It's DavidHoppeandfilmmakerproudtoshareaninterview I conductedlastweekwithLouise.
LouiseisunordinaryWoman, just a plainpersonwhohashad a prettyhardtimeinlifefromthestart, gottreatedterribly, probablylike a lotofwomenwhoarewatchingthisvideo.
And, umsoBut I thinkthatmyparentsdidn't knowbetter.
Theyreallydidn't.
And I can't holdthem a grudgeforthat.
Butat 18 then I wantedtoleavebecause I couldn't, youknowanymore.
Andthefourofusleftmorewhere I havetohavethreeundersibling.
Andthenwhen I laugh, yousee, I wasscaredofeverythingintheworld, right?
Sowhen I cameintotheworldbymyselfwithnoknowledgeofanythinginnew, knowledgeablemanandallthat, I gotmyselfinto a badrelationshiprightaway, and I I thinkthatbeingunsureofmyself, beingscaredandandnothaving a greatopinionofmyself, I think I thinkthatsomewhere I didn't believethatcoulddeservebetter.
Andtheotherreasonisthatthefacttobescaredanddoitonmyownintheworld, thefirstmanthatyouknow, lightand I oweme.
I kindof, youknow, holdoninherewiththatguy.
And, youknow, I thinkthat's whathappened.
Wereyouinlovewiththatguy?
Didyouexperiencelovewithhim?
I thinkitwasanemotionalattachmentthat I thoughtthatwaslove.
Okay.
Andafter a while I was 17 hassevenyearsand 1/2 withhim, and I thinkthatthatlove, theysaythatyouloveyourabuser.
Youfallinlovewithyou.
And I thinkthat's whathappened.
Becauseofthefear.
Again, once I wasabused, evenwarsandwhen I wasathome, likehewaslike, actuallyabusingmediaeventuallyphysicallyandwithgardens.
And, uh, itwasterrifyingtimeforme, and I couldn't leavebecauseofthatfear.
Butwhen I gotmykids, thatwasthemostbeautifulthingthathappenedtomeatthattime.
So, uh, I hungontorun, andbutButafter a while, when I lookatthemgrow, wewereabouttwoyearsold, almost.
Andthen I thought, Oh, mygosh.
And I'm gonnaletmykidsgrowinthatkindofenvironmentandSo I startedtotrytofind a waytogetoutofthatsituation.
And I tried a couplefrom, but, um, youalwaysgotmebackintheprince.
Andthewaywelookateachotherwithgazingeachotheratchurchandalwaysfindingit a reasonto, uh, youknow, totalkitwouldwaitformeattheendofthemastertogiveme a littleprayertoeorsomething.
Youknow, a a booktoreador, youknow, soyouknow.
Butyousee, atthatpoint, nevertoldmeusLike I said, because I thinkyoucouldn't.
Okay, I couldn't tellhimbecause I wastoonervousbecause I couldn't believethat a manlikehimwouldinvolvebeinginlovewithyoubecause I stillhadthatideaofmyselfthat I didn't deservegreatthingsinmylife.
So I kindof I kindofbrokegetmyselfbetweenusbecauseofthathere I had.
And I thinkthathehadfearalsoonhissidebecauseofthechurch.
So I wereour, um, roads, likeseparatedbecausewhenyoucamereally, reallyclosetobetogether, Okay.
And, umthentheysenthimaway.
Ourmoney, okay?
Andthenand I couldn't notbe.
They'renotseeinghimrightfor a month.
Therewas a lotforme, and, uh, whenhecamebackthatsomethinghadhappenedwiththatyoucoulditwouldbelongtoexplain.
Butsomethinghappenedwithmymyam.
Mywords I choseinEnglish.
Yes.
Andsoheunderstoodsomething, uh, inthelongway.
And I reallywantedtoexplainitintherightway, andit's a letter I hadsenthim, right?
Andit's a funnyone.
Itwasthewordmadecontainbecauseoncewhenweweretalkingtoeachotherinthein a meetingand, um, hesaidthat, um, youneedtobedetained, right?
Because I was, youknow, nottrusting.
Andand, umand I usethatwordintheenvelopethat I trustyounow.
Sodon't hopedon't breakthattrust.
ButinsteadofwritingTame, I switchedtwolettersand I wroteMeethow, unlikethewholeletterwentanotherdirection, I laughedaboutit.
Todaygoes, It's openthebackthen I wassoswiftoutreallywantedtobringandontheenvelopebecauseintheletter I askedhimthatweneedtomeetsomewhere, justyouand I, youknow, awayfromthechurch, awayfromthosepeople, right?
Andsoheontheladder.
When I triedtoexplainthemaintaining, I said, I wantmyletterbackandhebroughtitback.
Butyouwroteontheneedofit.
You'llnotcallwaitingtofind a place.
Andthatwaslike, Wow, but I wassocaughtupontomymistakeofmywordthat I didn't readthatlittlesentenceonhim.
Youjuststart a bigword.
Me.
Okay, grabtheletter.
Wenthomecryingandcrying.
Andthenafter I tooktheletteragain, makesure, like, did I reallywritethatwhen I readit?
Thenthat's when I noticedthat, youknowsomethingofhim.
E gotsoexcited.
Says, Oh, hewantstomeet.
And, youknow, I wasexcited.
Butwhen I sawhimthenexttime, somemusicandthatwas a shockand I didn't understandbecausethepriestsinthemeantime, thevenuewhatwasgoingonandwhendidn't helpthesituationwasonewomanintheparishthatshewassupportedLeetobemyfriendandhelpingmeout.
And, um, I invitedherandherhusband, and, um, weweresittinginthelivingroomtalkingandweweregazingagain.
Andwhenheleft, shesays, Oh, myGodisinlovewithyou.
And I didn't say a word, right?
Soandthenshetried.
ShecamebackhometryingtoisAreyouinlovewithhim?
Areyouinlovewithhim.
And I hadtosay, because I can't lie.
And I justsaid, Yeah, I aminlovewiththemOh, it's okaytobeinlovewithhim.
Butdon't goanyfurtherthanthat, though.
Andthenshewentandshetoldthepriestissuperiorwhatwashappeningbetweenus, and I thinktheyhad a doubtaboutit.
Butmaybethatdidn't reallycomefromthis.
Andsheshedid a lotofbadthingstobethatwomanlikeuntillike, onedayshecamehomeandagainarrestingmewiththat.
Andthen I said, Look, you'realsoinlovewiththepriestsbecauseshetoldmeherstoryandyouevenkissedhim.
ThatcallallthenameAndthenthepeople, like, startedtochangeyourattitudewithmeintheparishinandstartedtogetshot, andthenpeoplewouldcometomyhouseandyoucan't beinlovewiththepriestor I wouldwalkonthestreet.
Theysay, I wishyou'd gotohellandallkindsofstuff.
Somuchpressure.
Andthepriesthimself, hissuperiorwouldcometome.
Uhuh, takemeinhisofficeandtrapmeinhisoffice, and I wouldgohomeand I wouldcry.
Allofthatwentonandonandonforyearsuntilthey I gotexhausted.
Andthen I decidedtomoveaway.
PriestnothelpyouduringthistimeyouhaveItwasnotallowedtotalktomeNomorelike I wenttoseehim, thecompetitioncorneredhimintheconfessionalandsay, Look, tellmeifyoudon't loveme, atleast I canwant I needtoknow.
There's a priestthatcommittedsuicideandsomanystories.
Sosad.
Soyes, I dobelievethattheyarewrongandweshouldfixthisstoryoffcelibacy.
It's outdated.
Well, I knowbecauseyoucontactedmethatyouactuallywrote a bookandyouweren't a writer, a professionalwriter, Soshowmethebookandthentellme, Whydidyouwritethatbook?
That's a veryboldthingtodo, Louise.
Well, formeandthinkinglikesincetheytheyhadputthatlovesilenceuponthepriestsandinlovewith, uh, ofcourse, theydidputthesamelawonme, obviously, because I couldn't speakandeverythinghadtobesoforme, I gowhat's sosickanddepressedafter a whilewhen I leftfromthere, I wasawayfromhimand I couldn't copeemotionally, and I wasdepressedand I evensuicidal.
It's a saidtherapeuticalwayofgettingoutwhat's happened, and I did, anditwassohelpful.
And I justputmyheartinmysoulineverydetailofwhathappenedtomethat I couldn't tellthemthatthatwouldbe a youknow, I couldn't scream, though.
Well, what's happening?
Soitwas a goodwayformetobeheardandsobad.
Master, I didn't wanttopublishit, butButshereaditandshesays, Youshouldpublish.
MyChildrensaidYoushouldpublishAndso I did.
Thenthat's mybookhere.
Wow, thatthatis a reallyachievement, inmyview, as a creativepersonforsomebodylikeyoutoputoutyourstory.
Ittakescourage, andit's hardtodo.
Appreciate.
That's calledForbiddentoLove.
Andit's pureheartscrushedunderthelovecelibacy.
HowareyourChildren?
Thechurchdidn't onlyhurtmebethathurtmyChildren.
Buthe's asmuchas I triednottocryinfrontofthemasmuchasweweresoclose, thatbeingyou, youknowthat I wassufferingandwhenhewoulddolike, terriblepainstome, likekickingmeoutofthechurchor, youknow, communicatingmeinpublicduring a dinner, I wouldgohomecryingandtheChildrenwerethere.