I mean, especially me

because I don't even look like I'm gonna be funny, you know?

[ Laughter ]

It's my face. it's like a little TED Talky.

Like it looks like I'm about to use the phrase renewable energy.

I know that. [ Laughter ]

It's a hurdle.

A lot of people have kids, 'cause they're like,

"Well, if you don't, who's gonna take care of you

when you're old?" But there's no guarantee

your kids are gonna take care of you, you know?

Take my parents' kid for example.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I'd be more apt to have kids if they would take care of me now.

You know, like, I would adopt someone

if they're old enough to drive.

[ Laughter ]

Then my friends would call me up and be like,

"Today, little Emma took her first steps."

I'd be like, "Oh, really? Wow!

Ron just dropped me off at the airport. Yeah."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I love my nephew so much.

He makes me hesitant to have kids

'cause I'm afraid I might have kids

and then they don't measure up to him, you know?

I told my girlfriend that. She goes, "That's ridiculous."

She goes, "That's like never getting married

because you're afraid you're gonna meet someone better."

And I'm like, "Yeah." [ Laughter and applause ]

I'm dyslexic.

That's tough, man, because you don't see it coming.

You know, I just arrived in the first grade -- you have no idea.

I arrived in the first grade. Everyone started reading.

I was like, "Meh, I'm gonna stare out

the window for a decade. But, you guys, you do your thing."

[ Laughter ]

I found out I wasn't going to learn how to read at 6.

That's young to get bad news about the future.

[ Laughter ]

That's like pulling a kid aside and being like,

"Hey, there's a good chance

you're gonna be a degenerate gambler."

[ Laughter ]

He's like, "What are the odds?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

Third grade was tough 'cause the teacher was old,

and she learned to teach before dyslexia was invented.

So she didn't think it was a thing.

She thought it was something people made up to get attention.

Like a gluten allergy.

[ Laughter and applause ]

She'd make, like, the whole class read,

and then it would be my turn.

I'd be like, "Yeah, I can't read.

It's the same situation as yesterday."

[ Laughter ]

She'd be like, "Sound it out."

I'd be like, "Nice try. That's reading."

[ Laughter ]

That is so insensitive, man.

Tell a dyslexic child to sound it out?

That'd be like if someone pulled you aside and said,

"Hey, I can't eat this. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts."

And you're like, "Chew slowly."

[ Laughter ]

They put me in special ed. I was in special ed.

My mom did all my homework, all my projects.

They still put me there.

[ Laughter ]

It's true. My mom would always say to me,

she'd say, "You know, there's nothing to be ashamed

about being in special ed," and I'm glad she felt that way

'cause technically she was in it too.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I am so close to my mom. My mom had surgery last year.

I went to the hospital.

I was so, like, upset and nervous I immediately fainted.

As I came to, the doctor was panicking and said to my dad,

"Does he have any medical conditions

we need to know about?"

My dad said, "He has OCD."

[ Laughter ]

That's not pertinent to the situation at all.

He just started talking smack.

[ Laughter ] The doctor's like, "Seriously,

is there anything we need to know?"

My dad's like, "He owes us 5 grand."

Yeah. [ Laughter ]

I have a new girlfriend. She's Indian.

And sometimes I'll tell people that,

and they're like, "Native American or from India?"

And I'm like, "First off, rude."

[ Laughter ]

"Secondly, I will look into that."

[ Laughter and applause ]

She has an emotional support dog,

which I have no experience with.

So the first time she cried in front of me,

I just kind of innocently looked at the dog

and was like, "Do you got this?"

[ Laughter ]

I have no experience with pets at all.

When I was a kid, I would ask for a pet,

and my parents would say, "Well, what will we do when we travel?"

Then we never went anywhere.

[ Laughter ]

My friend was like, "Weren't you lonely without a dog?"

I was like, "No, I was busy preparing for this voyage

the whole time." [ Laughter ]

Last time I was home, just out of the blue, my mom goes,

"We should have gotten you a dog."

That always hurts, right?

You're hanging out with your parents.

They start brainstorming ways

you could have been a better person?

[ Laughter ]

Same trip, out of nowhere, my mom goes,

"When we get old, I hope you don't put us in a home."

And I was like, "Well, what will I do when I travel?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

Thank you guys so much!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

-Phil Hanley! Phil Hanley.

For more, visit philhanley.com.