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(Cue: Invader- Jim Johnston)

Wizard: Hundreds of years ago, the samurai and the ninja battled across Japan...

And these 2 fascinating ways of combat have been at odds ever since.

Boomstick: The Shredder, the sharp and shiny Archvillan of the Ninja Turtles...

W: And the Silver Samurai, the mutant swordsman who can slice through anything...

B: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

W: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!

W: Beneath the streets of New York City, a secret battle wages between...

four humanoid Turtles and a ninja covered in blades known as The Shredder-

B: A kitchen utensil?

W: Many legends surround the Shredder's origins. Some say he's the reincarnation of an ancient Japanese warrior,

Some say he's an alien disguised as a man,

And some say he's an bumbling idiot who sounds like Uncle Phil!

Shredder: "But I don't want to conquer this place... I want to conquer EARTH!!"

B: Either way, every legend agrees on one thing... he's an absolute badass!

W: But before he was called the Shredder, he was Oroku Saki, a member of the Japanese ninja Foot Clan.

He trained alongside his rival: Hamato Yoshi.

B: They weren't just rivals in martial arts but in the search for love as well.

They both pined for the lovely lady Tang Shen, but unfortunately for our future Shredder... she only had eyes for Yoshi.

Hamato Yoshi; not the dinosaur, that would be weird.

W: Jealous, Oroku Saki attacked Yoshi, but in his rage...

...accidentally struck down Tang Shen.

B: Leaving Yoshi and his beloved for dead, Saki took over the Foot Clan and began a worldwide crime spree under his new name...

Shredder: "Now you face...

the Shredder!"

B: You know, I wonder, di- did he mean to name himself after a cheese grater?

Speaking of which, if his armor didn't make it obvious enough, Shredder's got a weird spike fetish.

This guy's got 'em all over his legs, arms, shoulders... even his head!

W: That headpiece, the Kuro Kabuto, is a relic passed down through the Foot Clan for over 1,500 years.

Forged from the totems of the clan's defeated enemies, it was formed into an alloy that's stronger than steel.

Plus it just looks awesome!

B: Obviously, his armor is also a kick-ass weapon and he can cut anyone down with the Tekko-kagi Claws on his wrists!

W: Which literally translates to "back of the hand hooks".

B: Perfect for backhanding. It doesn't cover all that much, but he needs freedom of movement because you know, he's a ninja!

Plus, would you want to get anywhere near a guy covered in razors?

Yea, I don't think so.

W: Ninjutsu is comprised of 18 separate disciplines and Shredder is a master of all of them.

This includes: stealth, espionage, pyrotechnics, horsemanship and plenty of weaponry.

B: Yeah! Like swords, spears, bo-staffs and throwing weapons. But it's not like he needs them anyway. He's skilled in unarmed combat too!

W: Now a master of his craft, the Shredder led the Foot Clan to New York City.

B: Where he found out that Hamato Yoshi wasn't quite as dead as he thought.

W: As a matter of fact, Yoshi had transformed into a rat person and was raising...

...four adolescent genetically altered shinobi Terrapins, but that's another story altogether.

W: With his hatred reinvigorated, the Shredder swore to end his lifelong enemy once and for all.

B: Every time Shredder fought these Ninja Turtles, he proved why he's the leader of the Foot Clan.

I mean, he's strong enough to tear through steel shipping containers with his claws, chop down trees in one sword swing...

And throw around mutants several times his size like they're nothin'!

W: One such mutant, Leatherhead, weights well over 300lb!

B: Alright, I know that's the official weight according to some toy, but look at him!

Compared to the Turtles, he should weigh half a ton!

W: Either way the Shredder survived the Leatherhead chomping down on his midsection: the femur, the strongest bone in the human body...

...breaks at a pressure of about 1,700 pounds per square inch.

A normal, unmutated American alligator can bite with a force of nearly 3000 psi!

And Leatherhead's bite is surely stronger.

B: Meaning Shredder should've spilt in half!

But nope! He was back up kicking some leather butt literally five seconds later!

W: The Shredder is a cunning strategist and talented warrior.

He's fought eight mutants in combat all at once, disarming every single one of them.

What's more, while intimidating an Italian mob boss and his bodyguards, he did this!

W: The most well-trained human eyes are capable of detecting movements occurring in 1/220th of a second...

...meaning Shredder's slash could have been even faster than that.

B: But sometimes Shreds needs just a bit more juice to get the job done. Literally! When you see him crack open a green one...

...he's not doing it to hang out with the boys!

W: In times of desperation, Shredder is known to resort to risking it all by consuming mutagen...

B: Transforming him into Super Shredder!

Mikey: "He must have drank all of it!"

Don: "It's a Super Shredder!"

W: While this form has given him different enhancements in different iterations,

It usually grants him: immense strength, inhuman durability, even teleportation and the power to shoot lightning.

B: You know that's probably because mutagen's not an exact science and it's bound to get random at times.

W: That's true, Boomstick!

B: I did a "science"!

W: Good job!

B: Haha!

Well, he's toughed out a sword shattering against his skin and even falling around a thousand feet onto a steel beam.

Man, you'd think this guy would never lose anything, ever!

But... you'd also be super wrong!

W: Shredder's has... his fair share of downsides.

This includes a weakness to garbage trucks...

Casey Jones: "Oops"

Newborn infants...

Shredder: "There are babies! Awwww..."

The power of music...

"I hate music!"

A strange fascination with eating his enemies...

"Tonight, I dine on turtle soup..."

...and wood.

B: Geez, were the 90s always this stupid?

W: Yeaaah...

Thankfully, despite his failures, The Shredder keeps getting back up: faster, stronger and much more terrifying!

Shredder: "The true battle... starts NOW!"

W: In feudal Japan, a samurai wasn't your typical bodyguard.

He was trained in the art of war & would only serve...

...the elite upper-class. Honor was the samurai's currency.

B: But for the Silver Samurai, Kenuichio Harada...

...currency was just regular money 'cause that shit's useful!

W: Born into the Yashida clan, Harada was the son of a powerful yakuza crime lord.

Unfortunately, he could never inherit his father's empire for himself because he was born illegitimately.

A bastard.

B: Woah, wait! No need to throw insults around, Wiz.

W: No, the literal definition of ba.. um, move on.

B: Wiz's judgment aside, without a clear future, Harada decided to, well...

...become a samurai, because, why not? Be pretty cool, right?

W: Unfortunately, the way of the samurai no longer had a place in the present.

Harada knew that in a world full of absurd superpowers...

He would need to dedicate his life to the art in a way he never seen before.

B: He wouldn't just be a samurai...

...he'd be... a Silver Samurai!

W: Yep.

B: Well, blinged out like exhibits rims, he picked up on a few fighting styles.

Not too many, just Bajutsu: the art of horseback, Bujustu: military strategy, Iaijutsu: the sword-based quick-draw,

Tantojutsu: knife fighting, Ninjutsu: being sneaky...

Kyujutsu: Which is archery and well, Jujitsu and Karate do: which are both forms of unarmed combat.

Ah, how many more jutsus do you think he can fit in his brain?

I didn't even know there were that many!

W: At least one more...

Kenjutsu: the art of Japanese sword fighting.

After all, what's a samurai without a katana at his side?

B: Dead, that's what. In order to keep living, he had to get really good with swinging that sword.

W: Luckily for Harada, he soon learned he had one of those absurd superpowers for himself.

B: Yep! He's a mutant.

W: Now who's being insensitive?

Harada has the ability to generate a tachyon field.

With it, he can enhance his sword, allowing it to slice through almost anything...

B: Even ghosts!

W: In real life, tachyonic fields are hypothetical particles with mass which travel faster than light.

A definition which may explain how Harada's cutting ability works.

B: So, he uses his power on sharp objects?

Well, that's too bad for everybody in Silver Samurai's way, because he carries a lot of them!

He's got throwing knives and shuriken ninja stars on hand for long-range attacks.

And of course, he always carries that katana.

W: He's wielded many different swords including the legendary Muramasa blade.

However, he's not too picky about what kind of sword he carries.

B: With his power, any blade Harada carries instantly becomes one of the most dangerous swords on the planet.

W: Harada has one more trick up his sleeve... a teleportation ring!

With it, he can warp around the battlefield for unexpected strikes and it makes for a good get-away.

B: Though, he almost lost it once to John Belushi. You know the guy from Saturday Night Live? Jocelyn told me about it once. It was weird.

W: After years of hard work, Harada was truly a masterful warrior.

However, he still struggled to defeat one opponent: The Wolverine.

B: Who killed his dad and got engaged to his sister.

Ah, the shame combo.

Oh and she was next in line to rule the Yashida clan! Man, a triple!

W: Needless to say, a little miffed, Harada challenged his own sister for the right to run the clan.

And he won! After she was poisoned by an unrelated third-party.

B: Sometimes, life just works out Wiz.

W: I guess a win's a win. And that wouldn't be his last one.

He's incredibly deadly in battle!

W: He's so fast, he deflects bullets with his sword and once even sliced a speeding bullet completely in half!

In this instance, the gunman was standing 15 feet away when he fired the bullet at approximately...

...1,400 feet per second. This means that Silver Samurai was able to reach for his sword and...

...accurately cleave the bullet in two in just over one hundredths of a second!

B: Even if he didn't chop it in half, his armor is totally bulletproof.

Shoot, it even let him survive a friggin' building fall on top of him!

But without his armor, he's survived taking a sword straight through the lung and getting run over by a car from... The fu**in' Jetsons?!

W: He's no slouch on the battlefield either!

He's knocked Spider Man unconscious, shaken off hits from Cannonball, and even defeated Spider Woman in combat.

At one point, he was dog-piled by Daredevil, She-Devil along with a cheetah and a panther together, likely weighing over 600 pounds in total.

And he threw them all off in one big push!

B: And he's always fighting with his no.1 rival, Wolverine!

W: Speaking of which, while some may boast that Harada is the greatest swordsman in the world...

...Wolverine's frequently proven to be his better.

B: Yeah, he may be good with his blade...

...but his battle strategy isn't quite as sharp. Also his bulletproof armor doesn't cover everything... as seen here.

W: Well, even that was merciful compared to what happened when he went up against the four Black Samurai!

Although Harada defeated them all against impossible odds...

...he ultimately succumbed to his wounds.

B: And when he arrived in Hell, Harada met the Devil who promptly killed him again...

..by cutting off his head and smashing his corpse into mush with a sword the size of a school bus!

Damn!

Never let it be said the Silver Samurai isn't hardcore!

Wolverine: "Last chance, Harada... yield!"

Harada: "The Silver Samurai... yields to no man!"

W: Alright, the combatants are set!

Let's end this debate, once and for all!

B: But first, all this talk of slicing & dicing is getting me thinkin'...

...about a Blue Apron meal!

Grandpappy Boomstick always said that "nothing in life is better than good food and making something with your own two hands."

And Blue Apron is both those things combined!

W: Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country!

All ingredients arrive right to your door guaranteed fresh and ready to cook.

B: It's better than eating fast food plus it's affordable! blue apron is less than $10 per person per meal.

W: Choose from a variety of recipes and get the meals that sound good to you!

The ingredients are perfectly proportioned and the instructions are easy to follow. I mean even Boomstick can do it!

B: Hey! Watch it, or you're not getting any of the next meal I make when it arrives!

Like the Miso butter salmon and lo mein noodles with cucumber and charm tomatoes.

W: And if you're worried about variety, don't bother. Recipes are not repeated within the year so you'll never get bored.

Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals, free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com/battle.

B: You'll love how good it feels and taste to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron so don't wait!

W: That's blueapron.com/battle.

B: Blue Apron. A better way to cook.

But right now...

It's time for a Death BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEE......