It's like I'm 12 again, and they're my lame mom, grounding me because I stole the car and crashed it into a bush!

With everyone stuck at home all the time, people keep saying they don't even know what day of the week it is anymore.

Well, I do.

It's not that hard, people.

Today is...

(ominous underscore)

People usually keep their distance from me anyway.

I don't need social distance rules to help me with that.

I mean, check this out.

(pulsating sci-fi sound)

I'm gonna need you all to stay six feet away from me.

A full six feet.

Don't be like guys on dating apps, who say they're six feet, but they're really five foot nine.

I may have fake coughed on the last pack of toilet paper at the store, so that everyone else would back off and let me have it.

And yes, technically I could be charged with terrorism for doing that.

But you know what?

I am tired of using paper towels.

My tush can't tolerate it.

I've seen all the videos of musicians around the world performing from their balconies for their neighborhoods.

And it inspires me!

♪ Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred mi-- ♪

(sings in high pitch) ♪ SIX HUNDRED MINUTES! ♪

(dogs barking) Man in distance: Shut up!

In the past, when the world has been faced with trials and tribulations, the younger generation always steps up and comes together to create groundbreaking works of art.

And now, my generation has come together to create groundbreaking memes on Instagram.

(out of breath) Who would have thought that to break my 5K personal record...

all it would take...

is running by myself...

and not with a group of people...

and talking the whole time?

Gas is cheaper than ever, the streets are empty, and people aren't even allowed to approach me.

Am I dreaming?

Timmy, you absolute clown!

I...

(groans angrily)

It's just not the same when I can't yell straight to your dumb face.

I'm losing my edge here!

Why, yes, I did make this mask myself.

Thank you for noticing.

But please, admire it from afar.

I'm not trying to be rude, that's just the rules, I'm sorry.

Mr. Whiskers, are you irritated or something that I'm home all the time now?

(cat meows)

Well, I'm sorry.

I don't have anywhere else to go, now do I?

It's time for me to face the fact that going to the laundromat is, in fact, essential.

Ooh, I haven't seen this shirt since January!

At 0700 hours we go through the door, pass the produce, and make a full frontal assault on the dairy section.

From there, in a pincer formation, we attack the meat section.

And, if any of us are left, at that point we will flank the toilet paper aisle.

Yo, what up, everyone?

Welcome to Club Living Room.

I'm your DJ tonight.

Let's get pumpin', huh?

(upbeat dance music)

(music stops)

(sad piano music)

I wouldn't say that I'm "spiraling" into anxiety and neuroticism.

This is just my natural mode of being.

You merely adopted the neuroticism.

I was born into it, molded by it.

You know, I don't even think I know how a normal brain is supposed to function any more.

If you wanna own some of these cool designs to wear on your own body, the link is in the description.

You can be repping your favorite YouTube channel, which is this one.

To watch a TV show about a guy named Joe Exotic, who had a zoo in Oklahoma.

Who could have guessed that?

And I don't even know what my next line is.

(upbeat happy music)

(laughs)

What was I even doing?

If I'm dreaming, I don't wanna wake up.