with some good news first. The FDA has just approved

a new coronavirus test due to start shipping this week.

And this test will dramatically decrease the wait time

for results, all right, down from a few days

to a mere 45 minutes.

Which is no time at all.

That's just the time you take to wash your hands

if you're doing it right.

Also, as doctors are treating more patients,

they're learning more about the disease

and ways that they can help people self-diagnose earlier.

For example, doctors are now saying

that a loss of smell or taste

can be a symptom of coronavirus. Completely true. Yeah.

So if you thought your husband's chronic farting problem

suddenly got better, you in danger, girl.

Is it just me, though, or does it seem like the disease

has more specific symptoms every day? Right?

'Cause first-- first they were like,

"Okay, it's flu-like symptoms" then they said,

"No, it is cough, but it's a dry cough" and now it's like,

"You lose your sense of smell."

Pretty soon it's gonna be like, "Apparently coronavirus

"makes your right butt cheek really large

"and your left butt cheek gets all lopsided and twitchy.

"Then you got to go to the hospital if that happens.

"You're gonna be falling every time you sit down.

Whoa, corona, whoa."

Oh, here's some really good news.

For all those people who are stressing

about running out of toilet paper,

there's a new online toilet paper calculator

that will help people figure out how long your supply will last

so that you-you can stop hoarding.

Yeah, because right now some people

have bought so much toilet paper

they can probably pass it down in their will.

Just be like, "And to my grandchildren,

"I bequeath my fine collection

"of Charmin Ultra Soft

"that I bought during the corona crisis

"of 2020.

(coughs)"

So that's the good news.

The bad news is that the coronavirus world tour

is still in full swing.

In India, Prime Minister Modi

has ordered a 100 million people under lock down.

That's right. An entire bus in India

is not allowed to move.

And in Germany, Chancellor Angela Merkel

became the first European leader to self-quarantine.

And the country has banned groups of more than two people

from gathering, which is really unfortunate for Germans,

because you realize it takes at least five people

to get in or out of lederhosen.

Like, leather pants are no joke. You can't do that alone.

Now, the big international news today is over in Japan,

where the Summer Olympics

look like they're being postponed until 2021.

Yeah.

They're postponing the Olympic Games.

Meanwhile, Tom and Linda

are going forward with their game night as planned.

Yeah, I thought I'd gotten out of it,

but now they want me to "do it over Skype."

Unbelievable. How do you even play game night over Skype?

W-Which cards do you have? That's the point of the game.

Got to show you my cards so you know what cards have,

and then I'm playing with my cards at home...

Just cancel, Tom and Linda! Just cancel.

But in I was Japan, I would have still held the games

even if all the other countries dropped out,

'cause think about it--

if everybody else is out,

you win gold in every event.

Although they also come last in every event.

Yeah, but still, I mean, you just sing the national anthem

and... for winners and...

Either way, I would have held the event.

The other way to save the Olympics is you can just do it

over Zoom or Skype like everything else right now,

you know?

Just have all the gymnasts doing their thing in different places.

They could all describe it to each other. You know?

Just be like, (American accent): "Okay, hi, everybody, am I on?

"Can you see me? I'm gonna do...

I'm gonna do a f... a back flip right now."

(German accent): "Sorry, what-what did you say?

"I can't hear you. You breaking up, you're breaking up.

Did you-did you just say... did you say 'dog shit'?

(American accent): "No, I said back flip.

I'm gonna do a back flip."

(Russian accent): "Hey, guys, it's Katerina here.

I just got on. Is it my turn to do force flip yet?"

(American accent): "No, I... It's my... I'm doing the thi...

You know what, let-let..."

(normal accent): Personally, I think they should

just turn social distancing into an Olympic sport.

Yeah. We can watch that.

Have you watched people these days? Huh?

When they're walking down the street,

going to the grocery store. Every time someone gets

within six feet of them, they're basically doing Olympic moves.

(grunting)

Now, despite coronavirus

being one of the most stressful situations

the world has ever experienced,

it has also given us

moments of pure comedy gold.

For instance, in Italy,

despite being one of the hardest-hit countries,

with 60,000 confirmed cases, some Italians

are still going out,

living their normal lives and having fun.

Which is not only irresponsible,

it's stressing a lot of people out. Right?

And so a lot of Italian mayors and local leaders

have started posting videos

yelling at people to go back home.

Yo, I got to say, I love how direct Italians are.

Because in America, mayors are like,

"Please help to flatten the curve

"to limit your excursions to only essential travel.

Please, we know people aren't doing this. We need you."

And in Italy, they're just like, "Get the (bleep) inside.

"I'll knock your teeth in.

"You don't listen me. Why you don't listen?

"I'm going to come there and punch you in the face.

"I'm going to... going to break you.

You're mine, and I'm going to break you."

Now, while leaders in Italy are threatening

to come and kick their constituents' ass,

the residents of Spain seem to be a little more well-behaved.

And so, to reward the citizens stuck at home,

the police are driving around

and performing for people in the streets.

(Policeman speaks Spanish)

(people speak Spanish)

(Policeman speaks Spanish)

Uno, dos, tres.

(singing lively song in Spanish, rhythmic clapping)

Oh. You see?

That's nice.

That's a really nice thing for those police to do,

and something that would never work in the U.S.A.

Can you imagine that?

Police driving out, jumping out of their cars,

with instruments playing for people?

As soon as black people start clapping,

the cops would lose their shit, and just be like,

"And we're here to sing for you."

And black people would be like, "Yay!" Be like,

"Shots fired! Shots fired! Shots fired!"

Be like, "Yo, man, I was clapping."

"Put your hands down!"

"I can't. They're my hands, man!

They're my hands!"

All right, so, that's some

of what's going on around the world.

So let's switch gears and catch up

on everything over here in the U.S.

Over the past few days,

more high-profile people have tested positive for coronavirus.

Andy Cohen has coronavirus.

Senator Rand Paul has coronavirus.

Even Harvey Weinstein, who's in prison,

has tested positive for coronavirus,

which makes coronavirus the first thing

that's come into contact with Harvey Weinstein by choice.

Now, because Rand Paul tested positive,

a number of senators who came into contact with him

quarantined themselves out of precaution.

And when Trump was asked about one of those senators,

he could barely contain his glee.

President Trump's press briefing yesterday started

on notes of unity and strength, but quickly turned

to him appearing to mock Senator Mitt Romney's decision

to self-isolate himself.

MAN: On top of Senator Paul,

now four senators are in isolation,

and the rules say that in order to vote

-they have to be there. -Who are they, please?

-Who are they? -Uh, Romney, Senator Lee.

Senator Gardner, Senator Rick Scott.

Senator Gardner and... Senator Rick Scott, also.

Two of them were in contact with him,

-with Rand Paul. -Rick is coming out.

Uh, with the stimulus package vote expected soon...

-Romney's in isolation? -Yes. -Yes.

-Gee, that's too bad. -Um...

-Go ahead. -Uh, did I detect sarcasm there... sir?

-No. None whatsoever. -Uh...

Ooh! Goddamn!

You know, even if we all get wiped out,

I feel like Trump's pettiness is gonna be the only thing

that survives this pandemic.

And, like, there's no good time for a president to be a dick,

but what he did there was a little...

I mean, it was shitty, right?

Mitt Romney's in danger

after being exposed to the virus, right?

And Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, has MS,

so she's at a higher risk for complications.

And I bet Trump didn't even think of this when he spoke.

You know, because he can't imagine a husband

and wife ever getting close enough to expose one another.

Now obviously, it's not just famous people

testing positive for coronavirus.

Every day, the number of infected people

in America goes up by thousands.

And because of that, hospitals are now being overwhelmed.

Doctors are running out of vital supplies,

like masks, gloves and gowns.

And it's gotten so desperate that the CDC is telling doctors

to just try and use scarfs and bandanas.

That's really troubling... for two reasons.

One-- doctors are obviously gonna be at an increased risk

of getting infected by the virus.

And two-- every hospital is gonna start looking

like it's being run by the Crips and the Bloods.

"Hey, man, don't you ever let me

"catch you prescribing shit in my ward, Cous.

Now let me get that CT scan on Miss Chewalsky."

So, now,

the hospital equipment shortage has gotten so dire

that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced

that the state was forced to buy

two million masks from overseas

for about five times their regular price.

And even though some mask manufacturers in America

are ramping up production, it's not happening fast enough.

It's not happening fast enough

for the doctors who are on the front lines.

And so, governors have been pleading with President Trump

to use The Defense Production Act

to force private companies in America

to produce all the supplies hospitals desperately need.

But Trump has refused to use this law,

implying that it would turn America

into Venezuela. Yeah.

And while he's telling American governors

to figure things out for themselves,

he also wrote a letter to Kim Jung-un,

offering to help North Korea to fight the coronavirus.

So at this point,

I don't know what's more unbelievable.

That Donald Trump is worrying about North Korea,

or that he was able to write an entire letter.