- Having my coworkers sing to me is my worst nightmare.

- Oh, (bleep) now I'm gonna have to get you something nice on your birthday, too!

- Wearing this hat so people remember that it's my birthday.

- This is my favorite day of the year because I can be super typical and no one can say a damn thing about it.

- Buy me shots! That's what this means.

- I know you're all just here because you want cake.

None of you give a (bleep) about my birthday.

- Oh yeah, I miss getting presents.

- I know my birthday is only one day, but I'm gonna drag it out for an entire week.

- Please blow out so I can go back to work.

- I know you're using my birthday as an excuse just to get drunk, so am I.

- Oh, yeah! I'm gonna spend most of today counting my Facebook posts, see how many people wished me Happy Birthday.

- I'm know I'm an unbearable drunk, but it's my birthday, so you literally have no choice but to stand here and talk to me.

- I wish this moment would end. Please

- You're my secret office crush and if you don't come to my party, I'm-- it's gonna just destroy me.

- This present is just a reminder of how old I'm getting.

- (laughs) I actually haven't enjoyed a birthday since I turned 21.

- (blows) I'm gonna die alone.

(coworkers clapping)

- [Voiceover] Bitch, don't think I didn't notice that you didn't write on my Facebook wall. Texts don't count.

- The office manager forgot to buy me a cake and I'm slowly dying inside.

But I got a hat!