Carmen saunters out and seduces about 30 soldiers with one pout? She sings, "Love is a gypsy

child, a gypsy child that knows no law". All the poets and philosophers down the ages would

agree and sing the chorus right along with her. After all, everybody knows that romantic

loves mysterious, irrational, fleeting. Something we just fall into, and then fall out of. But

this leaves us with a big problem. We now depend on romantic partners more and more

for the support and social connection we need. Most of us don't live in villages any more.

If we are lucky, we live in a community of two. More and more of us complain of chronic

loneliness, and for the first time in human history the basic unit of society, the family,

is founded almost solely on feelings of love and affection. Building these precious indispensable

relationships on a shadow - a mystery that is so out of our control - seems just a little

risky! Maybe this is why -- in my part of the world -- the biggest question on Google

last year was -- What is love and also -- How do you Do it ? But its okay --

In fact, Bizet and his lawless version of love is out of date! We now know that love

makes sense and we can not only make sense of it - we can shape it. This is a breakthro

-- a big idea -- a paradigm shift -- a revolution. Well, how did this happen? Beginning in the

1990's social scientists began systematically observing couples doing what all couples do

- fighting, making up, saying goodbye, asking for caring or facing scary situations together.

Researchers like myself have been busy coding the expressions on partner's faces, pinpointing

the exact responses that shift a relationship from despair to delight, putting partners

in brain scanners, and measuring their hormones. Science has at last focused on the dramas

that make up our everyday emotional lives -- pinpointing, for example, why hurt feelings

preoccupy us and what makes for an effective apology. In my lab, we have successfully studied

how to help couples not just increase their relationship satisfaction but create the loving

responsiveness that truly repairs their emotional bond. Well -- hold on -- we can maybe improve

communication skills in therapy but actually Creating "Love" and trust in therapy sessions?

Can we really do this? Twenty years of research says we can -- but only if we know how to

make SENSE of love -- only if we grasp the Laws of love. Lets just look at 4 of them

-- each one is supported by many research studies.

In essence, romantic love is a grown up version of the emotional bond between mother and child,

with the same mega-watt emotions, driving longing for physical and emotional closeness,

need for safe haven connection that lessens fear and stress, - the same emotional turmoil

at the threat of loss and separation, and the same three strategies and moves for dealing

with our need to be close. Let's be clear -- this bond -- with parents and then with

lovers is no small matter -- it is an ancient survival code wired into our brains when we

were born, small and helpless. If we call and no-one comes this is terrifying. We know

that isolation, being cut off from the care of others, is the ultimate danger signal -- it

can render us helpless -- it can kill. A study by House finds that emotional isolation is

more dangerous for your health than smoking or lack of exercise! And you are 3 times more

likely to have a stroke or heart attack if you have to face the world alone. We are recognizing

that we are born to connect - it is our deepest instinct -- more powerful than sex or aggression.

What is the first law of love? It is that it is a survival code and regulates our sense

of safety or danger. The template for the way we love is the bond with our first caregiver.

As an adult, this bond is different in that we don't need our lovers physically present

all the time -- we can turn to them in our minds and use them as safety cues to calm

us. When I fly, as the plane takes off, I listen to my husband's loving voice in my

head and my heart stabilizes even though we are climbing to 39,000 feet. If you want to

think of this in terms of a drug, thinking of my husband likely turns on a bonding hormone

called oxytocin in my brain and this turns off fear! That's clever!

Law No 2 - Not that long ago the belief was that mothers should not hold children because

it made them into dependent wimps. In fact, we now know it makes them Stronger -- more

confidant. But many of us still believe that we should not "need' our partners, that it

is a weakness to DEPEND on others. Law No 2 says that our need for others to be available

and respond to us like we matter is wired into our mammalian brain (so if you are a

lizard listening to this - this talk is not for you!) Our ability to reach for others

and use them as a resource -- to calm us -- to comfort and support us -- is a Strength. In

fact it is the great strength of our species! - The strongest and most resilient of us know

how to turn to others as a resource. After 9/11 the folks who lived around the towers

who could turn to others recovered just fine -- not so those who tried to deal with that

trauma alone. Widows who know they were loved recover best from the loss of their partner.

Love makes us stronger. Law no 2 -- We are better -- loving and being loved makes you

stronger. Law 3 -- Tells us what the essence of a "Good'

love relationship is. It is where the answer to the question, "Are you there for me emotionally?"

is "YES -You can count on me to respond". Master lovers know how to reach for each other,

pull each other close and repair moments of disconnection or hurt. A love relationship

is a constant dance of mutual tuning in, moments of meeting, miscues and misses, failures and

hurts, repair and then a fall into loving connection again. Master lovers create a safe

haven for each other, they literally bring each other's heart rate down and reduce each

other's stress hormones. We watch couples in our lab repair their relationship after

years of distress. They have a Hold Me Tight conversation where each partner can share

vulnerabilities and needs in a way that helps the other come close and respond. Emotional

responsiveness is the key to secure bonding. Over nine studies, these conversations transformed

relationships and predicted successful relationship repair after therapy and years later. Partners

who have this safe emotional connection have better sex by the way -- its emotional safety

not constant novelty that is the key to great sex! When you are safe, you can play!

So law no 3 is emotional attunement and responsiveness is the key to safe haven bonding. Both partners

can reach and respond. Law 4 --The dance of love is really not that

complicated, there are really only three predictable key moves. Whether you are 5 or 55, when you

feel disconnected the natural tendency is to will try to reach for your loved one. Especially

if you have had this work for you in the past. Sometimes these reaches are a little shy and

a little sly. As in "If you're not busy you could help me make the coffee".

If the reconnection doesn't happen, we have two other strategies to deal with our longings

and our fears. You will protest to get a response, you might get angry or demanding, as in, " You

never help me make the coffee.". If connection has been a place of constant disappointment

for you, the only solution is to shut down and numb out your feelings, as in "I am going

out for coffee- see you later". We tell distressed couples, the normal dance of disconnection

is where one is pushing for a response but in an angry way that freaks out the other,

while the other feels helpless and steps back to avoid hurt. The same emotional music of

abandonment and rejection is playing for both. Connection is so critical to our survival

that criticism from our lover is coded in the same way and the same place in the brain

as physical pain -- both are danger signals. Chronic conflict in relationships is all about

loneliness and disconnection that partners do not know how to bridge. The couples I just

described are not really fighting about coffee! Once couples get that both of them are alone

and afraid, they can comfort each other in the storm and find their way home.

Law no 4 -- The moves that make up the dance of bonding are reaching and responding, pushing

and demanding or turning away to numb hurt and longing.

So, we know what love is, we know why it matters, what it does for us, and what responses make

or break our love relationships. This quiet revolution, has all happened in the last 20

years. But can love last? The evidence is that if you know how to do it, it can. Brain

scans tell us that some long time lover's brains respond in the same way with the same

excitement as those of new lovers to pictures of their beloved. If you can reach out and

hold onto each other as you face life's dragons together, every dragon you face makes the

bond of trust and love between you stronger. We can have the loving lasting relationships

we all long for. But only if we learn Love Sense.

We have solved the "mystery' called love, and we can learn to shape it. This is the

doorway into greater happiness, better mental and physical health, more secure, resilient

and confident adults and more loving partnerships and families.

Let's use science to make more and more of our lives start like this and move towards

this.