Carry on, Tom(!)

Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it's Chris Joel.

Now available in pill form.

Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan – Gary Brannan.

"Burn the cities.

"Salt the earth so that no-nothing may ever-y there grow ag..."

Can I do that again, because I really screwed that up?

No! And the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray.

Hello, live studio audience!

In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia, and these folks can't see it.

Every fact they get right is a point and a ding…

And there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is…

And today we are talking about the $100 hamburger.

Whoa!

Tastes crap, no beef in it.

Just two bread buns.

Dollars.

“This seems like a waste!”

The worst thing was: all ones.

Well at least there's fibre content there!

I was thinking a single $100, which would just look lousy.

And now, Gary Brannan's burger opinions.

Yes.

Too many things on top: s***.

McDonald's!

Oh, depending on what you get, alright-

Wimpy.

Oh, by far the superior because they give their prices in pence.

And it comes on a plate, like a civilised person.

Wimpy comes on a plate?

Wimpy's, if you go into a Wimpy, and there's not many left, I'll mark you,

they come on a plate, with like a knife and fork.

Phrasing!

They do, they do.

Is this one of things that's been invented by a chef as ostensibly a publicity stunt

that needs something like wagyu beef, or something like that?

Those do exist, I'm fairly sure there's a $1,000,000 burger

with gold leaf or something out there,

but this is not that.

It is not actually even a hamburger.

Is it the genetically grown in a petri-dish kind of one that they did?

Oh no, right now that's a lot more expensive than this is.

Oh yes, it is, isn't it.

It's at least, like, $200 or something like that.

If it was only £100 to grow your own burger without a cow…

I was going to say, it would still be cheaper to slaughter a cow.

Is it a person from Hamburg?

Oh!

Or anyone with the right to vote in a township?

- What? - It is a phrase...

A burger is someone who has a burgage and therefore holds a burgage plot

and has the right to vote in a town.

- Really? - Thank you very much.

- There you go. - I am learning!

- Archivist fact. - Fact.

A $100 hamburger is certainly about food, but this is slang

for something you might do in general aviation.

Is this... is this Elvis?

Oh.

You have jumped ahead in my script, but you know what,

yes, I am going to give you the point.

Yes, this is the fool's gold loaf that he-

Yes.

So what's a $100 hamburger then?

Before we get into the fool's gold-

Is it where someone rocks up and goes,

“I'm going to get a burger, and I'm going to go in a plane to get the burger,”

and then eat the burger in the sky, and go, “Ha, ha, ha, sky burgers.”

Yes, you know what, I'm going to give you the point there.

It is basically an excuse to use your plane and fly,

to keep your hours up, “I'm going to go get a hamburger from that place.”

Wimpy!

I would love to see you try and land a plane at a Wimpy.

Bowling alleys.

Oh, all slippy.

Also, that would be a 10,000 pence hamburger.

Yes.

In the environs we are talking of, in York,

there is a ring road around the bowling alley.

Now if you were to do that about one in the morning,

I reckon it would be quiet enough to get a Cessna down there.

Yes, but the Wimpy's not open.

S***.

Elvis...

I forget, I think he heard about it at a party,

as Elvis would, you know, in the Jungle Room.

My mum and dad went to Graceland, and I think it can be described as 'disappointing'.

I went there a long, long while ago-

It looks like a '60s council planning officer's self-designed house.

It looks really poor from the outside.

That's a really specific gag, but he's right.

He is absolutely right.

It does.

But Elvis heard about this thing, and...

Is it a loaf of bread that's hollowed out,

and it's full of peanut butter, and jam, and banana, and it's fried?

You have missed- it's not banana, it is something even worse for you than...

- Jelly? - Banana ice-cream?

- Bacon! - Oh, I forgot the bacon.

It is an entire loaf.

We are not talking like a small-

I mean, I will give you a point-

It's not, like, a little one, it is a full loaf, hollowed out,

filled with a couple of pounds of bacon,

and peanut butter, and grape jelly.

So, jam, but like-

Oh jam.

Oh fine.

Oh yes that's fine, yes(!)

Well jelly is all wobbly, it'll sq...

Well it's not a children's treat now, is it(?)

Roughly how many calories does the fool's gold loaf…?

All of them.

Yes.

All right, Price is Right rules, closest without going over.

There's not a number, there's just a letter!

It's got an 'about' in here.

And bearing in mind the bread is baked with margarine and oil

and things like that in it as well.

Ten thousand.

Ten thousand?

I think it's about a daily allowance.

I think it is about 2,500.

Fifteen thousand.

Gary wins, it's 8,000.

Price is Right rules.

Only barely!

I'm still giving you the point.

It is four days' worth of food.

- Jesus wept. - Every evening.

Because doesn't he get everyone together, goes to his private jet,

flies four hours or something, to wherever this place is that makes it.

They have some waiting in an aircraft hangar for him,

and I assume that can't waddle out of the aircraft hangar at this point in time.

They sit on the steps of the plane, scoff it, and then fly home.

Where do you get this?

I'd like to try some of it.

Ah, right.

So it was made by a restaurant called the Colorado Mine Company in Denver, Colorado.

Which is quite a way away from where they were-

Yes, Memphis to Colorado.

Who invents this?

You can't do that by mistake.

It is not like a Bakewell pudding, you know, or anything like that.

That is genuinely someone has seen bread, jam, bacon, peanut butter,

pfft, go for it.

Whatever happens, happens!

That is a common American sandwich though.

Not the size, quantity though.

- Peanut butter and jelly- - Isn't it?

Yes, peanut butter and jelly is a normal thing, but the bacon's in there as well.

You are pretty much right – "taking his private jet from Graceland,

"Presley and his friends purchased 30 of them-"

Whoa.

You can't open a window on that plane.

That's a long four hour flight.

They didn't turn the engines on though, they just sat in the back and waited.

Yes, they never left the airport, they invited the pilots to join them as well.

Ha, I think the pilots would be well advised to lock the doors(!)

There is also something called the 'Elvis Sandwich',

and you got some of the ingredients of this earlier.

This is a...

I have had one.

Or something that claims to be one, in a burger place vaguely near here.

And it was a lot of food.

Does it start with a slice of Elvis?

'Cos the one I've had was banana, peanut butter, bacon and-

That's it, you have got the ingredients.

You are absolutely right.

Peanut butter, bacon and banana.

Oh, so that's not as bad as it could be, then?

Well, no, but erm-

If you are ordering one, don't order the chips.

You don't need them.

Don't order bacon chips either, because you really don't need them(!)

In a sandwich that pretty much killed Elvis?

They've thought: how could we make this more deadly.

Again, I am going to give you a point.

It's "the sandwich that killed Elvis".

Yeah.

Well not specifically one.

The many sandwiches that killed Elvis.

No, no, there was just one.

It was at the back of the theatre that night.

Just waiting.

Elvis was known for a ludicrous calorie intake.

Oh, I thought he was famous for singing?

I was going to say!

I mean, he was famous for many things...

They just found it afterwards. Oh, he can sing(!)

He could hold a tune(!)

I don't think that the massive calorie intake got him that Vegas residency, Tom.

I don't know.

Hoovering up the 'all you can eat' buffet, what's left?

Oh don't, I...

All he can eat, yes!

Last time I went to- it's a shaming story but I'm going to share it with the world,

because this needs to be out there.

Last time I went to an all you can eat buffet, right-

Oh boy.

I had a few beforehand.

I mean, there's a picture of like a big jug of lager appearing on the table.

And it's one of these world buffets.

It's underground, there's no windows, you can go in there and not be judged, and just

eat whatever.

You want a Yorkshire pudding with custard and chicken tikka in it?

Gonna do it, right.

Can happen.

I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

They were on separate plates, that's fine.

They didn't have any custard, they had to use Pepto-Bismol.

But there was one point later on.

They have an ice cream section,

and this was later in the evening, and I wanted some ice cream, right?

And I manhandled the lid open.

Only afterwards I realised it should be opened by a staff member, but you know, whatever.

"Mine.

Ice cream.

Grrr!"

Are you doing the thing where you take a plate,

and then you leave the plate and take the tray?

Well, that's... yeah!

There was a point where I saw this lovely yellow sphere there,

and I was like, that's a lovely looking ball of lemon sorbet.

It's got a little bit of chocolate on it, that's exactly what I fancy right now.

Popped it on my plate, and I was chased by someone

because I had picked up a plastic ball pool ball

that had chocolate on it as decoration.

Stuff that looks like food near an all-you-can-eat buffet is a recipe for disaster.

Well, that was my argument!

Ha, ha, hey!

Thanks Matt, no-one else liked it.

I'm the only one that liked that, aren't I?

There is a reference: increasing fuel prices mean that a Cessna

now costs about $95-130 per Hobbs hour to rent.

What is a Hobbs hour?

It's got an imaginary tiger in it.

Sadly, no E, but it would be good.

Oh, screw that then.

Flying hours?

Or is it the time you are in the air, or something like that?

The time you are off the tarmac, as opposed to fannying around getting on the runway?

Yes. What might you measure that with?

Hobnobs.

A big tape measure...?

For time?

Don't judge me, it is the way it's always worked for me.