One's about to be two and one's about to be four.

They're very young.

What if they--

They just came out of me.

Yeah.

They still smell--

I know.

You're usually--

Yeah.

This is the first time I've seen you not pregnant.

Oh, yeah?

But what happens if they want to be comedians?

Would you want them to be comedians?

Would you want any of your progeny to be comedians?

No.

No.

It's a hard job.

It's a hard job, because now it's nice,

but staying in those hotels, sleeping on those squishy-ass

mattresses in those comedy condos that are full of God

knows what--

Yep.

--it's not safe--

Yeah.

--you know what I mean, for women.

And I think that's a big reason why a lot of women

don't do stand-up, because of the road.

Yeah.

It's not getting up on-stage that's hard.

It's going on the road, getting in a car with all

these different strangers, being in these cities by yourself,

and walking back to your car at night.

It's really difficult.

Before you make it, I was traveling alone.

I didn't have anybody.

I didn't have money to tra--

you travel alone a lot.

And you stay in these horrible places.

And it doesn't feel safe.

But you love stand-up though.

I do.

You did stand-up on your wedding night.

I did.

[LAUGHTER]

What does that mean?

So you had a gig?

I got married at city hall, because I

didn't want to have a formal wedding, because I'm

a stand-up comic, and I was like, I

don't want to walk down an aisle for 60 seconds

while people stare at me in silence.

Right.

That would give me PTSD.

I see.

Yes.

Yeah.

That would be very awkward.

Right.

But for other women, that sounds really exciting.

To get into hair and makeup is really exciting.

Yeah.

But for me, I was like, that sounds like a nightmare.

And so we just got married at city hall.

And then I also didn't want to torture my friends

and make them be bridesmaids.

Yeah.

Have you been a bridesmaid ever?

That is cruel.

No, that's cruel.

I was once a long, long time ago.

I think it's mean to do that to women.

I do.

When people would ask me, do you want to be my bridesmaid,

I started to hear, do you want to be financially burdened?

Do you want to spend, like, $150 on this bogus-ass dress that

you're--

That you'll never wear again.

--never going to wear again--

Yeah.

Right.

--and spend a weekend with a bunch of B-I-T-C--

am I allowed to say--

You can say it.

Yeah.

--bitches that you don't know?

Right.

Yeah.

It's like, there's always some weird cousin with braces

who's socially awkward.

Right.

And then where you're celebrating them

and they're like, here's a penis necklace,

here's a penis hat, let's play pin the penis on the penis.

And I'm like, if I'm about to get married,

I don't want to wear a penis candy necklace.

I want a real penis--

Right.

--that's not the penis I'm going to have forever.

You know?

Right.

I have to say, that's the record number of the times someone--

[LAUGHTER]

--has said "penis" within 60 seconds.

That was-- congratulations.

You win a 65-inch TCL Roku TV.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

All right.

So the book you-- it's very funny and it's really sweet.

It's for your girls, because your dad--

tell the story.

Yeah, so after "Baby Cobra," I had gotten offered a book deal,

and I was like, I don't really have an idea.

But then I remembered my dad had written me this letter that

started with "Dear Alexandra"-- that's my full real name--

before he passed away, and it was sort of reflecting

on our relationship.

And it was really sweet.

But it was short.

And I wished that he had written more.

And after he passed, it was too late to ask

him all of these questions about who

he was before he became my dad.

And he grew up really poor.

And I only knew him as this successful anesthesiologist,

but he overcame a lot of obstacles and failure.

And I really wanted to talk a lot about that with him,

especially at that time, but it was too late.

He had already passed away.

And so with my girls, they only know me

after I filmed those specials with them in utero.

I put them to work right away.

Yes.

So they don't know everything that I went through

to get to where I am.

And I think it's really important.

But they're not going to be able to read it until they're older,

because it's filthy dirty.

Yes!

[LAUGHTER]

The name of the book is--

it's "Dear Girls."

Everyone in the audience is getting a copy.

[CHEERING]

We'll be back.

Hi, I'm Andy.

Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel,

so you can see more awesome videos, like videos

of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,

like ball peen hammer, and also some videos of Ellen

and other celebrities, if you're into that sort of thing.

Yah!

Oh, [BLEEP]!

God!

[BLEEP]