Sephiroth's a dickhead.

'Cause this thing is his mom.

AND he's a ghost.

To stop Sephiroth, Cloud dresses up like a woman and have sex with a man.

Then he goes on a date with Barret.

Cloud, you get it, man, right?

See? She gets it.

Barret, you get it, man, right?

Sephiroth gets it.

Now that you all get the story, let's go stop Sephiroth--

[ Pokemon encounter sound ]

GOD DAMN -

Six frogs?

Three frogs is fucked up. Six frogs -

I'm not even gonna -

I'm not even gonna be able to play.

Come on.

Come on, go, hit.

Hit the frog.

No, no.

Damn it.

OK.

Oh, Barret -

Shoot! Shoot the frog!

Shoot the frog, come on. Shoot him!

What are you doing? Come - no, god, no.

Frog

[ groans ]

What is this game?

Sleeping Frogs?

[ rimshot ]

Come on, get a punch in there.

Get--she's up! She's up!

Aaaaaaaand

Ladies and gentlemen, we have now entered the frog lock.

So, what happens is they cast Frog Song, then they punch you for 4 damage.

And then they do it right again.

And this will go on for the next four hours.

Thank you, frogs. I love you.

Yeah, slap her head off!

Ooh, don't take that!

Even the slap fight is turn based.

[ Darude - Sandstorm playing ]

[ Dunkey scatting Yakety Sax throughout ]

Hey, what the fuck, Darth Sith?!

Uh oh, looks like I'm busted on this one.

I was workin' for Shenmue all along, fellas.

Let's just forget this ever happened.

Aw man, Darth Sith. Forgive and forget.

That's what I say.

FUCKIN KILL THAT PIECE OF SHIT

[ victory fanfare ]

[ Dunkey scatting Get Down Tonight ]

♪ Do a little dance, whoo! Get down tonight! ♪

♪ BUH BUH BUH BUH ♪

♪ GET DOWN TONIGHT ♪

♪ BUH BUH BUH BUH ♪

You assholes, you gotta shoot 'em with your hands, like this!

[ imitates machine gun fire ]

EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH

I'm really getting down toniiiiiight!

Watch out for my missile move!

Ha ha!

Think you can beat the missile move, baby?

Nuh uh.

Think again.

Keep going? Of course, of course keep goin -

What - what - what are you do? Half my HP?

You think that's gonna stop me?

Boom. Dead in one hit.

Oh, what's this? Down 5 levels?

Pfffffft. [ laughs ]

OK, give me a challenge.

OH GOD

NO.

[ goofy laughter ] Fellas, da, da, da Earth is talkin' to me, guys.

It says that danger. Danger, fellas! [ goofy laughter ]

Oh, let me rub my face on this bridge real quick, I can feel the Mako waves, just comin' offa dis thing.

YES! [ Aerith laughing goofily throughout ]

KILL! [ Aerith laughing goofily throughout ]

KILL!

NO!

Come on, dammit!

So close.

Oh, yes, yes!

GO, GO!

YES!

YES!

YES!

[ clapping ]

Round of applause for Sephiroth, everybody.

[ goofy voice ] Ta-da.

Sephiroth, man, you did a good job, but

why is your mouth open throughout the entire game?

I - this is real.

Are you a fucking ass?

"When the party reaches the Northern Crater to confront Sephiroth for killing Aerith,"

"they learn that Sephiroth was one of multiple Jenova clones that Hojo had created"

[ beginning to crack up ] "from both animals AND humans."

Uh oh.

We've awoken MechaGodzilla.

Quick.

He's headed straight for Midgar.

We have about, uh, three weeks to evacuate the city.

Come on.

Actually, I'll be right back.

Cloud and his boyfriends go on an epic journey, spanning over 10 disks.

Along the way, they fight

a giant icicle,

John Carpenter's The Thing,

a dinosaur tractor,

all of the Sonic characters,

Pokemon Ruby,

and Sephiroth's grandpa.

But in a freak wheelchair accident, Cloud is sucked into

The Omega Realm.

"It is revealed that Cloud is actually a cybernetic turtle from the future,"

"searching for the mystic mungis."

[ laughing ]

Hey, you guys are rippin' off the AI from Crysis! Knock that off.

What key is switch?

I don't - why can't you just say what key it's bound to?!

I look like a total dickhead!

Oh my - no -

Oh, of course. Insert.

This is the scariest hotel in the world.

Uh, sir, I need to check -

[ screams ] Oh my god!

That's not how to run a business!

[ loud music playing, Dunkey yelling ]

Ah, so this is what a Time Guardian looks like.

Uh, let's go into 3, I guess.

Number 3.

You idiots!

This is number 6!

Ooh, let's go in number 10. I remember beatin' this one on PS -

A HA HA HA HA HA

What happens if I go to number 7?

[ One Winged Angel playing throughout ] [ evil laughter ]

Oh shit, I'm not even ready for this.

SEPHIROTH: So, Cloud, I see you finally found my secret lair!

Wait -

SEPHIROTH: Only now can I reveal my ultimate form!

Let me go back for a second -

SEPHIROTH: Not this one!

SEPHIROTH: Not this one! No!

SEPHIROTH: Not this one!

SEPHIROTH: THIS ONE!

[ evil laughter ]

♪ Estuans interius ♪

♪ Ira vehementi ♪

♪ Sephiroth! ♪

I AM FROGS!

[ evil laughter ]

You son of a bitch, Sephiroth!

I should have known you were frogs all along!

That's it!

I summon the power

of the

MYSTIC

MUNGIS

[ Liberi Fatali playing throughout entire sequence ]

♪ Horti ♪

♪ verna ♪

♪ veri - tatis ♪

♪ Ardente veritate ♪

♪ Urite mala mundi ♪

♪ Ardente veritate ♪

♪ Incendite tenebras mundi ♪

♪ Valete liberi ♪

♪ Diebus fatalibus ♪

[ victory fanfare ]

All right, man. I'm back.

I beat the whole game.

And he's still not even remotely close yet.