but being stuck in quarantine,

I've been watching a shit ton of news.

Like, all day, that's the only thing I watch,

just to try and find out what's going on in the world.

And it turns out

Dulcé Sloan is also watching the news all the time.

But it turns out, she's been focused

on something totally different.

Check it out.

Hey, friends. I don't know about you,

but I just finished watching all of RuPaul's Drag Race...

twice.

So I started watching the news.

There is more grim news at the epicenter of the pandemic.

-Total coronavirus cases have eclipsed.... -The death toll...

(overlapping chatter)

And that got real depressing real fast.

And then I started watching it on mute.

Tens of millions more Americans...

And it's amazing!

See, all the anchors are broadcasting

from their homes now.

But if you don't listen to what they're saying

and just look at the background,

oh, it's like the worst version of Cribs. Check it out.

All right, now I love me some Anderson Cooper,

but this is a little much.

It's, like, we get it. You read.

I mean, he looks like he lives in a real life game of Clue.

He doesn't need to be worried about corona.

He needs to be worried about Colonel Mustard

in the kitchen with the candlestick.

Okay, how is this guy the same color as his wall?

If he wasn't wearing a black jacket, I wouldn't know

where he stopped and the apartment started.

And is it just me,

or is this apartment giving out real American Psycho vibes?

Like, "Quick. Get the blood-stained tarp

off the couch. We're going on air!"

The self-isolation got to this lady, and she snapped.

Look at that. Color-coded books?

Why? For what?

She looked like she's livestreaming

from inside Pinterest.

I mean, how does that even work?

"Hmm. What should I read tonight?

How about something blue?"

I'd love to see her in a bookstore.

"Um, excuse me?

Do you have anything in a sea foam green?"

"Girl, what?!"

Is that how a CNBC reporter lives?

This dude's fireplace is bigger

than every studio apartment in Brooklyn.

He should check to make sure

there's not an MFA student squatting in there.

He's obviously got money, though. I'll give him that.

I can learn how to do the thing where you make money

by watching a line on a chart go up.

Hold on.

Please give me $500,000.

Expert.

Wow. Nice poster.

Slow down, Cool Dad. Don't smoke all the weed.

Why is he even there?

I thought the colleges closed their dorms.

Boring!

Oh, (bleep). This dude is Pennywise!

Move on! Move!

I can't tell if this woman is going to update us

on the news or sell us handmade turquoise jewelry.

Woman, you're not in the Southwest.

You're in Florida.

I want to see the Golden Girls set.

Give me cheesecake, lanai,

shoulder pads, shoulder pads. Blanche!

Yo, that man's bookshelf looks like a little penis.

And if there's anything I've seen, it's little peen.

What's up with these candlesticks?

It's like if Harry Potter's wand got genital warts.

Uh-uh. I don't like that.

Is this a home office or time out?

Wait. Does this guy have a framed picture of himself?

Or maybe he's the picture that comes with the frame.

'Cause his whole vibe is kind of

the picture that comes with the frame.

But also, is he single?

'Cause, uh, I don't know if I've been under quarantine too long,

but, um, the man's looking like a snack,

real two-piece and a biscuit or a Lunchable.

A real hot dog when you got home from school! Mmm!

All right, that's all for today, friends.

Join me next time when I roast Trevor Noah's apartment.

Like, what is that trophy?

Did he win the World Cup, but for babies? (snorts)

See you then. Bye!