Andyouthink, Whythehellwouldyouspendyourtimeticklingratswith a pencilandmakingthemlaugh?
Seewhathedemonstratedtherewasthatthattherewas a placecircuitinmammals, thatthere's anactualThere's a cyclebiologicalbasisforroughandtumbleplay, forexample, It's a bloodybigdeal, youknow, discovering a wholenewcircuitinthebrainthat's likediscovering a continent.
That's a neurochemicalthathumanbeingsdon't produce.
Andifyou're a toplostoryouhavehighserotoninlevelsandlowertopofmeanlevels, youcanmove a lobsterinitsdominancehierarchybymoderatingitslevelsofserotonin.
And I thoughtthat's sointerestingbecausewhatitmeansisthatthecounterthatkeepstrackofourstatuswehave a counterinthesenseinourmindsthatkeepstrackofourstatusis 1/3 of a 1,000,000,000 yearsold.
Andwhatthatalsomeansisthattheideaofthehierarchylet's callit a dominantStarkey, becausewithinlobstersit's It's kindoflike a physicalprowess, hierarchy, somethinglikethat.
And I think, well, somuchfortheideathathumanhierarchiesareassociateculturalconstruct.
It's like, No, that's wrong.
It's notjust a littlebitwrong.
It's unbelievablywrong.
It's mindbogglinglywrong, right, andit's rightandsosohierarchies, hierarchiesofbeingaroundfor 1/3 of a 1,000,000,000 years, andandwehave a neurochemicalsystemthatmodulatesareourunderstandingofthosehierarchies.
It's really, reallyfundamental, andsoandalmostallsocialanimalsorganizethemselvesandsocialinhierarchiesbecausenowtheotherthingthatChapteroneisis a bitof a meditationonwhatmightconstitute a hierarchy.
Oneofmybusinesscolleagues, a formerstudentofminefromHarvard, very, verysmartguy.
It's gotoutgraduatedegreeinengineeringfrom M.
I.
T.
And a PhDinpsychologyfromHarvard.
Sothere's likeoneofhiminthewholeworld.
He's a verysmartguy, andhehelpedmedesigntheselfauthoringsweet, bytheway.
Andhe's beenworkingforabout 20 yearsonthat, Um, that's a suiteofprogramsthathelpspeoplewriteabouttheirlivesandstraightenhimout.
Hetoldmetostopusingtheworddominancehierarchy, andhesaidthereasonforthatwasthatitwasinfestedwithMarxistpresuppositionsandreallybotheredmewhenhefirstsaidthatbecause I'vebeenusingthewordforyears, dominance, hierarchy, hesaid, Wehad a discussionaboutthat.
Hesaid, Whileit's predicatedontheideathatyouclimbupthehierarchyhumanhierarchyas a consequenceoftheexpressionofpower, it's likethat's wrong.
Youclimbupvalidhierarchiesas a consequenceoftheexpressionofcompetence, andthat's actuallytechnicallyright.
So, hesaid, tousethewordcompetencehierarchy, orwedecidedthat I thinkthat's muchbetter.
SoChapteroneas a bitof a meditationonthenatureofhierarchiesinthebiochemistryofhierarchy.
Butit's alsoaninjunctionabouthowtopresentyourself, becauseyoudon't youwanttopresentyourselftotheworldin a mannerthatthatdoesn't disgraceyouinsomesensethatthatmightbe a goodwaytothinkaboutit.
And I don't wanttodisgraceyourself, becausetheconsequenceofdisgracesisemotionaldisregulation, morepain, lesspositiveemotion.
They're a verycompetitivebunch, veryfractiousandwitty, andthey'realwaystryingtogetoneoveroneachother, 100 makingsomewittyputdownorsomethinglikethat, anditgottothepointintherestaurantswheretheyputtheirclawsintheairinclicklikethiswhentheygotoneoverononeoftheircolleagues, whichwasverypeculiarandstrangeandveryfunnyaswell.
SoSothat's rulenumberone, andRulenumbertwoisTreatyourselflikeyou'resomeonethatyoucareabout, andthat's a deeperchapter.
I wouldsay, likeChapteroneiskindofcomical, butit's alsogotthisseriousscientificend, forexample, andit's practical, likemostoftherulesare.
Chaptertwois a bitof a meditationonwhy.
See, I readthis.
I readthisthispieceofworkbyYoung a longwhileback, anditwas a meditationon, um, theinjunctiontotreatyourneighborasasyouwouldliketobetreatedsomethinglikethat.
AndwhatYoungpointedout, which I reallyliked, wasthatthatwasn't aninjunctiontobenicetootherpeople.
It's It's moreimportantthanthatIt's likeImagineyouhad a childthatyoureallycaredforandsomeonesaid, No, peoplewilltreatthischildexactlylikeyouwantthemto, butyouhavetofigureoutwhatthatis.
Sooneofthethings I pointedout, ChaptertwowastheIfyouhave a dogandyoutakehimto a vetandthevetgivesyouyourprescriptionmedicine, you'llgobuythemedicineandyouwillgiveittothedog, andyouwilldoitproperly.
Butifyougoyourselfto a doctorandyougetprescription, there's one.
There's a 30% chanceyouwon't evenpickupthemedication.
Andifyoudo, there's a 50% chancethatyouwon't administertoyourselfproperly.
Andso I reallythoughtaboutwhen I firstcameacrossthatstatistic.
There's someskepticismaboutdoctors, butyoucouldbejust a skepticalaboutthevet.
Soit's a deepmeditation.
I wouldsayit's what I'vedonewiththeserulesisthey'reverysimplerules, andthey'rekindofcomicalandtongueincheekinsomeways.
Butwhat I'vetriedtodois, like, pullthemapartandshowwhat's underneaththementogodownasdeepas I possiblycanandinruletoIt's a bitof a meditationonwhypeopledon't likethemselvesverymuch, and I thinkthere's tworeasons, really.
Andoneisthatwe'rewerefragileanddamage a bleandinperfectinmultipledimensionsallthetime, andthatoftenjustgetsworse.
Itgetslotsofthingsgetworseasyougetold, forexample, soit's notnecessarilythateasyfor a selfconsciousbeingwhoisextraordinarilyawareofhisorherownfragilityandbutnotjustfragility, foolishnessanderrors.
Youknowyourselfbetterthananyoneelseknowsyouandyouknow, youmighthave a certainamountofdislikeforsomeoneyouknow, becauseofsomethingtheydid.
It's thethingthatWesterncivilizationhasalwaysrecognizedthatasanindividualyouhave a lightthatyouhavetobringintotheworldandthatifyoudon't bringitintotheworld, theworldis a dimmerplace.
Andthat's a badthing, becausewhentheworldis a dimplace, itcangetvery, very, verydark.
Andsoit's necessarynotjustsothatyoufeelbetter, notjustsothatyou're a numberonelobster, notnoneofthosethings.
Andso I wantedto, youknow, hitthequestionashardas I cantotrytofigureoutwhypeoplearehaveourcontemptuousofthemselvesandthere's plentyofreason, that's forsure.
It's a simpleisthatit's not a goodstrategy, andthenextruleismakefriendswithpeoplewhowantthebestforyou.
Andthat's a meditationonmyownchildhoodandadolescence.
Tosomedegree, I hadfriendswhowantedthebestformeandfriendswhodidn't and, youknow, theywerefriendswhosomeofthemwereaimingupin, someofthemoreaimingdown.
Andifyouhave a friendthat's aimingdownandyoudosomethingthat's aimingup, thenthey'regenerallynotthathappyaboutit.
Youknow, theytrytotalkyouraccomplishmentwithoneoftheirownhypotheticalriel, orputdownwhatyou'redoingorofferyou a cigaretteifyou'retryingtoquitandyou'vekindofdonethatsuccessfully, or a drink, ifyou'vebeendrinkingtoomuchandareit's tryingtostopbeinganalcoholic, youknow, orortheothercynicalandbitterandanddevotedtowardsnogood.
Andsoit's a trickyargumenttomake, because I'm notsaying, youknow, wheneveranyone's introuble, youshould, youknow, pushedthemintoaddictionandgivethem a coupleofkicks.
That's that's nottheidea.
Theideaisthatwhat I had a coupleofrules I didn't writeaboutonewasBecareful, uh, becarefulaboutwhomyousharegoodnewswithandanotherwas, Becarefulaboutwhomyousharebadnewswithandeveryonethoserulesringinpeople's mindsquitequickly.
SothereisinequalityWhatthatmeansisthere's alwaysgonnabepeoplearoundthatarebetteratsomethingthanyouareandtheandthat's a that's a problembecauseyoucangetjealousandyoucangetbetterandyoucangetresentfulandworse.
Youcouldgethopeless, youknow, becauseyoulooklikelook, I havethishisfriendofmine, HetoldmesomethingsofunnyhewasHewasdecryinghishislackofsuccessintheworld.
It's it's impracticalknowledgeabouthowtogoaboutachieving a nameset a highaimbutdifferentiateddownsoyouknowwhatthenextstepisandthenmakethenextstepdifficultenough.
Soyouhavetopushyourselfpastwhereyouare, butbutalsoprovideyourselfwith a reasonableprobabilityofsuccess.
If I didthislittlething, thingswouldbejustincrementsbetterandwell, that's a greatthingbecauseyougettheballrollingandincrementalimprovementisunstoppable.
Okay, well, I needtoadopt a motivebeingthatwouldjustifymysuffering.
Andyoucanaskyourselfthatquestion.
Whatwouldmakethisworthwhileneed a quote?
Nietzsche.
I thinkinthatchapter, hesaid.
Hewhohas a why, conveyor, Almost.
Anyhow, that's a lovelyliedman.
I mean, it's a lovelyline, andit's reallyworththinkingabout.
SoyouthinkWell, howdo I manageallthismiseryandsufferingandfutility?
It's like, Well, I needtofigureoutwhat I wouldhavetodoinordertomakethatclearlyworthwhile.
Andsothenyouhaveyourgoal, andthenyouthink, Well, I needtomovetowardsthatincrementallybecause I'm kindofuselessandcanonlydosomuchandmaybenoteventhat.
Butall I havetodoisbe a littlebitbetterthanmymymiserableselfyesterday, andthatwillpropelyouforwardveryrapidlyandandyoucansucceedatit.
Whichisalsoreallylovely, becausewhynotsetyourselfupforsuccess, youknow, becauseotherwiseyoudrooparoundlike a number 10 lobsterandyouknow, that's justnotgood.
Yougetwholepinch E.
Whenthathappens, it's not a goodthing.
SothatwasThatwasChapterfour, Chapterfive.
Cheesewerecruisingalonghere.
Chapterfiveistheonethat I thought I wouldgetinthemosttroubleforwriting.
Youknow, I figuredpeoplewouldbeallovermeforthis, andsofartheyhaven't seen, buttheystillmightbe.
Sowhenit's called, donotletyourChildrendoanythingthatmakesyoudislikethem, and I thoughtthatwouldbecontentious.
Firstofall, becausepeoplewouldthink, Well, I neverjustlikemyChildren.
There's a morehorrifyingelementtothat, too, becauseas a clinicalpsychologist, I'veseenthefullFreudiannightmare.
I cantellyouthat.
Andyouknow, the I'veseenfamilieswhereit's likethisislikethefamilymembersarestandingin a circle, Let's say, andeachofthemhastheirhandsaroundeachother's neck, andthey'resqueezinghardenoughtostrangletheotherpersonin 20 years.
Andthat's thefamily.
It's like, Youknow, ifyouifyouhaven't met a familylikethatorwell, thenyou'renotpayingattention, andthere's somereasonablepossibilitythatyou'reactuallyinthefamilylikethat.
SotheideathatparentscountdisliketheirChildren.
It's likeGod, hownaivecanyouget?
It's justthat's justifyouthinkthatman, you, I don't evenknowwhereyou'd starttostraightenyourselfout.
I couldneverdislikemyChildren's like, yeah, Well, thosearethepeoplewhoproducethemostmonsters.
Childrentoo, I cantellyouthat.
SoSoAndthenthere's thisideathatyounghadwhich I reallylove, whichistheideaoftheshadowandyouknowit.
And I'veseenparentspunishtheirChildren, andyoucanalsotake a pagefromnatureifyoureallywanttopunishyourChildrenoranyoneelse.
Ifyouhavesomeoneyou'reinterestedinpunishing, includingyourself, youdon't youknowwhateverpunishsomeoneyoureallywanttopunishfordoingsomethingwrong, becausethat's actually a bitof a relieftothem.
Soanyways, backtoChildrensoalreadyknewthat I wasprettydecentmonsterbythetime I hadkidsand I thought, Well, mykid, mykid's little, youknow, like a baby, yourtwoyearoldslike I'm horriblemonsterandsothatthere's a nunEvilpowerproblemhere.
ButButyouneedtoknowwhatsortofmonsteryouareifyou'regonnabe a goodparent.
AndifyouthinkOh, I'm not a monsterislikeOh, yes, youare.
You'rejustanunbelievablyunconsciousmonster.
Andthat's actuallytheworstkind.
Soandthentheotherthingaboutthatchapteristhere's anideainit, andit's anideathat I thinkswellsupportedbytherelevantliterature, whichisthatyourfundamentaljobas a parent, especiallyif a childfrom 0 to 4 istomakethatchildeminentlydesirablesocially.