Starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Statham, Rose Byrne, and Jude Law.

(BOOMSTICK) It's coming to theaters June 5. And if you enjoy this episode, then you should definitely go check it out. Maybe I'll see you there!

(WIZ) They are the government's best-kept secrets:

masters of stealth trained to kill in a hundred different ways from the shadows or face-to-face.

(BOOMSTICK) Solid Snake, the legendary soldier of "Metal Gear."

(WIZ) Sam Fisher, "Splinter Cell"'s ultimate predator.

(BOOMSTICK) He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick.

(WIZ) And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win...a DEATH BATTLE.

(WIZ) His name was simply "David," and he had one clear purpose in life:

become the successor to the greatest soldier who ever lived.

(BOOMSTICK) Why? Because he was cloned from him.

Strap in, ladies and gentlemen; this origin's a doozy.

(WIZ) As a secret government project, "David" was created using eggs donated by a Japanese scientist

and grown in the womb of a femme fatale spy, along with seven other would-be brothers.

(BOOMSTICK) She was ALMOST the original Octomom,

except they scrambled six of them to somehow empower the remaining two.

(WIZ) According to prophecy,

one of these twins would bring ruin to the world,

while the other would save it. So, that kinda works out.

(BOOMSTICK) Born to be a soldier, he joined the Green Berets as a teenager,

and later joined the C.I.A., the U.S. Army, and finally, the high-tech Black Ops group called FOXHOUND.

Here, his deadly stealth techniques earned him his legendary codename.

Solid Snake.

(WIZ) While serving under the Special Forces unit, he received training from the very man he was cloned from,

Big Boss.

(BOOMSTICK) But, on his very first mission for FOXHOUND, war itself changed.

After infiltrating the military nation, Outer Heaven, to rescue a fellow agent,

Snake uncovered plans for the creation of a gigantic walking weapon that could air-mail a nuke to anywhere in the world.

It was called "Metal Gear."

(WIZ) Despite being a FOXHOUND rookie, Snake destroyed the Metal Gear

AND discovered that Big Boss himself was apparently leading the enemy.

After killing his own "father"--supposedly--Snake had had enough and entered early retirement.

(BOOMSTICK) But, since he had single-handedly destroyed a walking nuke-shooter AND the greatest soldier who ever lived,

Snake became the next soldier of legend.

Anytime a new Metal Gear showed up, Snake was pulled back into the fray,

when all he really wanted to do was get drunk in Alaska and dogsled race with his 50 Huskies.

Talk about living the dream...

(WIZ) Turns out Big Boss wasn't quite as dead as people thought.

Even after Snake burned him alive with nothing but a lighter and a can of hairspray...

(BOOMSTICK) History's greatest soldier, everyone!

(WIZ) ...These Metal Gears kept showing up.

Soon, Snake was an expert at destroying these robotic behemoths.

(BOOMSTICK) He even piloted a Metal Gear to destroy another Metal Gear

that was designed to kill Metal Gears!

Whoa...

(WIZ) But, Snake did not earn his reputation as the icon of stealth by going in guns blazing.

Although he knows how to use almost any weapon he finds,

he keeps his load light by entering missions with only the bare essentials.

(BOOMSTICK) Snake carries a Ruger mk. II pistol with tranquilizer darts, perfect for silent takedowns.

But if he wants to get lethal, he whips out his 1911 Operator, one of my favorite handguns ever.

And he's got a Stun Knife, which is like if a TASER and a knife had a baby.

All three of which he incorporates into his specialized fighting style: CQC,

a brutal mix of hand-to-hand combat and gunplay taught to him by Big Boss himself.

(WIZ) Preferring to remain unseen, these weapons wouldn't do Snake much good

without other tools to keep him hidden from his enemies.

Snake's outfitted with his OctoCamo,

a smart camouflage which can match the color, texture, and temperature of his surroundings.

(BOOMSTICK) Not even the Gecko-Bots, with their infrared and night-vision tracking, can find Snake in this camo.

Plus, he's always aware of his surroundings thanks to his high-tech eyepatch, the Solid Eye.

(WIZ) He's not actually missing an eye; it's more like a... monocle from the future,

with infrared, night-vision, and radar.

Snake's also been injected with nanomachines, which energize his body, and his CODEC,

an internal radio system.

The CODEC allows two-way communication which is 100% silent, almost like telepathy.

(BOOMSTICK) Feeding him info from the other side of the CODEC is his best friend, Otacon,

a pathetic, cowering nerd with horrible bladder control.

But he's also really good at hacking computer systems, so I guess he gets by.

Give him enough time and Otacon can hack into any top-secret facility.

(WIZ) Apart from Big Boss, Snake has defeated cybernetic ninjas, psychics, his own twin,

and of course several giant Metal Gears.

(BOOMSTICK) He can wield a railgun as powerful as a tank with his bare hands,

and once blew up an actual tank using nothing but a couple of grenades.

(WIZ) And once, he powered through a sealed hallway while being bombarded with microwaves and survived.

(BOOMSTICK) Who throws microwaves at people? Come on!

(WIZ) No, Boomstick, it's more like he was INSIDE a giant microwave.

(BOOMSTICK) My God... Think of the size of a Hot Pocket you could make with that!

(WIZ) Under the effects of microwaves, a normal man's skin would deteriorate within two to three seconds.

Snake lasted more than three minutes.

(BOOMSTICK) And any guy that could last three minutes is a God-damned stallion! Now I know why they call him Solid!

But seriously, this guy is built Tonka tough,

though he's hardly perfect. His OctoCamo provides only light protection against knives and other weapons.

And even though he's in peak physical condition,

one well-placed bullet will put him down as easily as any other man.

(WIZ) Also, cloning and nanomachines don't mix.

By the time he was 35 years old, they caused Snake to begin aging rapidly,

and even suffer heart issues and seizures.

(BOOMSTICK) Old and wrinkly or not, you can count on Solid Snake to see every single mission through...

and be a badass the whole time!

There's a reason he's known as the man who makes the impossible possible.

(WIZ) Samuel Leo Fisher was born in Towson, MD in 1957.

(BOOMSTICK) Whoa, he's older than I thought.

(WIZ) Orphaned at a young age, he spent his youth at a military boarding school. His goal was to join the C.I.A. and follow in the footsteps of his late father.

(BOOMSTICK) Sam's career in government work was an impressive one, joining both the C.I.A. and the Navy SEALs.

During this time, he found he had a particular knack for espionage...and ladies.

See, on one of his missions, he fired off a few rounds into the wrong target, and knocked her up.

So, he married her, they had a daughter named Sara, and Sam Fisher lived happily ever after. No, wait--he got divorced after three years and his ex died of ovarian cancer.

(WIZ) Left with no other family but his daughter, Sam retired at just 47 years old. This time, he'd spend the rest of his days in peace.

(Wiz and Boomstick laugh) (HAAAAAAAAA) As if! We all know how it goes.

Sam was too good to leave the agent's life forever, and was recruited by Third Echelon, a top-secret sub-branch of the NSA.

Third Echelon wanted Sam for their new Black Ops unit, focused on infiltrating impenetrable locations, extracting information, and escaping even the most impossible scenarios.

They called it the Splinter Cell program.

(BOOMSTICK) Oh, yeah! Lemme come out of retirement and do that--the completely impossible!

(FISHER) Talk, but talk quietly.

(INFORMANT) I'll tell you anything. I'm the biggest coward you've ever met!

(FISHER) That's quite a claim.

(INFORMANT) I've already wet myself!

(FISHER) Well... Then you've made the Top Ten.

(BOOMSTICK) Well, luckily, like other agents of stealth, Sam Fisher didn't have to work alone.

(WIZ) His support comes from Anna Grimsdottir, or Grim, who communicates with Sam through sub-dermal implants in his ear.

(BOOMSTICK) Eww...

(WIZ) It's just a tiny earpiece which operates by directly vibrating the bones of his inner ear, so only Sam can hear her.

(BOOMSTICK) Well, she's vibrating his bones, eh?

(WIZ) What's with you today?

(BOOMSTICK) I dunno...

(WIZ) Grim is a world-class hacker who started as Third Echelon's lead programmer, and MIGHT be aging backwards, but that's irrelevant.

Together, they are a formidable team, although Sam and Grim have very different approaches to a mission and can sometimes butt heads.

While Grim is very by-the-books, Fisher prefers to follow his instincts. For better or worse, he will completely abandon a well-laid plan over a mere hunch.

Surprisingly, this works out better than you'd think.

(BOOMSTICK) See? You don't always have to plan out every little detail about every little thing.

(WIZ) I thought we agreed to never discuss that trip!

(BOOMSTICK) I just wanted a churro, but NO, it wasn't in the schedule! Bet it was delicious...

(WIZ) Oh, shut up, Boomstick.

(BOOMSTICK) I'll kill you.

(WIZ) Grim directs Sam's movements, keeping him invisible on the field along with the latest in stealth gear.

(BOOMSTICK) He sports the Mark VIII Tactical Operations Suit, a light-diffusing black armor that's layered with Kevlar and RhinoPlate to help protect against bullets.

(WIZ) Along with a layer of Gore-Tex, a material that suppresses his heat signature to make him invisible to night-vision.

(BOOMSTICK) Speaking of night-vision, Sam...has that and more.

His multi-vision goggles come equipped with thermal vision, sonar, a zoom function, and even footprint tracking, to ensure that Fisher can see you even if you can't see him.

In fact, he's so stealthy that while he can track footprints left behind by others, his own trail is completely undetectable, even by him!

I'd say that he's the stealthiest man ever if it weren't for the three giant green lights coming off his head! C'mon, dude!

(WIZ) Common misconception. As obvious as they may appear, those lights are actually invisible to a normal human eye.

(BOOMSTICK) Really? Well, that's too bad for his enemies, because Sam excels at killing efficiently.

While lurking in the shadows, he takes aim with his favorite pistol: the semi-automatic Five-Seven, a compact firearm that's perfect for silent, quick kills.

(WIZ) And, if someone manages to spot him--unlikely as it may be, Fisher is more than prepared to take them head on with his SC-20K modular assault weapons system.

(BOOMSTICK) This beaut is like the Swiss Army knife of guns; it has an assault rifle mode, shotgun mode, sniper rifle--oh, she can be whatever you want her to be...

(WIZ) Um, Boomstick?

(BOOMSTICK) Wha...? yeah, um... As versatile as she is, that's nothing compared to the amount of things she fires.

Aside from bullets, the 20K can launch gas and EMP grenades, sticky shockers, rubber bullets, and even cameras which attach to the wall.

(WIZ) After their titanium spikes anchor them in place, Fisher can use his built-in communications device, the OPSAT, to monitor them.

These cameras have night-, thermal, and electromagnetic field vision.

(BOOMSTICK) Sam's got so many ways to take on his opponents, it's hard to count all the impressive stuff he's done.

He's carried out more than a dozen missions, went all Liam Neeson and rescued his daughter from kidnappers, and has even infiltrated the C.I.A. itself, which probably isn't easy.

(WIZ) He has single-handedly prevented a Chinese invasion of Taiwan, foiled terrorist plans to destroy the world's oil supply--all of it--

and, when he discovered that Third Echelon was corrupt from within, he took it down by teaming up with Grim to create...Fourth Echelon.

(BOOMSTICK) In combat, he's insanely fast and accurate on the quick-draw. Even when surrounded, he can put four bullets in four skulls in 3.2 seconds.

He can literally take a life in the blink of an eye.

Despite his age, nature hasn't slowed Sam down at all. I don't know about you, but I'll be thinking twice before stepping into any shadows.

(WIZ) All right, the combatants are set! Let's end this debate once and for all!

(BOOMSTICK) It's time for a STEALTH BATTLE!!!

(CODEC beeping)

(FISHER) Grim, we haven't had the chopper planned, have we?

(GRIM) No, the Paladin is your EVAC plan. Why?

(FISHER) Hmm...we've got a party crasher.

(GRIM) Your new friend won't last long. There's only one way into that room.

(FISHER) Don't lecture me. He's mine.

(OTACON) Snake, he's in the room...

Announcer: "Fight!"

(Drum N' Bass music)

(Music stops abruptly) (Alarm chord)

(Record scratches)

(Fighting sounds) ♪ You don't know me and you don't know what I'm going through ♪

♪ So F*** you and your lame-@$$ point of view ♪

♪ That should've been my whole mission from the start ♪

♪ You puttin' it together? I'll tear it all apart, what? ♪

♪ I gotta-♪ (Gun clicks) ♪-gets mine stepping through this minefield ♪

(Gun firing, electricity crackling) ♪ And what's not mine becomes mine, you mind? Chill... ♪

♪ That's the way I gotta take it from the mans ♪

"Where's the data?"

"Wouldn't YOU like to know(!)?" ♪ Put a price upon the fans, I'll put lead up in the stands ♪

♪ Doesn't matter who the target is ♪

(Guns firing, fighting sounds) ♪ You know I'm gonna finish it once I get it started, kid ♪

♪ That's the way I gotta market it ♪

♪ Marksman, mercenary, making all ya hearts skip ♪

(rat-a-tat-a-tat!) ♪ And I'll turn you into parts quick ♪

*rat-a-tat-a-tat!* ♪ Put you in a box and ship you off to yard six ♪

♪ Where the non-believers go? ♪

♪ The ones that started pleading 'cause hey couldn't take the bleeding from the beating, yo ♪

♪ So you might wanna- ♪ (Music quietens) ♪ shut your mouth ♪

♪ 'Fore you end up in a pine box headed down south... ♪

"Grim, did you get that?"

"Sam, are you all right?"