-Thank you so much. -Yeah.

-Four days late, but nonetheless.

Thank you. -Uh, it was this past weekend?

-Yeah, it was. Yeah, it happened.

-Do you enjoy birthdays, or...

-No, no, no. -No, you don't.

-I don't enjoy mine.

-No. -No, no, no.

I enjoy other people's birthdays,

which happens every day,

but I don't enjoy my own birthday.

-No. -No.

-You never did, even as a kid? -Never did.

No, when I was a kid, I hated it even more than I do now

because, as a kid, I just remember, like,

the pressure of having a birthday party --

which I never had --

because I was too nervous about who I would choose --

which friend I would choose to sit next to me,

and I didn't want to have to be

in the position of ranking my friends like that,

so I just opted to never have a birthday party.

-Oh, my gosh. -I was so nervous

to hurt somebody's feelings. -But what about family?

Did family -- Did you have parties with family?

-No, I sequestered myself in the room and said,

"I don't want to have to choose

which one of you I like the most."

I think they knew,

but I didn't want to have to explicitly say it.

[ Laughter ]

-But we talked once.

You said your mom was a clown at kids parties.

-This is the great irony of my life.

My mom was was a bir--

The shoemaker's son goes shoeless.

The birthday party clown's kid goes birthday-less.

-Did she never entertained at your parties?

-No, she didn't entertain, you know, because of nepotism,

but, um...

[ Laughter ]

So, she would -- one time -- I did have one birthday party --

she used to barter with the local magician.

She said, "Okay, if you do my son's birthday party,

I'll perform at your kid's birthday party."

And so I had one birthday party,

and, luckily, you don't have to choose where anybody sits

'cause it's a magic -- you know, it's a magic show,

so you all just sit in a clump, so that's easy.

But, you know, because it was my birthday,

he chose me to be, like, his sexy assistant.

You know what I mean? I had to come up

and be sawed in half or pull the thing out of the hat

or whatever they're doing, and, um --

and I hated that, too, because then, you know,

you're getting the attention for that,

and then my friends know I'm better than them on that day.

-Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, no, you don't want that.

You don't want that at all.

But, now, Halloween is coming up,

and I can just assume you don't appreciate that.

-Also didn't like that holiday. -No, no, no, no, probably not.

What would you do on Halloween?

Would you, uh -- -Halloween, I just --

-Just didn't like the idea of getting candy, or...

-I hated the idea of getting candy.

I hated the idea of trick-or-treating.

I always just thought it was, like,

the least-efficient way to get food, you know?

You know, there were hunters, you know,

thousands and thousands of years

got food more quickly than I did going door to door getting,

you know, fun-sized Snickers bars. It's just --

I didn't like doing it, and, um, you know, I'm a manic person,

so that kind of thing --

this plotting thing of going door to door

to get something that's tiny is just...

-Well, I asked you to see if you can...

-Yeah.

-I asked you if you could give us a photo or have your --

ask your mom for a photo of you

in one of your Halloween costumes.

-That's right. I asked my mom.

I said, "I'm going on the Jimmy Fallon show."

She loves you, by the way.

I don't know if you've ever been told

that somebody's mother loves you,

but my mom loves you. -Oh, thank you. I love that.

-I imagine that's like -- you must -- you love that.

Um, anyway. -I love hearing that.

-"Suburban woman in New Jersey loves me?"

But anyway... -She came back.

She gave us a photo of one of your Halloween costumes.

Can you explain -- uh, what are you dressed as?

What is that? -Yeah.

-It doesn't look like much of a, uh, costume.

-Also, the van should tell you

everything you need to know about my childhood.

But, yes, I guess this was my most elaborate Halloween costume

according to my mother, which is, like,

a Dickensian hat

and a -- a de-threaded basketball, I guess.

You know, what is the basketball

where it no longer has the dots on it?

That's the one I had. But, um, yeah.

-That was your -- -...no grip.

-That was your costume. -That was my costume.

-Pretty good. -Yeah.

-Probably no one else at school was dressed like that.

-No. No, no, no. -No.

You're the only one.

-Yeah, but, after tonight, who knows?

-It could catch on. -Yeah.

-Uh, I love your acting,

but I also love your -- your writing, as well.

You write very funny -- I've seen stories in New Yorker.

-Yeah, thanks a lot.

-They're great. -Oh, yeah, right.

-Explain this. What is this -- this book?

-Yes, this is a book that

I'm just part of a compilation of,

including Nate Dern,

one of your great writers here is in it.

Probably everybody who's ever written in the language

or maybe even a different language is in this book,

'cause it's so huge.

Yeah, if you can see it on the side.

-It's a big book. -Yeah, it's biblical proportion.

-Yeah, it's a big book. I-I-I have a book out, too.

Let me see it. -This is it here.

"Baby" -- Jimmy Fallon. Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Could we -- just out of curiosity,

could we -- could we -- could we compare font size?

-Yeah, we can compare font size. -Yeah.

-Something tells me --

Something tells me yours is gonna...

Yeah, here, so, small, kind of modest 10-point.

What do you have?

These are "Baby"... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I figure for babies it's good. -Yeah.

No zoom-in necessary. -No, no, no. You don't need --

You can see it from far away.

-Right, so, this is McSweeney's. This is started by --

-I love McSweeney's. -And, uh, yeah,

it's all the best comedy writers write for this,

and, uh, it's a wonderful book.

Probably written by 1,000 environmentalists

but wasting so much paper. -Yeah.

-You can buy it ironically.

It's a good book if you like funny.

-Yeah. -Check it out.