Today we're going to be baking Christmas cookies - low FODMAP-style

with Stevie!

[Cheering and applause] S: Oh, hi!

J: If you don't know, Claudia and I adopted Stevie this summer

because if you can't have a baby,

why not have a truculent twenty-something American who's obsessed with purple and sleeps 'til midday?

S: How long have you been preparing that? How dare you?

J: Stevie has recently been diagnosed with some connective tissue issues

and as part of that she's maybe gonna start looking at the FODMAP Diet,

which is very good for those of us who don't have great bellies

S: I love bread!

J: OK, good luck with that.

S: I bought gluten-free bagels and they were the most disgusting thing I've ever tried

J: I will admit that gluten-free bagels aren't a good idea.

J: Well, we're gonna bake cookies!

J: Using...almond flour.

S: Yaaay. J: Now, some people do have issues with different nut flours,

J: but this is the one that works for me, so hopefully it will work for you.

J: We're also going to be using...coconut flour!

S: Why both? J: A nice mixture.

J: Because coconut flour - boy, it just sucks everything up

J: You then need to balance it out

J: with a less absorbent flour. S: Oooh, keep it moist.

S: So you're literally doing science.

J: That is what baking is. S: I know, that's why it's terrifying,

S: because there's so much math! J: Cooking is an art; baking is science!

S: I can't bake. I'm so happy you're here to teach me.

J: Do you have anything that weighs?

J: Because I looked around your kitchen... S: Here's the thing.

J: I couldn't find anything. S: So, American and English weighing systems are very different.

S: So I have like cups; quarter cup.

S: You guys do grams, right? J: Yes!

J: Obvious way, because... S: I know, your little scales are so cute!

J: ...it makes sense.

J: OK!

J: We're gonna start with...! S: Oh, my God, you have to, like, do...conversions.

J: Yes, I do.

S: Phew! J: This is gonna be great.

S: I'm so happy you're doing it.

J: We're gonna start with a dairy-free spread or butter.

J: It's like a coconut-ginger Christmas biscuit, so...

S: OK, good. J: It works very well.

S: [Inaudible]

J: 190 grams of this.

J: OK, OK, it tells me on it

that it's ten ounces, which is 283 grams.

J: So we can work out from that...

and a little bit of guesstimation.

S: I thought it was a science?

J: Love is guesstimation. There we go.

J: ...In grams! C: You could probably Google it.

J: Shall we Google that? Let's Google. S: Yes.

J: One cup is 340 grams.

We're gonna work it out from that.

J: Right. Next thing.

Sweetener.

This one I brought with me from England because I wasn't sure what you have here.

J: When you're on a FODMAP Diet, you can't have the sweeteners that end in "--ol,"

but this is sucralose, which they sell as Splenda here.

S: So light and fluffy.

J: This half cup is 170 grams.

J: And we're going to mix until light and fluffy!

S: You want me to mix?

S: I feel like the sugar would just float away

if you blew on it.

J: I mean, yeah, it...it will, so. S: But like even slightly.

J: Thank you very much, good job.

J: Then we need to add in eggs and…Golden Syrup!

S: Oh, maple syrup?

J: ...No. S: Oh.

J: Golden Syrup doesn't work for me and Maple Syrup doesn't work for me -

all those kinds of things.

J: Instead, we have organic maple-flavored syrup.

S: OK. J: Made with stevia!

J: Four tablespoons. S: Oh, great! I have the...

S: Yeah, we still measure in tablespoons, but not...? That's so weird.

J: I don't know why that would be different.

S: I don't know, I don't understand why you have—weigh in grams.

J: Really? S: Yeah, I don't get it.

S: 'Cause we don't do weight at all.

S: We just do volume.

S: We only measure in weight when it's like a giant amount,

like, "I'm buying ten pounds of marijuana," you know what I mean?

J: You wanna add your eggs?

S: Yeah. J: Oh, tell me again about the disgusting thing you guys do to eggs.

S: I haven't fact-checked this.

S: It's because we remove the membrane

on the top of it; the natural membrane when the hen lays the egg.

S: Um, because we're obsessed with, like, being sanitary.

[Bewildered noise] S: It gets rid of its shelf life, which is usually--Americans love shelf life!

S: So, it's kind of weird.

S: So that's why we refrigerate our eggs.

S: The first time I went to England, I saw the eggs just chillin', not in the fridge, and I was like

[horrified gasp] "What's happening?!"

J: We were like, "we don't bleach our eggs like weirdos."

S: I posted it online and people were like, "Don't Google it."

[Cheery festive music]

J: All right, break. S: Smells great.

J: Able-bodied person?!

J: Whoa, you made it look so good.

S: Oooo, that changed it.

S: Science!

J: So, almond flour! 150 grams! Oh, cheers.

J: Here we go again.

S: Did you know that the grams thing wasn't a thing here before today?

J: I mean, I did know that the grams thing wasn't a thing.

I somehow thought that you would have a measuring scale

which would have both grams and pounds and ounces on

because that's what we have in England.

S: If you have a scale in your house and they arrest you

for something, then they give you another charge for drug dealing.

[Record scratch]

S: So when I saw scales in England, I was like,

"Oh, my God, look at all these drug dealers."

J: The ONLY thing people in America use weights for is to measure drugs?

S: I'm sure there's other things; I can't think of any.

J: Baking!

S: Nobody uses scales to bake, though.

J: So, if I see a scale in an American household,

J: I know they're a drug dealer. S: Yeah.

J: Please confirm in the comments.

S: I mean you could be like, "Explain yourself" and they'll be like, "I don't sell drugs."

J: So, half a cup is 170 grams.

I need 150 grams, let's go.

[Cheery festive music]

J: All right, now we have coconut flour!

J: Yay! Coconut flour's one of my favourite flours.

S: Mm! J: Although you have to use so much less of it than regular flour

J: otherwise, phew! Everything's gonna be very dry including your mouth.

[Cheery festive music]

J: We need to add the ground ginger, cinnamon, baking soda, cloves, salt, and guar gum.

S: What's guar gum?

J: It basically helps in your gluten-free baking, because gluten is the kind of stretchy element

that binds together flours.

J: This just adds that...

S: OK.

S: Ooo, it smells like chocolate!

[Cheery festive music]

J: Your job is to line this baking tray with wax paper.

S: OK!

J: And I'm gonna mix together the wet and the dry ingredients.

[Cheery festive music]

J: This is like all of my exercise for the day. S: Yeah, you're getting it.

C: Do you want help?

C: Does it need more, like, mixing?

J: Where are your teaspoons?

S: Oh, like actual spoons that--for stirring tea? L.O.L.

[Cackling]

J: Sorry, do you not have teaspoons in your country?

S: I mean, I have like smaller spoons if that's OK. C: Do you just call them small spoons?

S: Yeah. C: They're called teaspoons.

J: So, take a tablespoon amount, and then, using your teaspoon,

scrape it down.

J: Flatten it out slightly.

S: Like that?

J: Wow, those are misshapen.

J: Yeah, like this.

J: You don't want any kind of like really thick bits and then really thin bits.

S: SO good.

J: Doesn't it smell like Christmas? S: Mmhm.

[Cheery festive music]

S: They look so pretty, look at them!

[Cheery festive music]

[Background] S: They're so pretty!

J: Christmas cookies! [Stevie chuckles]

[Cheery festive music]

J: Can you taste anything or just...? S: Shut up!

S: Stop!

S: This is SO good.

J: Good!

S: How does this not have anything bad in it?

J: I know!

[Slaps thigh]

[Cheery festive music]

J: Gluten. And sugar. S: I wasn't--I was ready for this to taste bad.

S: I'm not gonna lie, I'm so sorry.

S: I love you, but I was like...

"This is fake everything, what?"

J: OK... S: But it's SO good!

S: Oh, my God!

S: There's no sugar; no dairy... J: Mmhm, mmhm.

S: No gluten. J: Mm-mm.

S: What? J: I know.

S: I don't think I've ever eaten something that's sugar-free, gluten-free, dairy-free that's, like, a thing you make.

J: And actually tasty, too.

S: Mm! [Whispering] What the hell?

S: You should make a cookie cookbook.

[Cheery festive music]

J: Hi, Ziggy.

[Noises to call a cat]

S: Ziggy, get down.

S: You're so bad.