>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!

I'M HERE JUST SCATIN 'WITH MY FRIEND JON BATISTE.

♪ BA-BA-DO.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU WRITING ANYTHING JON?

ARE YOU WRITE ANYTHING MUSIC RIGHT NOW?

>> I AM WRITING A LOT OF MUSIC.

I WAS LISTENING TO JOE BEAM.

ANTONIO CARLOS JOE BEAM.

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW JOE BEAM.

>> HE WROTE "THE GIRL FROM IMPNINA ♪

>> Stephen: OH, SO SMOOTH!

>> Jon: WOO!

>> Stephen: JON, COULD YOU PLAY US A LITTLE SONG BEFORE WE

GO ON?

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, LET'S GET HAPPENIN'.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

EVERYBODY!

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OUT HERE CAREFULLY PICKING THE

RIPEST NEWS BERRIES FROM THE TOPICAL COFFEE TREE, GENTLY

HAND-PULPING THEM TO REMOVE THE BEANS, THEN DRUM-ROASTING THEM

TO PERFECTION TO CREATE THE STRONG, YET DELICATE, ITALIAN

ESPRESSO THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO THROW TOGETHER A HALF-FINISHED CAN OF

AND A SHOT OF FIREBALL TO CREATE THE LAWSUIT-READY BOOTLEG ENERGY

DRINK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

>> QUARANTINE-WHILE!

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "FLORIDA DEPUTIES ARRESTED A MAN

WHO HAD BEEN LIVING OUT HIS QUARANTINE ON A SHUTTERED DISNEY

WORLD ISLAND."

OF COURSE, HE HAD NO CHANCE OF HIDING FROM THE POLICE.

IT'S A SMALL WORLD, AFTER ALL.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, MANY AMERICANS CAN'T WAIT FOR THE LOCKDOWN TO

END SO THEY CAN HAVE THEIR SPORTS BACK.

AND SOME SPORTS AREN'T WAITING.

RECENTLY, "THE PROFESSIONAL BULL RIDING TOUR BECAME THE FIRST

SPORT TO RETURN SINCE THE COVID-19 SHUTDOWN."

I SAY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BRING BACK BULL RIDING, EACH

RIDER GETS EIGHT SECONDS TO TRY TO PUT A MASK ON IT.

THE EVENT WAS HELD ON A RANCH IN OKLAHOMA WITH NO FANS IN

ATTENDANCE, AND SOME SAY PROFESSIONAL BULL RIDING-- OR

P.B.R.-- "MAY HAVE SET THE TEMPLATE FOR ALL OTHER MAJOR

SPORTS NOW TO FOLLOW."

YES, ALL SPORTS SHOULD FOLLOW THEIR MODEL.

I, FOR ONE, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE BULLS VS. BULLS.

THE EVENT HAD NO AUDIENCE, AND PRECAUTIONS WERE TAKEN FOR

RIDERS, WHO "WERE PROVIDED CUSTOM MASKS ALONG WITH

PROTECTIVE GLOVES AND SAFETY GLASSES," BECAUSE, AS THE C.E.O.

OF P.B.R. PUT IT, "YOU CAN'T BE TOO SAFE."

IT'S A WEIRD COMMENT FROM THE SPORT OF BULL RIDING.

"RONNIE, I DON'T CARE IF YOU JUST GOT TRAMPLED BY A

1,600-POUND ANIMAL.

PLEASE COUGH THE BLOOD INTO YOUR AND IT'S NOT JUST BULL RIDING.

"NASCAR IS SCHEDULED TO MAKE ITS RETURN TO RACING ON SUNDAY,

MAY 17."

THE EVENT WILL HAVE NO AUDIENCE BUT WILL AIR LIVE ON "FOX, MRN,

AND SIRIUSXM NASCAR RADIO."

OH, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE CURLING UP AROUND THE RADIO TO LISTEN TO

SOME NASCAR, THEN MAYBE SMELL A HOCKEY GAME AND LICK A TRACK

MEET.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, THE CUOMO BROTHERS

ARE NOW MORE DESIRED THAN THE JONAS BROTHERS.

LET ME BE THE FIRST TO SAY I DID NOT REALIZE THOSE SETS OF

BROTHERS WERE AFTER THE SAME DEMOGRAPHIC.

BEING HOT IS THE JONAS BROTHERS' THING.

WERE THE CUOMOS BROTHERS ALSO VOTED "MORE HANDY THAN 'THE

PROPERTY BROTHERS'" AND "MORE ITALIAN THAN THE MARIO

BROTHERS?" THE SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED BY

LONG ISLAND MATCHMAKER AND MATCHMAKER WHO IS CLEARLY FROM

LONG ISLAND, MAUREEN TARA NELSON.

EVERY YEAR, NELSON ASKS HER CLIENTS WHO THEY CONSIDER AN

IDEAL MATE, AND IN HER LATEST BATCH OF RESPONSES, "THE CUOMO

BROTHERS WON IN A TIE FOR THE MOST HANDSOME MEN IN NEW YORK."

SO, I GUESS THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG.

I DON'T LIVE IN NEW YORK.

THIS NEXT STORY BELONGS TO MY LONG-RUNNING "MEANWHILE"

SUBSEGMENT, "MEATWHILE."

MEATWHILE, COSTCO IS LIMITING HOW MUCH MEAT CUSTOMERS CAN BUY.

IT'S REALLY STRANGE TO HEAR THE WORDS "THAT'S ENOUGH" FROM a

RETAILER THAT WILL LITERALLY SELL YOU A 72-POUND WHEEL OF

CHEESE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, BEST-SELLING YOUNG ADULT AUTHOR "STEPHENIE

MEYER HAS ANNOUNCED THE PUBLICATION OF A NEW 'TWILIGHT'

BOOK CALLED 'MIDNIGHT SUN.'" GREAT NEWS FOR FANS OF THE

ORIGINAL BOOKS, BUT A TOUGH BREAK FOR MY COMPETING SERIES:

"DOUG, THE VERY HORNY VAMPIRE."

BUT THIS ISN'T EXACTLY A NEW STORY.

THE BOOK IS ACTUALLY A RETELLING OF THE FIRST BOOK "FROM THE

VAMPIRE'S PERSPECTIVE" AND THIS "VERSION IS MUCH LONGER."

BECAUSE THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN A STORY YOU'VE ALREADY

HEARD, IS A STORY YOU'VE ALREADY HEARD THAT TAKES MUCH

LONGER.

BUT THIS DOES BODE WELL FOR MORE RETELLINGS OF POPULAR Y.A.

NOVELS, LIKE THE NEW "HARRY POTTER" SERIES FROM VOLDEMORT'S

PERSPECTIVE: "TOM RIDDLE AND THE ANNOYING KID WITH GLASSES I KEEP

TRYING TO KILL."

THAT'S IT FOR "QUARANTINE-WHILE."

WHEN WE COME BACK, ONE OF MY PRODUCERS LETS HIS CHILD CUT HIS

HAIR.

IT'S WORTH STICKING AROUND.