Yeah.

Wow.

I am almost certain they think we're here to introduce Ellen.

I say, well, fortunately for us Ellen isn't here today.

So we will be stepping in for her.

Today.

Yes.

[CHEERING]

She took the day off because she can,

because that's what you can do when you're Ellen.

We did not take the day off because we are not Ellen.

I wish we were, that kind of money looks fun.

It does.

I wouldn't know.

My name is Eugene.

[APPLAUSE]

Congratulations.

And my name is Dan.

[APPLAUSE]

This is very fun for us.

And shockingly we're related.

This is a crazy coincidence.

We just happen to be guest hosting the same week

that our show, Schitt's Creek, is back

for its sixth and final year.

Wow.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you It's almost as if it was

planned by a gaggle of publicists and producers.

On the show we play father and son.

In real life we play father and son.

Yeah.

But even though we're related, we don't always

see eyebrow to eyebrow.

Apologies.

What does that mean?

So any way.

Yeah, no, that was a good one.

Yeah.

Worked.

Since we are father and son, Ellen asked her followers

on Twitter if they needed any father and son

advice on anything.

Which was her first mistake.

Nevertheless, we are going to try

to answer a few of those questions as best we can.

Here's a hint, do the opposite of what we say.

So-- oh here.

These are the questions.

Thank you so much.

First question.

No, this is it.

I don't have a card.

That's the card for you.

All right here's the first question.

Vaughn tweets, I need to be able to play

a musical instrument now.

Immediately.

I'm thinking piano, or maybe the bagpipes.

How can I learn instantly?

As a millennial, that is the most millennial question

I have ever heard.

Bottom line, if you want to play the piano,

you have to learn how to play the piano.

I spent eight years learning how to play the piano,

and can't play a single note.

Anyway but I like the philosophy,

it's like I want to go to Greece next week,

can I learn it in a day and a half?

Answer, no.

No you can't.

Hope that helps, Vaughn.

All right, here's the next question.

What's the next question?

Oh hold on, that's for you.

That's the one.

There it is.

Yeah.

This is Cameron.

Cameron tweets, I work at Little Caesar's pizza.

How do I fix that?

Why would you ever want to fix that?

You work at Little Caesars, that's paradise.

I literally once hugged an employee there

because they had my pizza ready when I showed up to pick it up.

I was also having a bad day, but we hugged nevertheless.

Yeah, I don't think your problem is with Little Caesars,

the establishment, Cameron.

It's with making pizzas.

I'd think about maybe Fat Burger.

That's not--

I'd think about maybe Fat Burger.

What is that?

I'd think about maybe Fat Burger.

Is that how this is going to work?

When something just doesn't fly, we'll

repeat it 50 times until it does?

It beats stopping tape and then having to redo it.

You just wait till you get the laugh you want.

I want to say that we have time for one more question,

but who knows at this point?

This one is a little bit more serious.

Andy Stanbergs tweets--

Oh, I love his show.

Stanbergs.

Oh, Stanbergs.

Yeah.

If I were-- if a dog wore pants, would he wear them like this?

Or like this?

I have a very clear answer in my head,

but I'll let you answer first.

Well, obviously A is the way you would wear it.

That's A.

What?

A.

No.

That is absolutely not the right answer.

First of all, these are pants.

This.

I don't know what this is.

I don't know how it's staying up.

This is the lower half of a dog.

Over the legs.

All right, you know what?

One--

These are the legs of the dog.

One is--

These are the arms.

One is sexy, and one is not.

Sexy?

Sexy?

How is that--

This is sexy.

How is that sexy?

This to me is just topless.

The dog's wearing a fur top.

He has fur.

Or she has fur.

They have fur.

It depends on what you want for your dog.

I would love for you to dress from only the front half back

from here on out.

After the break my dad will be dressing

just the back of himself.

We could literally argue about this--

I've gone topless quite a few times, and it doesn't work.

Well, we'll see how the show goes.

Hi, I'm Andy.

Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel

so you can see more awesome videos, like videos

of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,

like ball peen hammer.

And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities

if you're into that sort of thing.

Ah!

[BEEP] God!

[BEEP]