Kumon learning centers, so you guys that don't know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children.

You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo.

Because it's supposed to be a smiley face, but it's not really smiling.

It's just like, "Man."

My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon, they got a different strategy.

They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function.

That's an old-school Chinese strategy.

You know, so when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion.

It was basically my quinceanera.

My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus.

And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, "You're a woman now, okay?"

But when you were a kid when your parents tell you can't do something, what do you do?

You rebel, right?

So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother's calculator, I stole Roy Roger's calculator, and I locked myself in my room and I started rebelling.

I started doing math homework

Other kids were like fucking around with like alcohol and drugs, I was fucking up some problems, you know?

Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers, and I was like, "Oh man, this feels great.," you know?

It's so wrong, it's awesome.

My dad was pissed.

He was knocking the other side of the door, he doesn't like locked doors in the house.

And he was screaming, he was like, "Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside?"

"Come out right now, I know you're in there using a calculator, come out right now!"

I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.

And he unlocked the door and he came in, I went into full panic mode.

So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants.

I was like, "Dad, I was just jerking off!"

And he came in, and he looked at me and then looked at the math homework.

And he was like, "Good, good."

"Very good, very good, very good."

"You must really like math, that's good."

"That's good, keep it up."

Because there's nothing, there's nothing that will make your Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework.