there was really only one book

真的就只有一本書，

about how to raise your children,

是有關如何扶養孩子，

and it was written by Dr. Spock.

那是史巴克博士寫的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Thank you for indulging me.

謝謝你們這麼配合我！

I have always wanted to do that.

我一直以來都想這麼做的。

No, it was Benjamin Spock,

不是啦，是班傑明．史巴克！

and his book was called "The Common Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."

他的書叫做「嬰幼兒保健常識書」，

It sold almost 50 million copies by the time he died.

直到他死掉為止 那賣了快 5,000 萬本。

Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old,

今天我身為一個 6 歲小孩的母親，

walk into Barnes and Noble,

走進「邦諾書店」，

and see this.

看到了這些！

And it is amazing

讓人驚嘆的是

the variety that one finds on those shelves.

可從這些書架上 找到種類這麼豐富的書。

There are guides to raising an eco-friendly kid,

有指導如何撫養不損害環境的小孩、

a gluten-free kid,

無麩質飲食養育法、

a disease-proof kid,

怎麼養出不生病的小孩等等，

which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy.

我個人是覺得 不生病的小孩有點嚇人。

There are guides to raising a bilingual kid

還有如何扶養會講雙語的小孩，

even if you only speak one language at home.

即使家裡只有單語環境。

There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid

還有怎麼教出財務小神童、

and a science-minded kid

有科學頭腦的小孩、

and a kid who is a whiz at yoga.

小孩是瑜珈高手的書。

Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse

除了教小孩

a nuclear bomb,

拆解原子彈的指導書以外，

there is pretty much a guide to everything.

基本上每一件事都有指南可以參考。

All of these books are well-intentioned.

所有這些書都是好意的，

I am sure that many of them are great.

我相信大多數是很棒的，

But taken together, I am sorry,

但擺在一起時，我就很抱歉了，

I do not see help

因為我找不到有用的，

when I look at that shelf.

就當我看著那個書架，

I see anxiety.

我看到了不安、

I see a giant candy-colored monument

我看到了糖果顏色般繽紛的巨大名勝，

to our collective panic,

對應於我們集結出的恐慌。

and it makes me want to know,

這讓我想要知道：

why is it that raising our children

「為什麼撫育孩子

is associated with so much anguish

是這麼痛苦，

and so much confusion?

以及這麼多困惑？」

Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens

為什麼我們會是七上八下的？

about the one thing human beings

這件事我們人類

have been doing successfully for millennia,

已經成功做了上千年，

long before parenting message boards

且早在「育兒訊息留言板」、

and peer-reviewed studies came along?

還有「同儕檢討學習」的出現以前。

Why is it that so many mothers and fathers

為什麼這麼多父母們

experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?

體認當父母就像一場災難？

Crisis might seem like a strong word,

「災難」看起來像是一個激烈的字詞，

but there is data suggesting it probably isn't.

但是有資料指出用「災難」不會激烈。

There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name,

實際上曾經有論文就是用這來命名──

"Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957,

1957 年發表的「當父母就像場災難」。

and in the 50-plus years since,

而且從那之後的 50 多年裡，

there has been plenty of scholarship

有很多的學術研究

documenting a pretty clear pattern

記載父母苦悶

of parental anguish.

的一個非常清楚的圖像。

Parents experience more stress than non-parents.

父母們比非父母者 承受更多壓力，

Their marital satisfaction is lower.

他們對婚姻的滿足感較低。

There have been a number of studies

有很多的研究

looking at how parents feel

探討父母親們

when they are spending time with their kids,

花時間陪小孩時的感受是怎樣的。

and the answer often is, not so great.

答案經常不是太棒的。

Last year, I spoke with a researcher

去年我跟一位研究者 馬修．奇林史渥茲聊過，

named Matthew Killingsworth

他正在做一個非常獨創的研究專案，

who is doing a very, very imaginative project

要追蹤紀錄人們的快樂。

that tracks people's happiness,

他告訴我，他發現：

and here is what he told me he found:

「與你的朋友們互動

"Interacting with your friends

比與你的配偶互動更快樂，

is better than interacting with your spouse,

前者又比與親戚們互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with other relatives,

前者又比與點頭之交們互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with acquaintances,

前者又比與父母親互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with parents,

前者又比與小孩們互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with children.

小孩們就跟陌生人沒兩樣。」

Who are on par with strangers."

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

不過重點來了，

But here's the thing.

三年來我一直在探討

I have been looking at what underlies these data

構成這些資料的東西，

for three years,

小孩子並不是問題，

and children are not the problem.

當下有關當父母的一些事情

Something about parenting right now at this moment

才是問題。

is the problem.

特別是我不認為我們懂

Specifically, I don't think we know

當父母應該是怎樣一回事，

what parenting is supposed to be.

「當父母」做為一個動詞，

Parent, as a verb,

到 1970 年之後才普遍使用，

only entered common usage in 1970.

我們身為父母親的角色已經變了，

Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed.

我們小孩子的角色也已經改變了，

The roles of our children have changed.

現在我們大家拼命地即興演出

We are all now furiously improvising

度過一種狀況，

our way through a situation

那就是沒有劇本的狀況。

for which there is no script,

假如你是一個非常傑出的爵士樂手，

and if you're an amazing jazz musician,

那麼即興演出是很棒的，

then improv is great,

不過對我們其他人來說，

but for the rest of us,

這有種像是一場災難的感覺。

it can kind of feel like a crisis.

那麼我們怎麼會變成這樣呢？

So how did we get here?

我們大家現在是如何

How is it that we are all now navigating

在一個養育小孩的世界中， 找出我們的方向？

a child-rearing universe

而沒有任何準則可以指引我們。

without any norms to guide us?

好！首先，

Well, for starters, there has been

發生過一個重大的歷史性改變，

a major historical change.

直到不久前，

Until fairly recently,

孩子們以前是要工作的， 主要是在我們的農場裡，

kids worked, on our farms primarily,

但是也有小孩在工廠、磨坊、 還有礦場等地工作，

but also in factories, mills, mines.

孩子們被認為是經濟上的資產，

Kids were considered economic assets.

在「進步時期」的某個時點， （美國 1890-1920 政治及社會改革階段）

Sometime during the Progressive Era,

我們禁止了這樣的做法，

we put an end to this arrangement.

我們承認孩子們有權力，

We recognized kids had rights,

我們禁止使用童工、

we banned child labor,

我們用教育來取代工作，

we focused on education instead,

學校成為孩子們的新工作，

and school became a child's new work.

感謝上帝這做到了！

And thank God it did.

不過那只有讓父母親的角色

But that only made a parent's role

更令人難懂。

more confusing in a way.

舊的做法可能不是高道德的，

The old arrangement might not have been

不過卻是互惠的。

particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal.

我們供應孩子食物、衣服、居所、

We provided food, clothing, shelter,

還有品性教導，

and moral instruction to our kids,

他們提供收入來償還。

and they in return provided income.

一旦孩童們停止工作，

Once kids stopped working,

養育小孩的經濟性就改變了。

the economics of parenting changed.

孩童們變成了，

Kids became, in the words of one

以一個聰明、或許可說是無情的 社會學家的話來說：

brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist,

「經濟上毫無價值， 但是情感上是無價的！」

"economically worthless but emotionally priceless."

不再是他們為我們工作，

Rather than them working for us,

反而是我們開始為他們工作。

we began to work for them,

因為在幾十年下來，

because within only a matter of decades

這變得很清楚－－

it became clear:

「如果我們想要自己的孩子成功，

if we wanted our kids to succeed,

只有學校是不夠的。」

school was not enough.

今天，課外活動是小孩們的新工作，

Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work,

不過那也是我們的工作，

but that's work for us too,

因為我們就是 載他們去踢足球的人。

because we are the ones driving them to soccer practice.

成堆的家庭作業是孩子們的新工作，

Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work,

不過那也是給我們的工作，

but that's also work for us,

因為我們必須檢查它。

because we have to check it.

大約在三年前，一位德州的女士

About three years ago, a Texas woman

跟我說過一些話，

told something to me

那徹底地讓我心痛，

that totally broke my heart.

她用一種稀鬆平常的語氣說，

She said, almost casually,

「家庭作業是新的晚餐。」

"Homework is the new dinner."

現在中產階級們 投注他們所有的時間、

The middle class now pours all of its time

精力以及資源給他們的小孩，

and energy and resources into its kids,

儘管中產階級者們

even though the middle class

已經越來越少有那些東西能給了。

has less and less of those things to give.

現在媽媽們花較多的時間陪小孩，

Mothers now spend more time with their children

比起在 1965 年時所花的更多，

than they did in 1965,

那時後大部分的婦女根本也不用工作。

when most women were not even in the workforce.

讓父母親們去做好他們的新角色 可能會比較簡單，

It would probably be easier for parents

要是他們知道為小孩們 做的準備是為了什麼。

to do their new roles

這就是另外一件

if they knew what they were preparing their kids for.

讓現代當父母這麼令人困惑的事。

This is yet another thing that makes modern parenting

我們完全不曉得 我們哪一部分的智慧

so very confounding.

對小孩來說是有用的。

We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any,

這世界如此迅速地改變，

is of use to our kids.

一切都很難說。

The world is changing so rapidly,

這是真的，即使當我還年輕的時候，

it's impossible to say.

當我是小孩子時， 明確地說是在高中時，

This was true even when I was young.

我被告知

When I was a kid, high school specifically,

我會困在新的世界經濟大海中，

I was told that I would be at sea

除非我懂日文。

in the new global economy

無意冒犯日本人，

if I did not know Japanese.

但結果並不是這樣的。

And with all due respect to the Japanese,

現在有一類中產階級的父母，

it didn't turn out that way.

堅持要他們的小孩學中文，

Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent

也許他們是照著趨勢，

that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin,

但是我們沒有人能百分百確定。

and maybe they're onto something,

因為沒有能力能預測未來，

but we cannot know for sure.

身為好爸媽的我們都在做的事，

So, absent being able to anticipate the future,

是盡力為我們的小孩準備好

what we all do, as good parents,

應付每一種可能的未來，

is try and prepare our kids

希望我們多項的付出中， 只要一項能夠成功就好。

for every possible kind of future,

我們教我們的小孩下棋，

hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off.

想說他們有可能會用到分析的技能、

We teach our kids chess,

我們幫他們報名了團隊運動，

thinking maybe they will need analytical skills.

想說他們有可能會要用到 與人合作的能力，

We sign them up for team sports,

或許有天他們念哈佛商學院時 會派上用場，

thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills,

我們試圖教導他們 成為財務上很精明的、

you know, for when they go to Harvard Business School.

有科學的頭腦、不損害環境的、

We try and teach them to be financially savvy

不吃麥麩的。

and science-minded and eco-friendly

現在很可能就是一個 好的時間點來告訴你們，

and gluten-free,

我小時候既不是不損害環境的、 也不是不吃麥麩的小孩，

though now is probably a good time to tell you

我吃過好幾罐的牛肉通心粉。

that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child.

而且你們知道嗎？ 我這麼做也沒事。

I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef.

我繳稅 、

And you know what? I'm doing okay.

我有一份穩定的工作 、

I pay my taxes.

我甚至還被邀請來了 TED演說 !

I hold down a steady job.

不過現在的假定是，

I was even invited to speak at TED.

以前對我或周邊朋友來說是足夠的，

But the presumption now is that

現在不再是夠好的了。

what was good enough for me, or for my folks for that matter,

所以我們全都瘋狂飛奔到書架前，

isn't good enough anymore.

因為我們覺得如果 沒有試遍每一件事，

So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf,

那會像是我們什麼事都沒做，

because we feel like if we aren't trying everything,

好像我們沒盡到教養小孩的責任。

it's as if we're doing nothing

所以真的很難去找出我們 新角色的方向－

and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.

身為母親還有父親。

So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles

現在還更增加了其他問題，

as mothers and fathers.

我們也正在找新角色的方向－

Now add to this problem something else:

身為丈夫還有妻子。

we are also navigating new roles

因為現今大部分的女人都在職場上，

as husbands and wives

我認為這是另一個原因，

because most women today are in the workforce.

讓當父母親感覺像是一場災難，

This is another reason, I think,

我們沒有規章、沒有劇本、 沒有準則，

that parenthood feels like a crisis.

適用於當小孩子出生後 要做什麼事。

We have no rules, no scripts, no norms

現在爸爸跟媽媽都是賺錢養家的人。

for what to do when a child comes along

作家麥可．路易斯 曾經把這寫得

now that both mom and dad are breadwinners.

非常非常棒，

The writer Michael Lewis once put this

他說讓一對夫妻開始吵架， 最簡單的方法

very, very well.

就是讓他們與另一對夫妻 去外面吃晚餐。

He said that the surest way

而對方的勞動領域

for a couple to start fighting

與他們並沒有太大差異。

is for them to go out to dinner with another couple

因為在回家路上，車子裡的對話

whose division of labor

大概就像這樣：

is ever so slightly different from theirs,

「所以，

because the conversation in the car on the way home

你有沒有聽到戴夫 是每天陪小孩走路上學的人？」

goes something like this:

（笑聲）

"So, did you catch that Dave is the one

少了劇本告訴我們誰該做什麼事，

who walks them to school every morning?"

在這個新世界裡，夫妻們會吵架，

(Laughter)

而且媽媽們跟爸爸們

Without scripts telling us who does what

都有他們正當的怨言。

in this brave new world, couples fight,

媽媽們非常可能

and both mothers and fathers each have

在家的時候 要同時處理多項事情。

their legitimate gripes.

當爸爸們在家時，

Mothers are much more likely

非常可能只做單一事情。

to be multi-tasking when they are at home,

任你找一個在家的男人，

and fathers, when they are at home,

他是一次只做一件事情的機率很大。

are much more likely to be mono-tasking.

實際上洛杉磯加州大學 最近剛做過一項調查，

Find a guy at home, and odds are

觀察最普遍的

he is doing just one thing at a time.

在中產階級家中的家庭成員分佈位置，

In fact, UCLA recently did a study

你猜怎麼著，

looking at the most common configuration

老爸自己一個人在車庫裡 ！

of family members in middle-class homes.

根據「美國人時間使用調查」，

Guess what it was?

母親們仍然做著 多父親們兩倍的孩童照護工作，

Dad in a room by himself.

那比起在爾瑪‧邦貝克那年代好多了， （美國專欄幽默作家1960-90）

According to the American Time Use Survey,

不過我仍然認為她曾寫過的一些東西

mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers,

是極其適宜的：

which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day,

「從十月以後我不再有自己 單獨在浴室的時間。」

but I still think that something she wrote

（笑聲）

is highly relevant:

但其實男人們現在做很多事情了，

"I have not been alone in the bathroom since October."

他們花了更多的時間陪小孩，

(Laughter)

比起他們父親當初陪伴他們的還多，

But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty.

他們的平均工時 比另一半還要多，

They spend more time with their kids

而且他們真心地想要做個 盡心的好父親。

than their fathers ever spent with them.

今天是父親而不是母親，

They work more paid hours, on average,

據說是最有工作與生活衝突的。

than their wives,

順帶一提另一個想法，

and they genuinely want to be good,

如果你認為讓傳統家庭

involved dads.

應付這些新角色是困難的，

Today, it is fathers, not mothers,

就想像一下對非傳統家庭來說

who report the most work-life conflict.

是什麼樣的情況－－

Either way, by the way,

有兩個父親的家庭、 有兩個母親的家庭、

if you think it's hard for traditional families

單親家庭，

to sort out these new roles,

當他們前進時真的是即興演出。

just imagine what it's like now

如今身在一個比較進步的國家，

for non-traditional families:

原諒我老調重彈，

families with two dads, families with two moms,

還得借助瑞典為例：

single-parent households.

「沒錯，父母親們可以依靠國家

They are truly improvising as they go.

給予協助。」

Now, in a more progressive country,

有好多國家都清楚明白