(applause)

Thank you.

Thank you so much, everybody.

Please have a seat, have a seat.

Before I get started, can we get the new

Presidential setup out here?

It's worked before.

(laughter and applause)

That's more like it.

It is great to be back.

What a year, huh?

I usually start these dinners with

a few self-deprecating jokes.

After my stellar 2013, what could

I possibly talk about?

(laughter)

I admit it -- last year was rough.

Sheesh.

(laughter)

At one point things got so bad,

the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize.

(laughter)

Of course, we rolled out healthcare.gov.

That could have gone better.

(laughter)

In 2008 my slogan was, "Yes We Can."

In 2013 my slogan was, "Control-Alt-Delete."

(laughter)

On the plus side, they did turn the

launch of healthcare.gov into one

of the year's biggest movies.

(laughter)

But rather than dwell on the past,

I would like to pivot to this dinner.

Let's welcome our headliner this evening,

Joel McHale.

(applause)

On "Community," Joel plays a preening,

self-obsessed narcissist.

So this dinner must be a real change

of pace for you.

(laughter)

I want to thank

the White House

Correspondents Association

for hosting us here tonight.

I am happy to be here, even though

I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia.

The lengths we have to go to get

CNN coverage these days.

(laughter and applause)

I think they're still

searching for their table.

(laughter and applause)

MSNBC is here.

They're a little overwhelmed.

(laughter)

They've never seen an audience

this big before.

(laughter)

But, look, everybody

is trying to keep up with this

incredibly fast-changing media landscape.

For example, I got a lot of grief on cable news

for promoting Obamacare to young people

on Between Two Ferns.

But that's what young people like to watch.

And to be fair, I am not the first person

on television between two potted plants.

(laughter and applause)

Sometimes I do feel

disrespected by you reporters.

But that's okay.

Seattle Seahawk cornerback Richard Sherman

is here tonight.

(applause)

And he gave me some great tips

on how to handle it.

Jake Tapper, don't you ever talk about

me like that!

(laughter)

I'm the best President in the game!

(laughter)

What do you think, Richard?

Was that good?

A little more feeling next time?

(laughter)

While we're talking sports, just last month,

a wonderful story -- an American

won the Boston Marathon for first time in 30 years.

(applause)

Which was inspiring and only fair,

since a Kenyan has been President

for the last six.

(laughter and applause)

Had to even things out.

(laughter)

We have some other athletes here

tonight, including Olympic snowboarding gold medalist

Jamie Anderson is here.

We're proud of her.

(applause)

Incredibly talented young lady.

Michelle and I watched the Olympics --

we cannot believe what these folks do -- death-defying feats

-- haven't seen somebody pull a "180"

that fast since Rand Paul disinvited that Nevada

rancher from this dinner.

(laughter)

As a general rule, things don't like

end well if the sentence starts,

"Let me tell you something I know about the negro."

(laughter)

You don't really need

to hear the rest of it.

(laughter and applause)

Just a tip for you --

don't start your sentence that way.

(laughter)

Speaking of Rand Paul

-- (laughter) --

Colorado legalized marijuana this year,

an interesting social experiment.

I do hope it doesn't lead to a whole lot of paranoid

people who think that the federal government

is out to get them and listening to their phone calls.

(laughter)

That would be a problem.

(laughter)

And speaking of conservative heroes,

the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight.

But as usual, they used a shadowy

right-wing organization as a front.

Hello, Fox News.

(laughter and applause)

I'm just kidding.

Let's face it, Fox, you'll miss me when I'm gone.

(laughter)

It will be harder to convince the

American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.

(laughter and applause)

A lot of us really

are concerned about the way big money

is influencing our politics.

I remember when a Super PAC was just

me buying Marlboro 100s instead of regulars.

(laughter)

Of course, now that it's 2014,

Washington is obsessed on the midterms.

Folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers,

my fellow Democrats don't really

want me campaigning with them.

And I don't think that's true -- although I did

notice the other day that Sasha needed

a speaker at career day, and she invited Bill Clinton.

(laughter)

I was a little hurt by that.

(laughter)

Both sides are doing whatever it takes

to win the ruthless game.

Republicans -- this is a true story --

Republicans actually brought in a group of consultants

to teach their candidates how to speak to women.

This is true.

And I don't know if it will work with women,

but I understand that America's teenage boys

are signing up to run for the Senate in droves.

(laughter)

Anyway, while you guys focus on the

horserace, I'm going to do what I do --

I'm going to be focused on everyday Americans.

Just yesterday, I read a heartbreaking letter --

you know I get letters from folks from around

the country; every day I get 10 that I read --

this one got to me.

A Virginia man who's been stuck in the same

part-time job for years; no respect from his boss;

no chance to get ahead.

I really wish Eric Cantor would stop writing me.

(laughter)

You can just pick up the phone, Eric.

(laughter)

And I'm feeling sorry -- believe

it or not -- for the Speaker of the House, as well.

These days, the House Republicans actually give

John Boehner a harder time than they give me,

which means orange really is the new black.

(laughter and applause)

But I have not given

up the idea of working with Congress.

In fact, two weeks ago, Senator Ted Cruz and I,

we got a bill done together.

And I have to say, the signing ceremony

was something special.

We've got a picture of it I think.

(laughter)

Look, I know, Washington seems more

dysfunctional than ever.

Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town you have

to wonder: What did we do to piss

off Chris Christie so bad?

(laughter and applause)

One issue, for example,

we haven't been able

to agree on is unemployment insurance.

Republicans continue to refuse to extend it.

And you know what, I am beginning to think

they've got a point.

If you want to get paid while not working,

you should have to run for Congress

just like everybody else.

(laughter and applause)

Of course, there is one thing that keeps Republicans busy.

They have tried more than 50 times

to repeal Obamacare.

Despite that, 8 million people signed

up for health care in the first open enrollment.

(applause)

Which does lead one to ask,

how well does Obamacare have to work before you don't

want to repeal it?

What if everybody's cholesterol drops to 120?

(laughter)

What if your yearly checkup came

with tickets to a Clippers game?

(laughter)

Not the old, Donald Sterling Clippers

-- the new Oprah Clippers.

Would that be good enough?

(laughter)

What if they gave

Mitch McConnell a pulse?

(laughter)

What is it going to take?

(laughter)

Anyway, this year, I've promised

to use more executive actions to get things

done without Congress.

My critics call this the "imperial presidency."

The truth is, I just show up every day

in my office and do my job.

I've got a picture of this I think.

(laughter and applause)

You would think they'd

appreciate a more assertive approach,

considering that the new conservative darling

is none other than Vladimir Putin.

(laughter)

Last year, Pat Buchanan said Putin

is "headed straight for the Nobel Peace Prize."

He said this.

Now I know it sounds crazy but to be fair,

they give those to just about anybody these days.

(laughter) So it could happen.

But it's not just Pat -- Rudy Giuliani

said Putin is "what you call a leader."

Mike Huckabee and Sean Hannity keep talking about

his bare chest, which is kind of weird.

(laughter)

Look it up -- they talk about it a lot.

(laughter)

It is strange to think that I have just

two and a half years left in this office.

Everywhere I look, there are reminders that

I only hold this job temporarily.

(laughter)

But it's a long time between now and 2016,

and anything can happen.

You may have heard the other day,

Hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference.

(laughter and applause)

I love that picture.

(laughter)

Regardless of what happens,

I've run my last campaign and I'm beginning

to think about my legacy.

Some of you know -- Mayor Rahm Emanuel recently

announced he is naming a high school

after me in Chicago, which is extremely humbling.

I was even more flattered to hear Rick Perry,

who is here tonigh, is doing the same thing in Texas.

Take a look.