I've been sittin' here for about a half an hour,

waiting for my neighbor to stop mowing his lawn,

but don't worry. I've been passing the time

trying to remember how much we paid

for the tiny chair behind me, which, to my knowledge,

neither of my children ever, ever use.

Because it turns out, toddlers rarely say,

"I don't know about you, but,

I need to take a load off."

Maybe I can get the dog to sit in it?

Maybe that would be cute and I could Instagram it

or you could Instagram it.

Truth is, I think the chair is useless.

Speaking of useless, that whole thing was a segue.

The Trump administration understands

the importance of testing to safely reopen the economy,

because they're testing themselves.

They just don't care about testing you.

For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."

[ Suspenseful theme plays ]

Donald Trump doesn't just lie about the big things.

He also lies compulsively

about the smallest, dumbest things,

like how many people were at his inauguration

or who drew a circle on a hurricane map

or whether he's ever even met Eric and Don Jr.

"I'm sorry. I'm not acquainted

with these two charming business lizards."

And the lies about the small stuff

are red flags for the lies about the big stuff.

For example, Trump visited a Honeywell factory

in Arizona Tuesday, where they were making masks.

You might remember the trip from this indelible image

of Trump inspecting the masks

while "Live and Let Die" blasted in the background.

[ "Live and Let Die" plays ] -The material

that traps the particulates --

[ Drowning out speaker ] -♪ Live and let die ♪

♪♪

-My favorite part of that clip is how oblivious Trump is

to what's going on around him.

He's just nodding and pointing at a mask

like a tourist at a museum that's on fire.

"They say she has that smile

because she likes the smell of smoke."

But you might notice, based on seeing his whole face,

that he is not, in fact, wearing a mask

and, yet, when he spoke to reporters on Wednesday,

he insisted he did, in fact, wear a mask.

-Mr. President, yesterday, you went to Arizona

and you had said, before the trip,

that you would likely wear a mask at the mask factory.

You ended up not wearing one.

-Well, I actually did have one, no.

I put a mask on, yeah.

I had a mask on for a period of time.

-We didn't see you with a mask on.

-Well, I can't help it if you didn't see me.

I mean, I had a mask on, but I didn't need it.

But I did put a mask on

and it was a Honeywell mask, actually.

And I also had a 3M mask and I had about four other masks.

But I did have it on. I don't know if you saw it or not,

but I had it on. -How long did you have it on for?

-Not too long, but I had it on.

I had it on backstage.

-Okay. First of all, it's a factory.

[ Laughing ] There's not a backstage.

"Let's give those machines

everything they've bargained for, boys!"

[ Laughing ] Also, to Trump, everything's a beauty pageant.

He was probably expecting the machinists to be wearing sashes.

"Hi, I'm Ted from Tucson and, well,

I guess my talent is -- [ Mumbling ] I don't know.

Makin' masks."

[ As Trump ] Very good, Ted. Now, do a twirl.

Okay. And, now,

can we see the swimsuit portion of the factory?

Is that nearby?

Second, what do you mean,

you can't help it if we didn't see you?

We saw you. You weren't wearing a mask.

You were wearing goggles, which is notable

because it's very weird to see a renowned moron like Trump

wearing something a scientist wears in a lab.

It's like watching a dog use a calculator.

[ Thumping ]

[ As dog ] [ Grumbles ]

Well, there's something much more revealing

about this episode than just the fact

that the president is a compulsive liar.

Trump didn't need to wear a mask

because he and all the people around him

have been tested for coronavirus,

which is obviously quite the luxury,

a luxury most Americans don't have.

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany

was asked why ordinary Americans

don't deserve the same access to testing

that government officials and corporate executives get

and she mocked the idea of widespread testing as absurd.

-You said, at Honeywell, that the president was told

by the folks at Honeywell, as was the team,

that they didn't need to wear masks.

The reason he was told that is because

the people who would be interacting with him

had all been tested and had been shown to be negative

before that took place, I guess.

So, the president had those circumstances.

Obviously, he's the president, but why shouldn't all Americans

who go back to work

be able to get a test before they do it,

to feel comfortable in their own work environment,

to be interacting with other individuals?

-Yeah, well, let's dismiss a myth about tests right now.

If we tested every single American

in this country at this moment,

we'd have to retest them an hour later

and then an hour later after that because,

at any moment, you could theoretically

contract this virus, so the notion that

everyone needs to be tested is just simply nonsensical.

-Oh, good point.

Maybe we should also stop providing food, too,

because people will eat a meal and then, four hours later,

they're just gonna eat another meal.

Or under quarantine 20 minutes later.

But listen to what she's saying there.

She's saying you don't need to be tested to go back to work,

but the president and everyone around him need to get tested

so he can go back to work safely

and freely engage in all his favorite hobbies,

like shakin' hands

and touchin' his face,

coughin' onto other people,

and licking chip dust off doorknobs.

[ As Trump ] Did somebody eat Cheetos?

There's a real Cheeto vibe from the doorknob.

That's what this is all about.

They just wanna protect themselves,

while telling you that you need to be a warrior

and get back out there

to get the economy going, fires be damned.

They're all Billy Zane from "Titanic,"

shoving themselves through the crowd

to get onto a lifeboat, while the rest of us float

in frigid waters and cling to a door

that Rose probably coulda let us in on,

because, you know, there's clearly enough room.

It's like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a business class door?

Did you pay for more leg room?"

I know. I'm sorry, Rose. I know.

You've been through a lot. But I digress.

The point is, they're lookin' out for themselves, not you.

That's why they're testing themselves

and stuffing bailout money into the pockets

of big corporations and the wealthy.

In fact, today, it was reported

that the CDC had even written guidelines for safely reopening,

but the White House buried them.

The Trump administration has shelved the document,

created by the nation's top disease investigators,

with step-by-step advice to local authorities

on how and when to reopen restaurants

and other public places

during the still-raging coronavirus outbreak.

That's right, the CDC wrote a plan

for safely reopening the economy

and the Trump administration covered it up.

Basically, they did to the CDC plan

what Dr. Fauci does to his face during Trump's briefings.

[ As Trump ] Oh, that's a good idea, Fauci.

I didn't know you could use your hand as a mask.

[ Whispering ] Jared! Jared!

Get me a patent for hand masks.

That way, the next time Fauci does it,

he'll have to pay me and I can keep makin' him do it

and he'll keep having to make him pay me.

Ohhh! We're gonna ruin him, Jared!

Ohh, we're gonna ruin Fauci!

[ Raises voice ] Oh, hi, Fauci!

Oh, we were just talking about you.

Weren't we, Jared?

[ Whispering ] Jared, I'm winking.

Jared!

In fact, Trump even said this week

he doesn't think we need that much testing,

in order to get people back into the workforce safely.

-Look, we have so much testing.

I don't think you need that kind of testing, that much testing,

but some people disagree with me.

Some people agree with me.

-No! No one agrees with you.

I haven't seen one public health official say,

"You know what? Testing is overrated."

The importance of widespread testing

is like the one thing they all agree on.

If you watch the news, you will hear the word testing enough

to have nightmares about being back in high school.

Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat

and yelled at my wife, "Honey!

I'm late for the PSATs!

Give me a practice test. I need to cram!"

Or stuff. It's a synonym.

Thanks, Kaplan!

Of course, Trump doesn't understand tests

because he's never taken one without cheating.

In college, he just handed in blank essays

with a wad of cash clipped to them

and a note that said, "From Fred Trump."

So, Trump doesn't think we need that much testing

or, at least, he doesn't think you need that much testing.

He and everyone around him, of course,

have a completely different standard.

-Everybody traveling has been tested.

We have great testing

and, literally, they've been tested over the last hour

and the test result comes back in five minutes.

We have great testing, or they wouldn't be allowed

to travel with me, so they're all tested,

everybody traveling on the plane.

-Oh, I see. So, ordinary Americans

being forced back to work can't get tested,

but you and everyone around you can.

Look, I get that he's the president

and he's gonna get tested before everyone else.

In fact, depending on what the test is for,

I'd be fine with it.

I think everyone should have access to COVID tests,

but I'd be okay with Trump getting a regular CAT Stan

before he talks to the press.

Mr. President, it looks like you have

what we in the medical profession call

pancake brain.

But the point is not that the president shouldn't get tested.

It's that, if he wants to force working people back

into the economy prematurely

in the middle of a deadly pandemic,

he should make sure everyone else can get tested, too.

But Trump doesn't actually care about that.

In fact, he went to the Honeywell factory without a mask

to create the illusion that everything is fine.

We can all get back to normal.

Because, as a showman,

there's nothing Trump loves more than a photo op, or a prop.

Like the time he made a big deal of personally redesigning

the color scheme of Air Force One.

You know, important president stuff.

And had a giant model of the newer airplane