for you having to hire someone new.

So just let me know what I can do for you

to make this as smooth as possible.

Uh, your job posting was a little bit unclear

so I went ahead, I rewrote it,

made it a little more streamlined.

So, statistically,

this should bring in much more highly-qualified candidates.

- [Interviewer] What's a time you've had

a disagreement at work?

- I find that disagreements, they're generally improper.

And as long as everyone feels good, and is happy

and is getting along, management can do as they see fit.

- [Interviewer] Uh, what are you... ?

- Oh, sorry, I was just sketching your portrait.

You can keep that.

Also, I was wondering,

do you have a kombucha bar for employees?

- [Interviewer] Can you handle

a fast-paced working environment?

- The speed at which you're asking me these questions,

makes me question how fast-paced it truly is.

- [Interviewer] Where do you see yourself in five years?

- CEO of a company that will buy your company

and increase profits a hundred-fold.

- [Interviewer] What's this?

- It's a poem I wrote about how I feel

about this job interview.

It's called Locking my Own Cage from the Inside.

- [Interviewer] Okay.

- It's actually pretty good.

- [Interviewer] I see there's a gap in your employment.

Why was that?

- Uh (chuckling) yeah, gap in my resume,

just like the gap in your teeth, am I right?

I'm just playing around, just kidding.

The gaps in my resume.

I am sorry, I am just mesmerized by your teeth, right now.

- [Interviewer] What would you say are your strengths?

- Is my resume not detailed enough?

Do I need to spell it out for you?

Here, gimme that.

(paper shuffling)

Let me just read it to you,

since apparently, it's not clear enough.

Okay, you're hired.

- [Interviewer] We're interviewing you.

- Oh, sorry, what was this job for again?

- [Interviewer] Payroll accountant.

- (chuckling) What the (beep) was I thinking?

- [Interviewer] Why should we hire you?

- That's kind of a dumb question.

- [Interviewer] If we give you the job,

how much money will you make us?

- Well that depends on what you mean by money.

It isn't obvious to me

that we're talking about the same thing.

- [Interviewer] What are your weaknesses?

- Uh, none.

- [Interviewer] Tell me a little about yourself.

- Just tell me who you want me to be

and I'll be that.

- [Interviewer] Do you have any questions for us?

- Hey, forget the questions, I brought brownies.

Let's just dig in.

(uplifting music)

It's a poem about about how I feel.

Oh, you can't look at the camera.

Okay, you're hired.

(sighing)

What the frick was I thinking?