Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it's Chris Joel.

I've... still not put it together in the right order, I'll try for the second show.

Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan.

Get out o'my office!

And standing in for Matt Gray, the Mouth from the South, Will Seaward.

I have, indeed, eaten Matt.

In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it.

Every fact they get right is a point and a ding

and there's a prize for a particularly good answers, which is...

And today we are talking about the Stephens Island wren.

A person in the lady navy…?

This is really terrible! The lady navy(!)

The Lady Navy?

Just for those who don't have their British naval history there... 'the lady navy'?

That was like a car at the start of a Formula 1 race,

just stalling on the start line.

I can't remember the acronym. I get the…

Is it just Women's Royal Navy, is that it? There's no E.

The Women's Royal Naval Service, the WRNS.

The WRNS, there we go.

Well, that's the 1940s isn't it?

Because there's no such thing now.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

It was 1993, apparently, when it all got unified.

This has nothing to do with the Stephens Island wren,

but as a cheap joke that started the show, well done.

Yes, well done.

Is it a bird?

S***, I should have gone for plane first, shouldn't I?

Is it from Stephens Island?

How the frig is he getting points as easy as that this time?!

He's new! Let him off.

Is there a Wikipedia article about it?

That is the point of the show.

Genus troglodytes.

Genus troglodytes? No.

What?

Not this time.

I am offended.

I'm having to look this up.

The common wren is troglodytes troglodytes. So I thought if it was a wren,

it would probably be troglodytes something-elsesius.

Alright, what we have here is Chris Joel, ornithologist.

When I say, "Ornith", you say, "Ologist." Ornith!

Ologist!

Ornith!

Ologist!

No.

That's the first time that's ever been used right though,

because usually I haven't a f***ing clue.

Well, in this case, unfortunately, you are wrong.

The Eurasian wren is troglodytes troglodytes,

this is the Stephens Island wren, traversia lyalli.

Does it go through French alleyways?

Le Alley?

Le-alley.

Will, you have slotted into Matt's seat just perfectly.

Well, when I ate him I stole his powers!

That's how it works.

You actually had a buzz cut didn't you, before you went in?

The man was clean shaven and five foot one.

The Stephens Island wren, gentlemen, a long time ago…

So far we've established it's a bird on Stephens Island that's a wren, basically, haven't we?

Yes. Well, its last refuge was Stephens Island.

Was it on the run for a horrific crime it had committed?

Was this its last stand?

No, it had three other friends though and they drove around in a black and red van

and if you needed their help, you know, they'd save sparrows and s***.

Who would Mr T be?

What sort of bird?

Well, they wouldn't fly would they? So it'd be like an ostrich or a penguin or something.

That was good. I like that.

Gary, unbelievably, you have a point.

No way, no.

F*** off. How?

Because the Stephens Island wren is flightless and I'm giving you a point for that!

Has it learned not to fly since being on Stephens Island, it being an island,

or did it get there on a raft?

I like the idea of learning not to fly.

"Oh, s***, I've flown again! I wish I could forget this bollocks!"

Well, maybe it didn't like it! Maybe it didn't like heights.

Yes, that's not forgetting is it? That's proactively…

Is there a difference though? Between actively forgetting and unlearning?

"Welcome to epistemology today..."

"Today, bird dat don't fly. He forget or did he learn it?"

It's also known as Lyall's wren. Why would its last refuge be Stephens Island?

Is it... extinct?

Spot on.

Okay. Was it delicious?

Damn it! That much faster.

Yes, but not that… I mean this is a wren…

Yes, but no.

It was, apparently, delicious.

There have only ever been five species of flightless songbirds found.

What's happened to them?

They've all been eaten.

For the Stephens Island wren in particular by what?

Was it eaten by pests that were introduced by humans?

Yes, absolutely right. Any particular pests?

Rats.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bill Oddie!

"Bring me another plate of wrens! Conserve them that I may consume them…"

Because that's what Bill Oddie sounds like behind the scenes...

We're in trouble when the audience have better gags than we have.

As Bill Oddie sits in the ruined wasteland of the island

seeing the last little wren entering his lips,

he goes, "I really should have saved these."

Yes!

"You didn't see nothin'!"

Not rats.

Cats!

Yes, cats is technically correct. Could we be a bit more specific?

Panthers?...

Will, I've just got this thing of being in like a hotel room,

in a lonely kind of guest house and suddenly from inside the cupboard,

hearing you saying that.

And it would be the most terrifying thing I could imagine.

"Panthers?"

A single cat from one ship's crew.

Absolutely right. A lighthouse keeper's cat named Tibbles.

Yes, allegedly, a lighthouse keeper's cat named Tibbles

and for a while that was the accepted wisdom, what is more likely?

More than one cat...!

"Panthers?"

Chris is closest, Chris gets a point, yes.

Yes, a large number of feral cats had come to overrun the island.

How many living wrens were actually spotted, ever?

None. They're not spotted at all,

they've got sort of vertical striations or stripes.

Go on, just hit me.

It's not that, it's you're kind of right.

Yes!

Olive brown plumage with edges of brown.

So I'll actually give you the stripes there.

How often were they seen by humans?

Seconds after the entered the cat's mouth, probably, or when the cat brought…

Yes, there was loads left in a pile on the door mat.

The cat's saying, "I'm friends with you", by leaving dead bodies outside.

And when I do it, it's wrong.

Never. They were so small, they were essentially invisible.

I mean, I like it, but...

What you've got there, mate, are bees.

Bees, birds, and the next part of the talk is where it gets distressing.

Only twice. The lighthouse keeper called it almost nocturnal,

'Running around the rocks like a mouse.'

Yeah, well, you would if you were being chased by a frigging cat!

Yes, that was the problem.

Then the cats ate the lighthouse keepers,

then the cats took over the lighthouse and turned off the light,

many ships were wrecked.

And eaten!

Those crews, also, were devoured.

I mean you've got a good ghost story there.

It's complete bollocks, but you've got a great ghost story there.

It was once widespread throughout the area.

What area is Stephens Island in? Where are we going to…?

The sea!

I mean, technically, I'ma give you a point for that.

Which part of the world…? This is 1870s…

New England.

No.

Nova Scotia?

I mean, you...

Can you make anything not sound kinky?

You've said, "New." You've said, "Nova." New is correct.

Zealand.

Yes, there we go, have a point.

Prehistorically, it was all through New Zealand,

then the land was settled. Its bones can be found where?

Cat poo.

Yes, that's true, half of that's right...

I love the way you lead me on like a primary school teacher with the thick student,

"You're right. Are there any other answers in the class?"

Deposits left by laughing owls.

Wonderful!

Was that an impression or a reaction?

It's the thought of this darkly humoured owl in a tree,

watching all these wrens getting eaten and going, "Ha-ha, losers!"

What happened to the laughing owl?

Did they get eaten next?

Yes, they did.

Not laughing now, are we?

I was actually going to move on to other extinct birds of New Zealand.

Well, there's the Moa,

there's that really fecking big eagle that's the biggest one that ever lived,

starts with a H.

Augh, can't remember.

"New Zealand fecking big eagle".

Big feck-off... come on, come on.

Haast's eagle.

Yes!

The wonders of technology.

That's a terrifying thought that technology might be optimised to how I think.

The rest of you are screwed.

Talking about introducing pests.

Hello.

There have been many, many attempts to deal with pests,

particularly Australia and New Zealand.

They're not pests, they're legitimate countries.

We had words about this before.

Yes, what can you tell me about the rabbit-proof fence?

It wasn't rabbit-proof!

Because they went under it.

Yes. It turns out that building a fence was not a great way to stop rabbits.

Did they get in... in the hats of magicians?

Tries to pull out flags of all nations. Just loads of rabbits tied together.

With the flags of all nations to be fair.

It's actually the rabbits of all nations.

Heavily tattooed.

Yes. What can you tell me about the Cobra Effect?

And the phrasing here is,

'It illustrates the causes of incorrect stimulation in the economy.'

Eh, kids?

Is it to do with sales of Viagra?

They introduce cobras, but they're all dead-straight now.

Flinging them like javelins. Come on!

How you do it is your own business.

Where might this have been?

India?

Yes, despite the phrasing, you are absolutely right.

This was British Colonial India and they were concerned about venomous snakes, cobras.

What did they try to do to solve the snake problem?

Did they bribe them?

Yes, set up an elaborate passport service

that meant they couldn't move from place to place.

You know, that thing where, "Oh, he's got it. He's got it. He's got it. No."

To be fair, "he's got it" was "did they".

And then "he's not" was... bribe?!

Did they bribe the snake charmers?

People to catch them.

And then they wouldn't get rid of them all,

because if they got rid of them all, they wouldn't have an income

so they bred snakes to make sure they still had a…

Amazing!

I know that because that was a common thing, 16th-17th century.

You have accounts of what they do in parishes

and they have similar problems with beavers.

You would bring the tails to show that you caught the pests that you had.

You also had beadles that would get rid of dogs,

things like that out of churches.

But there were rumours that they would be, potentially, breeding animals

to make sure that they were still getting paid for this little bit of income.

So it was a similar thing.

Yes. They offered a bounty for every dead cobra, which worked.

Then people started breeding cobras, so they scrapped the bounty programme.