeous leaves first would you consider yourself to be a gorgeous man of wrestling?
No.
Well, bad news.
Everyone else does.
Would you say Marvel fans are crazier than wrestling fans?
No, not even close.
Okay, here's a big question.
Okay.
Do you do push ups sunset before the cameras roll?
Not regularly.
Just what I have in my career.
Yes, Yes.
When it's just start laughing or something.
No, not even 12 shirtless scene.
But I once was.
I saw another guy doing push ups and I figure if he's going to push me Oh, who was the other guy?
Um I remember the movie.
It was man with the iron Fist.
Yeah, I don't remember the actor does he light so far, yet he has not lied, you know, honest person bad.
Do you think if I followed your workout regimen, I could be a cz?
Biggest you?
No, that wasn't the line with it.
What za matter of structure?
I am gorilla esque person.
Have a big head and big bones.
Big hands learn long arms so genetically.
That's correct.
But you could be a very muscular person.
Could you answer it already?
Who would win in an arm wrestle.
Drax are grouped.
Groot.
Really?
Yes.
I think he's stronger than drugs.
He's got that tree strike.
Yeah, I think, uh, dragsters just meaner than more tenacious.
What about a wrestling match between you and this guy?
An arm wrestling match?
Boone.
I'm sorry.
Then he should have flexed about it.
But I love your buddy.
I love you.
Do not.
Why would I be a good addition to the M?
See you.
Yes.
Uh, did you know I'm in the new men in black?
Next question is are you jealous?
And that depends on whether or not you've been too rotten tomato from the last guy.
I no comment on the ratings that men in black is getting, but yes, that you are a part of that franchise is I'm definitely jealous.
You are in the new movie stupor.
Is that correct?
Good.
What?
With your first impression of me, I I thought you were a very warm human being.
You greeted me with a great big smile and you are excited to meet me.
And mental first impressions are everything.
Do you have a good Hooper rating?
I don't know.
I'm not aware of what my uber rating is, but I imagine it's decent.
I'm a good tipper.
Yeah.
Quiet passengers.
I don't fart in the car.
A very polite person.
Very played passenger.
Do you think I have a good uber rating?
You know the answer to that?
You know the answer.
How could anybody give you a bad rating?
If acting doesn't work out?
Would you consider becoming an uber driver?
Um, maybe you could tell us.
I just don't think I'd be a good over driver.
Yeah, but I'm a safe driver.
Right then we go a long way.
I'm just not very conversational person, which might go a long way as well.
Has he lied yet?
No, he is not at any point during this interview did you lie and we didn't catch you?
Yes.
And what was that question it was too?
I remember who I did the push ups for.
And who was that?
I don't want to say because I love and respect this person very much.
Hold on.
Hold on one second.
Hold on.
We're gonna continue this real quick.
Was it the results?
It was Yeah, he was doing curls.
We're getting ready to do our fights and he was doing curls.
A lot of Carl's d'oh look like you.
All right, Well, you did great things.
I didn't do it.
You get it, Admit it.
All right, first question, this we're just gonna start gauging this.
Make sure it's accurate.
Is your name Camille?
Not Johnny.
Come on, Johnny.
When were you born?
In Karachi?
Like a start.
I WAAS.
Have you ever taken a lie detector test before?
I have.
Really?
Yeah.
For what it was for a comedy show.
A lie detector test while doing standup.
You were accused of a crime?
No, I've never been accused of a crime.
Okay, you're starting.
So you move the United States and you're 18.
Is that correct?
18 or 19 years of around there.
And did you do very cliche American activities when you first moved here?
Just what?
Eating apple pine?
Going to be smoking?
I did not go to baseball, but I do love apple pie.
Um, did you buy any I heart New York, New York.
You know, the only I heart thing I have is an I heart Singapore T shirt.
I got you and you moved here to go to college.
This is correct.
And would you say you had a true American college experience?
I mean, I wasn't like partying or I wasn't in a frat or anything like that.
But I had all the ranchers.
And the answer is No.
What would you say your experience was?
More revenge of the nerds or Animal House?
Oh, how it's him or revenge of the nerds of what they're getting at is that I was a nerd.
Yes, I was.
I was not.
Animal.
If those are the two options no other animal of some of us are nerds and animals.
Yeah, You're an actual animal.
Worked out?
Yeah.
Do you think we would have been friends in college?
I would like to think so too.
Do you think you would have helped me get good grades?
You wouldn't need my help to get good grades.
I think that I would help you.
Would you let me cheat off your test?
Yes, you do.
I help people take all the time.
Is it true you first flirted with your now wife by writing her name and bird?
Ooh, that's correct.
That's correct, Slick.
Good God, King.
I have no game Ever tell you.
What do you talking here?
Okay, I don't buy that, but I sort of go.
I've go things.
Do you still use that move to get people to, like, you know, just with Emily?
Now it's in the movie.
Everyone all right?
Uh, why have you never written my name?
I could do it today.
That's my tattoo.
Do you speak word, too?
Is that right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can you teach me a phrase?
Yeah, Well, phrase do you want suck my balls in her?
Do I use that a lot on Twitter?
So yeah.
So now I can use it without mayday to date you.
So I made it.
That teachers.
That's right.
Translated somebody before you married your wife.
Did you ever use dating apps?
No.
No, I tried, but I never went on a date.
But when it was right before that, it was already on.
So you wanted to look around, but I'm never around with the idea.
Yeah, I think it might have met someone on, like, MySpace or Friendster or something like that.
Uh, do you think modern technology is ruining romance?
No.
If I were on tender, what would you write in my bio.
Oh, really?
See, I don't know because I never did it.
I don't know what's good too, right?
I would just say I'm Dave Batista.
What more do you want?
That's that's pretty much the amount of my game.
Would you swiped right on me?
Yes, your wife was a therapist on your father's a psychiatrist.
Is that correct?
She doesn't practice anymore.
So would you call yourself emotionally intelligent?
Sometimes I think all the time you're super mostly until super in touch.
Would you say you have more emotional intelligence than intellectual intelligence?
Wow, that's a good question.
I don't know.
I'm trying to have more emotional intelligence, but I do think I do consider myself smart.
But in Marshall, in time to something I'm trying to work on.
Would you say your wife uses the phrase?
How does that make you feel?
She does not.
She basically gets that across without saying that phrase.
But she knows I'm looking out for that phrase.
She's got my number.
She knows what to do.
Would you call me emotionally intelligent?
Yes.
If I started to cry right now, would you handle it?
Would be able to handle it Yeah, Yeah.
What would you do?
I whatever I listen to you.
But now I'm around your shoulder.
I get step stool in and put my arm around.
You show your super emotionally intelligent dude All right.
What about this man?
Judd Apatow?
Yeah.
What about him?
I think he's great.
He is great.
I'd love to work with him again.
He was He was a producer on Big City.
Great sex.
Do you think he's funny?
Yes.
Do you think he's think is funnier than me?
Is he funnier than you?
It's different kinds of funny.
Did he ever crack a joke?
That wasn't funny, but you.
But you left anyway.
Just to be nice.
Yeah.
I don't blame you.
I would've done the same thing.
This is why we get along.
We get each other, man.
Okay?
You play uber driver in our new movie, Stuber.
And you played a part time who were driver in the big Sick.
But you've never been over driver in real life.
Is that correct?
Justice?
Correct.
Did you do right along with the uber drivers?
No.
Do you have uber elite status?
I don't know what that means.
What?
Really?
Yeah, it was.
But now I know there's a thing called like a subway black card where you get, like, free sandwiches every day.
Something they've Nando's blood to go.
Do you have that?
I don't have one.
Do you have any Any of these?
No.
Just kind of going like you always feel like if they give you something that you old right.
That's right.
That's exactly right.
So But I do love Nando's.
I'm sorry.
You think about food at any point during this interview to July and we didn't catch you.
I didn't mean to.
Is that a yes?
It's I don't think I lied.
I don't think you do.
You, sir.
You know, you're a liar.
You're an honest man.