conflict for almost twenty years.

I am passionate about this subject.

I still, even after all that time get that awful, sick feeling

in my stomach when someone is mad at me

Conflict indeed is messy, risky, scary and as we all know

can be extremely dangerous

After all that time I have come to understand

that conflict is one of the best things

that we've got going for us

So, can you think of a time where your life

has gotten better, where you have improved somehow

without some degree of discord?

It might be a battle of ideas, should I take the job, should I not take the job

but if everything is going along the same

I know I don't change. We need conflict to push us forward

The tough needs to come so that the good can occur.

It is as Euripides once said there is in the worst of fortunes the best

chance of a happy change. So, I find this true in my own life

I thought you like a little snippet of me

but first we have to stop and look at it wasn't I the cutest darn

thing at nine years old?

I wanted to be Gloria Steinam when I grew up!

So that's the glasses, you've got that!

This gives you some of the things

that propelled me forward. You'll notice that

with all of these there is a battle

that ensued before I shifted

before I was courageous

sometimes I was just fighting with myself

like not being ready to go to college at 17

careful when you skip 8th grade you end up young

and I was crying in my mother's lap

at 17, which was not good

and I realized that I probably instead

should go to Mexico on a foreign exchange program

which has brought me to this work, I

probably wouldn't have starting dating

my husband if I hadn't had

that so that is one example others are

when I am fighting with other people

like my parents when they moved me to Minneapolis

again a good thing over the long haul

and I had a whole set of contentious meetings

in my late 20's early 30's that drove

me to get mediation training

and then sometimes we fight with life

and in my case you see that a friend died way way

too young and our loss

of her pushed me to go to graduate

school in something that I loved and also

to start writing. So I've needed conflict

I need the battles to get this far anyway

So my job is to look for common tips and techniques

that you can find around the world to deal with difficult

circumstances. Another way to look at it is I look to

see what a wise grandmother would tell me if I was in India

if I was in Panama if I was in Italy

or in Thailand.

What am I told where no matter where I go?

The great news is that there is a wealth

of tips and techniques that can be found

That can help us overcome tough times

but today as you know watching a Ted talk

I have a conflict! I only have

10 minutes so I get to tell you just 1 cross cultural tip

I'm going to tell you what it is

why it works, and how to apply it.

Are you ready? OK, here we go...

The global tip is

when conflict comes...be grateful. I know

right...when a guy cuts you off in traffic

give thanks. When

the woman thinks your ideas are absolutely

ridiculous be appreciative and

if you live in conflict or post-conflict zones

like so many of my students even

then we are counseled to count this as

a blessing. As counterintuitive as it

may sound, finding gratitude in conflict makes

us safer and more apt to find resolution.

The advice is clear.

If we even just start at the world's major religions

you'll find in Christianity they'll say

Give thanks regardless of the circumstances

In the Islamic and Jewish traditions we are told

to stop and give praise for whatever

comes our way 3 to 5 times a day.

And I appreciate in Hinduism they give us a goal to shoot for

"Such people have mastered life" this is the idea that

whatever comes along on our path that it is good

that it is equal and is part of this greater Whole

So why is this a global tip? I think

brain research is giving us some clues.

Here's your brain, I am going to tell you

This is your brain, this is your brain on conflict

So here we go. Your brain is actually like three

or four brains all cobbled together. You'll notice that

you've got the limbic system in the middle and these different pieces

take turns driving. The limbic system's job, one of its jobs, is to

look for threats. To look for things that might hurt you.

It is paying attention, "Is that a problem, is that a threat?"

"Is that a problem?" And if it sees something

it is hard wired to give control to your reptilian brain.

And you can see that, it's that dark part down

in the base, like a reptile hiding

it acts like it too sometimes!

But it's job is that if there is an immediate physical threat

is to get you into fight flight. So it's to

course adrenaline through your body and get you ready

to get the heck out of here or to neutralize your opponent.

But the problem is if this is not an immediate physical threat that you are dealing with

not such a good place to be when in conflict.

Now you may have noticed on the previous chart that I am a mother of 3

and so when I'm in my reptilian brain or in fight flight

this is the point where the screaming teenager is

yelling at me and I'm screaming right back!

and about 20 minutes later I am

desperately regretting what I've just said

It is the place of, most of the time, very poor parenting skills

I know that no one else can relate to this

Where we want to be most of the time if

there is not an immediate physical threat, we actually want to be

in our neocortex. You can see that, it's the

light and fluffy part and your pre-frontal lobes

There are amazing in that this part of our

brain can think in past, present and future

where the reptilian brain only in the present

only cares about me

So this part of our brain -- past, present and future -- and can handle

complex problem solving. With teenagers, good plan, right?

If this is the place we want to be in conflict, the wonderful thing is

that latest brain research shows that that is where we have to process gratitude

We have to be in our neocortex to think about things we are thankful for

So when something bad is coming your way this cross-cultural tip

tells you to think of 5 things you are thankful for

and if you do that you have a fighting chance to get your neocortex

and in my case as a mother is to maybe be quiet

to ask good questions and to see the bigger picture

Something I always try to remember when I'm thinking of my brain

is that I'm not only fighting with another

every time conflict comes, or fighting with life,

I'm actually fighting with my brain and if

we can remember that and be kind to ourselves

that can be a step forward in conflict as well

So this cross-cultural tip goes 1 step further

it says not only to be grateful

for conflict, but also to be grateful

for your opponents. We see this in the Jewish

proverb, "Listen to your enemy, for God is talking."

We also see this in the opening bow

of the Eastern martial artists as they step

onto the mat and they bow and say,

"Thank you for this opportunity to fight,

I recognize that you could hurt or destroy

me. Teach me what I have to learn."

This is the place where our worst enemies

have the potential of becoming our best teachers.

The problem is that we so often forget, we are hardwired

to forget.

And we turn our opponents sadly into things.

The Jewish philosopher Martin Buber after the Holocaust

talked of this terrible propensity of turning our opponents into things

We forget that they have value.

and that each of our opponents hold the missing

information that we need to resolve the conflict.

They are a Thou as we see in that opening bow.

Yet, the legacy is so long when we forget.

When we turn our opponents into things

we run into situations that only live with us but

with those who follow us. So how many

generations as an example for a family to

overcome physical and sexual abuse?

When do we as a species stop and recover from

slavery, the Holocaust and other forms of genocide?

And there are the times where we take other species

and we turn them into evil awful things that

we need to eliminate. And as we've heard and as we know

that legacy is long as well.

We need to remember the Thou.

Because conflict is calling us to our best.

I continue to be attracted to working with people in conflict

which seems kind of strange but you know I get

to see people shine.

I get to see, just as the Zen saying provides, that

"An unencumbered stream has no song."

Sure, I get to see people at their

absolute worst. If you've seen me in conflict

you've sometimes seen me at my

absolute worst, but I also get to see people sing.

I get to hear from a young Bahraini woman

who was a student of mine, how she held calm

how she held gratitude when the police came to take her

away for questioning at 2:30 in the morning.

Her family was screaming and crying but held calm

and she made it through unscathed and

the charge? That she had posted on Facebook that she wanted peace and justice in Bahrain.

She is now safely in another country studying.

I also get to see a man in his 70's

who participated in a series of contentious conversations about homosexuality and

its place in their church. And he said to me,

"Deidre, all my life I have never considered what it would be feel like not to be welcome.

I had never put my feet into my gay parishioners shoes. This conflict changed me."

So conflict creates our hero's tests.

It creates those life defining moments where we

like the encumbered stream

can sing our proudest souls' anthems.

Plato once said,

"I exhort you also to take part in the

great conflict, which is the conflict of life."

May we each meet each difficulty

and each opponent, each opponent,

with appreciation and may we engage well.

Life brings struggles,

may we celebrate those struggles and shine. Thank you very much.