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(Cue: Battle- Jim Johnston)

Wiz: The Mushroom Kingdom is a world that houses many strange & interesting creatures.

Like the Goomba, a walking brown mushroom with fangs...

Boomstick: And the Koopa, that stupid turtle who always gets himself killed.

W: Every video game has it's share of basic, endless common enemies.

And you can't get any more common than these two.

BS: But which one is the best and the worst?

He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

W: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor & skills...

...to find out who would win a Death Battle.

W: The Goomba used to be steadfast allies of the Mushroom Kingdom.

After years of oppression due to their low intelligence and short stature...

...they betrayed their own mushroom brethren and became the backbone of Bowser's vast army.

BS: The Goomba's main combat strategy is just to walk directly into it's opponent.

While it isn't the smartest thing to do, it takes some real spores if ya know what I'm sayin'. (No, I don't)

Also, Goombas also happen to have these vampire fangs...

...but they don't ever seem to use them and thinkin' about it, why does a mushroom even have a mouth?!

W: When it's available, the Goomba will use the green Goomba's Shoe to get to jump on it's foes.

Easily able to hop over 12 feet in the air.

Goombas can also spourt wings becoming Paragoombas, capable of barely sustained flight.

BS: And when it flies, the mushroom thing can bomb victims below with Microgoombas. (WTF)

You know you're a badass when you can drop babies as weapons!

W: The traditional Goomba may seem a useless pawn but these troopers have been known to accomplish the impossible...

BS: Wait, is that Goomba playing baseball?

With no hands?

Oh my god, it has telepathy powers!

Wiz: Telekinesis? No, it doesn't.

But then, how does it hold it...?!

W: Goombas are unwavering brave! Never backing down from a fight, always ferociously charging into battle without hesitation.

Though sometimes, their stubborn courage can backfire.

B: Yeah, you think you can stop walking from impending death that's directly in front of you?

W: After dissecting a voluntary Goomba myself, I discovered it's brain to be less than half the size of a acorn.

Proving what we always known.

B: Goombas are f*ckin morons!

Wiz: Bowser's second most common footsoilder is the Koopa Troopa. The Turtle Warrior.

B: Like Ninja Turtles?

No. Not Ninja Turtles.

Awww...

W: While the Goombas are the backbone, the Koopas are prevelent enough to have Bowser's army named: "The Koopa Troop".

B: Koopas have their own set of Paratroopa wings that can fly for several minutes with no problem.

W: Koopas are also fairly skilled in tennis, baseball, basketball & go-kart drving.

Are you sure it's not a ninja turtle?

W: Their best offense is also their finest defense!

The Koopa shell, made of a tough steel-like substance, capable of taking over 200 pounds of pressure!

B: As an offensive weapon, the Koopa shell can destroy almost anything!

It's a living torpedo of pain!

W: There's seem to be a common misconception that it takes Mario 2 hits to kill a Koopa.

Actually, it only takes one. There's just happens to be this durable shell in the way.

However, this leads to the Koopa's greatest weakness.

When Mario jumps on a Koopa's back, rather than retaliating, it retreats back into it's shell.

Why?

BS: Because they're a bunch of pussies!

W: That's right, Boomstick! The Koopas are cowards, afraid to face a dangerous foe.

Some run from danger but others will just hide in their thick shells.

B: Then again, if I ever carried an implementable fortress on my back and some large Italian man was trying to murder me...

...I'd probably hide in it too.

W: But you think as soon as Mario picks up the shell, it would be the perfect time to counterattack, right?

And even when they're flying after a good kick, they refuse to stick their feet out and stop themselves.

B: Buhh... yeah, ah yeah, you're right, they're bitches!

Alright, the combatants are set!

Let's end this debate, once and for all!

But first, I need to find some combat research books from audible.com...

Wiz: audible.com is the leading provider of downloadable digital audiobooks and spoken word entertaiment.

With over 75 thousand titles to choose from, you can find anything you want!

I recommend the Cambridge Selection by Stephan Hawking.

B: Isn't that the smart guy who half robot?

Yes.

Audiobooks can be downloaded and playbacked anytime, anywhere.

Choose from books of every genre imaginable.

B: Science fiction, drama, business, even books about weapons!

Go to audiblepodcast.com/deathbattle for a free audiobook download of your choice when you sign up today!

Again, go to audiblepodcast.com/deathbattle for your free audiobook.

But now, it's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....

*Delightful music*

MK Announcer: FIGHT!!

Double K.O!!

B: Hah, ohh, man! I thought this was gonna SUCK!!

That was awesome! Who knew those little f*ckers can fight like that?

W: The Goomba's arsenal proved effective enough but it's own stupidity became it's downfall.

B: Then the Koopa wussed out, kept to the safety of it's shell, not stopping in time to avoid the giant pool of LAVA DEATH!!

W: Even the Koopa's tough shell can't protect it from fire.

B: You might say this battle really heated up in the end!

Wiz: This battle is a draw.

Next time on Death Battle...

Got a idea for a Death Battle?

Leave a comment below for us to pick up, who knows?

Maybe even you, then.