Social Anxiety at the YouTube Christmas Party // Vlogmas 2019 Day 15

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(jazzy Christmas music)
♪ It's December again ♪
♪ I can't believe it ♪
♪ Whatever happened to ♪
♪ the rest of the year ♪
♪ It went by so fast ♪
♪ I barely could see it ♪
♪ Now I'm calling all angels high ♪
♪ If you are there ♪
♪ Help me find the ♪
♪ Christmas spirit again ♪
♪ The Christmas spirit again ♪
♪ That warm place in my heart ♪
♪ That was there from the start ♪
♪ I want that Christmas spirit again ♪
(jazzy Christmas music)
- And good morning!
We are in my cousin's house in London,
where we stayed last night.
Feeling a bit pooped today, a little bit partied out.
Had a very good time,
but feeling the effects.
So we're gonna go off to see Claudia's friends,
dental friends.
- Yeah, my dental university friends.
- They're all grownups.
- Yeah, they've all got kids.
Well, not all of them, but majority of them.
Yeah, it's up in Buckinghamshire because we've all, like,
dispersed across the United Kingdom now.
- They studied in London. - But yeah, it'll be nice.
We're gonna have like a Christmas dinner.
- We will have to bring canapes, and a dish, and we.
- Are going to Waitrose.
(laughter)
- We're gonna turn up and everyone's like,
"here's this beautiful thing
that I spent eight hours handcrafting"
and we're like, Waitrose?
- They're gonna do that thing where they show us up, like,
"yeah, you know I've juggled like, having, like,
a toddler, and a newborn, and I've still
made, like, - And a job
- "Two homemade dishes, and we also went out
to a Christmas party last night as well"
and we'll be like, um, well,
What's our excuse?
She's disabled, that's my.
- I keep telling you, it's okay to use that
as an excuse more, because it is true,
having a disabled partner is like saying,
oh I'm sorry, I have a child.
I have a dependent, I have someone I have to look after.
- You're like a really big cumbersome child.
(laughs)
- Wow.
A really big, okay.
- Well, you were just saying use me as an excuse
and then when I do, you're like (gasps)
Yeah, last night's party was all right, wasn't it?
- Yeah, it was really nice!
Was it the third YouTube Christmas party we've been to?
- I think so, yeah.
And every year they decorate it differently.
Like this year was kind of like, enchanted--
- I liked this year so much better.
- Magical woodlands kind of theme, I guess?
It was nice, wasn't it? - This one was beautiful,
especially since I'm quite strict
on my Christmas color schemes,
and I'm very much against silver and blue, because
no. - Was it silver and blue?
- No no no, last year
- Right, yeah. - Was silver and blue.
That's why you didn't see any photos from last year.
- They've got these little corridor bits in the space
that every year they decorate differently, so like,
I think last year it was balloons, wasn't it?
- No, you're thinking Pride.
- Okay.
- So Pride, they had multicolored balloons,
and you walked through them and it's like,
amazing! - I think
one year for Christmas, it was like
loads of cotton wool kind of stuff.
And, like, glittery things.
- Yes it was.
- But anyway, this year it was like
in the nicest way possible, strips of fabric toilet roll.
- You know what it made me think of?
- Toilet roll. - Made me think of those films
when you're in some kind of asylum.
- Oh gosh.
- And for some reason there are torn curtains
that you have to walk through--
- Yeah, I mean, it was a little bit scary
because you couldn't, because they were hanging like
only like this far apart in different lengths
so your eye, like,
- Once you got past one there's already this
one in front of your face. - Your vision stops
at the next thing, obviously.
Though, you'd literally like be walking through,
and someone else would be walking through, like "Oh, hello!"
- You just do not realize until they're
"Hello!" in your face.
- We had to sneak a little kiss,
it was quite romantic.
- Aww!
- It was like a little cute meet.
- It was!
Wait, do you mean 'meet cute?'
- Yep.
- Okay.
(laughter)
- My favorite was the reindeer.
- Yeah, the big reindeer.
- Which was like a side prop
that no one paid any attention to.
I loved it. - I mean, it was weird.
I mean, it was next to the cloak room.
- [Jessica] It was.
- [Claudia] I had no idea it was there until
like, about ten minutes later.
- [Jessica] I was like, "What, how did I miss that?"
- [Claudia] Just missed a massive, white reindeer.
I think it will have started that
when I go to events, cause there's lots of different people,
people are saying hello, and there's lots of stuff,
I'm being like overstimulated.
Take me a while to kind of, like, settle in.
- Yeah.
- We work out, but like, I actually need to have
at least a couple of alcoholic beverages to actually
like, take in my surroundings.
- The extrovert and the introvert
approach Christmas parties very differently,
I think it's fair to say.
I think when I'm nervous about something, or anxious,
I get louder and more chatty,
and more willing to go up to someone,
not more willing, but I just talk to everyone
and get really bold, ask people questions, haha,
cause I'm feeling a bit tense.
And your idea of getting a bit tense is like,
I'm just gonna sit here.
- I could've, I just assume that people haven't seen me,
it's really weird, or I pretend that they haven't,
so I do this really awkward thing
where I walk into a room, I clock someone that I recognize,
- She saw Rowan, a girl we know, and she went
- I basically look at them, we catch eye contact,
and then I'll go, "Look, it's Rowan."
I'm like, why the hell do I need to tell her,
but then I realized when I got home that like,
people must think I'm being such, like, you know,
a b-i-t-c-h, because like all they see,
is me walking into a room, staring at them,
and then whispering something to you.
And then you go over all nice
so they're probably a bit like,
"Is that their, like, what is happening here?"
Are you two-faced?
Am I just obviously, like, true to form?
Actually all I've said is like,
oh look there's someone that we know,
we should go talk to them!
- Go, Jessie, go!
Basically you're sending me
- To go make friends.
- Because you're too awkward to go over and say,
"Hi, good to see you!" You're like, "Go for me go for me"
- I just sat at a separate table eating a burger on my own
whilst Jessica, like, edged in on a group of people,
and I'm just like, "Yeah, it's fine, this is cool,
I just wanted to eat a burger on my own.
No biggie."
Anyway, what else was at the party?
They had a swing, that was fun.
- They did have a swing, they did.
- I mean it didn't really swing,
it was more just for a fairy tale prop,
which again was very awkward for me 'cause I was like,
"Where do I stand, where do I put my arms?
Where do I look?"
- [Jessica] This is just the tale of Claudia's awkwardness,
to be honest.
- [Claudia] People are just like,
"Just look natural, be yourself!"
I'm like, no.
Don't tell me that.
- No, but you are being natural and yourself!
- Yeah, that's true.
- I don't think that we have to,
that 'being yourself' has to mean the exact same thing
for everyone, that it has to mean that
'oh, you're so comfortable and cool and relaxed.'
- Actually that's true, people go "just be yourself",
but if you're just like
a naturally introverted, anxious person
and your natural body position at a party like that
would be like this, then that is being yourself.
- I know, whenever I get my photo taken professionally,
they always say, "Oh, you don't have to smile.
Just be yourself."
I'm like,
this is!
This is my face! - I know you can't not smile.
- This is what I do.
How am I meant to not do this?
- When you don't, when they tell you not to smile, you go:
It's like, weird.
- Yeah, my attempts to....
- When we try and do, like, serious pictures of like,
'we love each other so much',
I just look like I need the toilet or something,
and you just look like really confused.
And then you just break into a smile.
- Different people like different types of events.
- Yes. - Would you say this was
the type of event you like, Claudia?
- I like that there's like,
lots of decorations, things to look at.
So there were like --
- That's so true, YouTube parties always have stuff to do.
- There was like different food stores that you could go to
and you could talk to the people who's,
I'm quite happy chatting to people who were like,
running an event, because you could just talk about, like,
"oh, the food," or the drink options,
or like, how good the decora--
- This is beautiful!
- And also they're probably being paid
to have to actually talk to me, talk to the guests.
So I know that they'll,
I know I'm guaranteed to have a conversation with them.
- The funniest thing about YouTube, though,
and I was giving this talk the other day that you saw,
there was a lady that said,
"I just don't feel like I could ever do YouTube,
or be on YouTube, because everyone seems so extroverted,
and out there, and confident,
and like they can cope with the world,
and I just don't feel like that."
And my reply to her was that
of all the YouTubers I have met,
and I've met some really big YouTubers,
very well-known people who are huge in their fields,
I'd say, 70% of YouTubers are incredible introverts.
Extreme, awkward human beings.
- Yeah, that's why people like, think,
"Oh they'll make great press release on their books,
they can come and talk about it,"
or "they'll make really good public speakers, you know,
they could talk about that thing they talk about
on their channel, they're such an expert on it."
And then people are quite like "Oh, they're not,
they even declined the invitation."
That's why you're, like,
- People are always shocked that I can talk.
- You're like a really natural, good public speaker.
- I just love talking.
- It's true.
- So there's the 70% of YouTubers,
who are introverts, and love it
because they get to sit at home and talk to a camera,
edit by themselves,
only converse with people over the Internet.
And then there are the 30% of us who are loud,
and would be doing loud media things anyway.
I think there, the important thing is not to concentrate
on whether there is innate value in one more than the other.
I think it's just being confident in whatever you are.
It's the same with dating.
Rather than trying to be someone else,
if you're just very sure in who you are
and don't change that,
- When we got home last night, - it's the most attractive.
- When we got home last night
we were like cleaning our faces,
and I did say like, "Yeah, I mean like, I sat on a table"
She was like, 'cause I said when we were in the taxi, like,
"You do realize to sit on a table on my own
whilst I ate a burger whilst you were chatting to people,"
and she was like, "Did I?
I'm so sorry, I didn't realize."
And normally, in the past, I would have been upset about it,
because I would have felt insecure
that no one had even noticed, not even my own wife,
that I had been feeling awkward and had to sit on my own,
you know, kind of thing.
But last night, to be honest, I didn't really mind.
I was like, you know what?
I know I'm a bit frickin' awkward.
It's my own problem.
- I don't really like talking to people about food.
- I just really wanna eat my burger right now, so,
if I just crack on with that and eat it confidently,
then that's fine.
'Cause that's what I want to do.
And like,
I just suddenly thought, people really don't care,
and no one cares that I've sat here, eating a burger.
Like literally I'm not on anyone's radar.
So it's just getting into that, like, okay.
- It's a really nice thing about being older, I think,
is that you realize that
genuinely no one really cares that much about you.
And it's quite nice.
When you're a teenager, or,
certainly when I was a teenager or in my early 20s
I thought people were looking at me,
and judging what I was doing,
and that my actions were being scrutinized
by a wider audience and I therefore
had to act a certain way,
where as nowadays, I know that
they're all just thinking about themselves.
Everyone's thinking exactly the same thing.
"I think that people are looking at me and noticing me."
- For some people, it's easier to say that, though.
You know, certain days I'll be like,
"Everyone's looking at me."
'Cause you just can't get over that feeling sometimes
and other days I'm like, "Oh, I feel fine."
Just, depends on your personality.
Like, you hardly have,
You very occasionally have that time
where you think people are judging you.
But very occasionally, whereas I have it--
- Also to be fair, they genuinely do look at me
when I walk into a room
because I'm wearing a very fancy dress.
- I mean yeah, you go into this a lot
in your other videos, like,
you kind of make yourself quite obvious for lots of reasons,
because you don't want people to be, like,
talking about you in a negative way.
So you're like, "Well, you know what,
I'm gonna look fabulous and own it,
and then they can only talk about me in a positive way!"
- Yeah, exactly.
I'm gonna give you the first thing
that you're gonna talk about is, "Wow, that hair!
Oh my god, your dress!"
Rather than, "That girl's a bit shaky!"
"Did that girl just fall over?"
- "That girl's wearing hearing aids,
and she's got like, why is she in a wheel chair?"
- Yeah.
- When you're dress in your vintage clothes
and you're still in your wheel chair, yeah,
they notice that you're in a chair,
but they actually say to you--
- It gives them some room to comment.
- And they're like, "Oh, you look amazing!"
And they suddenly feel like, yeah,
whereas if you were,
- The amount that you get ignored when you're in a chair.
Like, I could drive into people, and they just
in their mind they're like,
"Oh my god, don't look, don't look, don't look,
wheel chair, wheel chair, don't look, don't look,
don't look don't look don't look!"
And I smack into them, like--
- Yeah, we noticed that when we were in London
on your power chair that, like,
everyone's eye levels are here, and no one looks down here.
- But they studiously don't look down.
- But then I said to Jessica,
"But I always look down at, like,"
but then I realized, well, that's probably because
one, I have a disabled wife who uses a chair,
so I know to do that,
and two, I'm, like, also aware of children and buggies
because I'm feeling maternal.
- Obsessed. - I'm obsessed.
And also we have dogs, so,
like I'm just more aware of things down here.
- Is there a dog?
Where's the dog?
Is a dog in the vicinity? - Smaller people,
less abled people, people who need help.
Whereas, like, I guess a lot of, like, business men
and not just men, but some women, especially in London
they're just like, they're just looking at other people
at their own eye level, which is weird, isn't it?
That there's a whole mentality of it.
- It is, I think there's also that thing we do
"Don't, don't make eye contact.
Walk along, walk along."
- Right, well, we will probably go
because we're gonna have brunch with the cousin.
- Oh yes.
- And then we've gotta go to Waitrose.
- For those things we definitely made ourselves.
- Yeah, what should we do? Should we buy some, like,
should we borrow some homemade dishes,
and then empty all the stuff into the dishes?
- We're never gonna be able to cover this up.
It's happened, it's happened.
- It's fine, whatever.
Christmas is an expensive time.
(laughter)
And a gluttonous time.
Anyway, we'll make another video about that.
- Another time.
- Another time.
Maybe when I'm like, "I'm so full!"
The other day, oh wait no, we should stop talking.
- No, go on!
- I was just going to go into that story
about how I ate a whole pizza as a snack
when I got home from work 'cause I was really hungry.
It was gluten-free pizza,
but I was really upset because it burnt,
cause Jessica asked me to take some photos
whilst it was in.
It was only meant to be in the oven for seven minutes.
Anyway it was in for 20 minutes. I was like, "It's burnt!"
And rather than being that nice floppy, like,
it was like, you could hit someone with it.
- Oh, but it's my fault you got really into taking photos.
I was like, "Take one photo."
- Yeah, that is true, I did get quite into it
once I start.
Anyway,
let's go.
- Okay.
Let's go
for a journey.
And we'll see you tomorrow!
For another exciting video, woo!
Oh, which will be a colab with Jazzy.
I'm very excited.
(kissing)
Bye!
(jazzy Christmas music)