Okay, so I've been sick for a couple days.

I'm still sick.

Let's see what has happened while I was gone.

[reads on-screen] "U need to see jake paul's music video, he dissed u"

[Continues to read tweets aloud] Jake Paul dissed you~!

"Holy sh!t Jake Paul roasting Pewdiepie"

"Thats soooo lit (emojis)"

[PewDiePie Screams]

"U better watch out, team 10 is coming for you~ (emoji)"

PewDiePie: NOO!

[shaky breathing]

Not JP, not JP.

How bad is it?

HOW?

What did he say?

WHAT DID HE SAY IN HIS VIDEO?

JP: "5 Mil on YouTube in six months

Never done before

Passed all the competition, man, PewDiePie is next!"

PewDiePie: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[lightly hits wall]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AGHHHH, this makes me so angry!

I'm still sick, calm down Felix, ah that son of a bich. (Christia

I bet he's the one that poisoned me.

Oh, I bet it was JP all along.

That sleek son of a bich!

[grunts]

We haven't watched this whole thing yet!

We have to see the whole thing.

First of all who the f*ck is JP?

Who the f*ck Is Jake Paul?

I don't know.

I ha- he has fun, okay.

He eats food.

He's Dirk from Disney Channel!

Okay so he's a Disney Channel...

One of these Disney Channel actors, that's cool.

Can't be that bad.

Let's listen.

JP: Ya.

PewDiePie: Always appreciate a good "ya" at the beginning of a song, uh, for no reason.

[chuckles]

I'm going to- going to try not to pause every- every millisecond of this song, but...

JP: Ya.

PewDiePie: That is a good "ya." We have to appreciate that-

[stuttering] that's- that's a good-- that's a good "ya."

[music plays again]

[indistinguishable audio watermark]

PewDiePie: Is it the watermark? They didn't buy that loop?

PewDiePie: Like, you play some rap music right, that's free...

[different track]

[audio watermark]: "AudioJungle"

See? AudioJungle.

What the f*ck is it?

[indistinguishable audio watermark]

[Laughing]

[AUDIOJUNGLE]

PewDiePie: I'm glad, I'm glad we got the whole Disney Channel thing out of the way from the first fucking line.

[Laughing]

"Hey guys, in case you don't know,

"I'm on Disney Channel.

"How can I say that in a way that make sense--

"Uh, everyday bro, Disney Channel

FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!"

PewDiePie: He's saying... that I'm not his competition because he said he

passed all his competition which basically puts me-

Where does that put me, actually?

PewDiePie: I'm really confused. J-- JP, you're gonna have to

[Stuttering] re- re- re- re-it- iter- re-eter- itter -itur- ate?

REITERATE

it- [shakes hands aroound]

F*ck, I got the shakes again.

Goddamnit!

J.P. You son of a b*tch!

How DARE YOU?!

How DARE you use my name in the video!

HOW DARE YOU?!?

PewDiePie: That- it may sound here like that

his flow is all off, hey, it may s-

it may sound completely terrible. But really here, what

JP is doing is a new form of rapping, it's meant to sound like shit.

PewDiePie: [tries to wrap like JP]

"Yeah I'm talking about you, you begging

for attention, is this how you rap, you just say a bunch of words, and this

sounds totally wack, and, uh-- I swear I'm not on crack and I-- I just like to smack that

booty back, yeah and I'm talking about you."

PewDiePie: It's absolutely incredible,

this sort of rapping takes incredible skills; it takes intellect, it takes

talent, it takes years of grinding, years of training, years of preparation, it

takes talking sh!t on Twitter, it takes all kinds of sh- it takes so much shit-

[Pause]

and- and- and- Jake Paul will know because he eats food.

PewDiePie: I don't understand what the f*ck is happening here, is he talking about his ex or some

sh*t like that? Please- please let that- okay, I mean, it's-

it's genius! That's what it is, it's really-- did he make this just for this, is this

why I'm reacting to this? Because he argues with his girlfriend?

[Chuckles]

PewDiePie: Damn, damn, he goes-- J-- if JP breaks up

with you, he goes hard- "And all the recordings too!" It is-- that is lyrical--

mind blast. There's meaning behind every syllable, every line...

(Short pause)

...Every facial expression tells an incredible story!

PewDiePie: [Chuckle] "Oh, and by the way I just

dropped some new merch!!!"

[Sad pause]

Oh, he b*tches about his girlfriend for like-- for a couple

lines and then, "Oh, by the way, got new merch, it's selling like a 'god Church.'"

PewDiePie: What is a god Church?

Uhhhhh, it's the church with the God in it, what do you think?

Oh, what are you stupid? A "god Church," you never heard one of those?

It's selling like a "god Church."

I love how they clearly got stuck here.

"Hey, hey, okay, alright we got-- I dropped some new merch,

how it's selling like a-- what rhymes with merch?

Uhhhh, church, it's selling like a CHURCH!!"

PewDiePie: Legit like I wish that illness killed me now, I- I'm not

joking at all, I want to die, I want to I want to be dead now, I don't want to--

I don't want to, no, no-- I don't want it anymore.

PewDiePie: Did he get a tattoo of a d*ck on his leg?

PewDiePie: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS THAT?!

*small pause*

WHAT IS--?!

W H A T I S T H A T ? !

???? ?? ???? ??????!!

PewDiePie: ..He's absolutely perfect

I've never seen a more beautiful man in my entire life.~

ENGLAND IS MY CITY! (???)

[About to enter a fit of laugher]

PewDiePie: Nooooo.....oooo

England...

ENGLAND

[Moan]

Ohhhhh! England is your city...

O H N O

Oh no- oh-- you're retarded.

[groan] Ughhhhhhh!

Err-- my cit- ci- city is the whole planet--

ｅｎｇｌａｎｄ ｉｓ ｍｙ ｃｉｔｙ

PewDiePie: I like how he, uh, he's so fat that he straight-up

destroyed this jacket. Like, look how it's hanging by literally its last thread.

PewDiePie: Okay, she's gonna educate us.

PewDiePie: Well, anyone that talks like that-

I don't want

Them to educate me

[Laughs]

PewDiePie: "Let me educate ya

and we ain't talking

????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I love most of all about JP is that-- is besides

all his success, he remains humble.

Jake Paul: Yes they all copy me, but that's some shitty clones

PewDiePie: *burps* I think this song has killed me. (me too.)

I wanna die more than I've ever died before. Someone

please-

DON'T call an ambulance

Let me just-

-Never return. This is it guys,

I'm- I- it's been great, it's been great.

Let's see what some other people thought about JP's wonderful song--

[Random British boy #1] I like how the lyrics are on screen, man.

PewDiePie: oh, ah-oh tha-that's always a plus in a rap song.

[Random British boy #2] The lyrics just match like....

PewDiePie: The what?

[#2] The lyrics just match like... [Then his brain stopped]

PewDiePie: The lyrics just match WHAT? You can't just say that

and then say nothing, please say something else!

"You are retard"

PewDiePie: I think we all can draw some inspiration from that.

Now excuse me while I'm going to kill myself-- ah [YA]

[crappy 'Why Can't We Be Friends' instrumental]

[Keemstar sighs]