Of course you've seen him on Conan.

Please welcome all the way from India, Vir Das.

Vir, thank you so much for being here.

Hey man, it was no effort at all.

I walked six feet from the bedroom over to this chair

and I'm happy to be here. (laughing)

It's the easiest I've done.

Put your hat on. Yep.

No work went into this,

this is great. None at all.

I am not wearing underwear.

I haven't had a haircut in six months

and this is a, yeah, it's pretty easy.

Are you growing the hair out?

I've been growing out.

I'm in that awkward, like I just have like a,

it's like emo things, right now.

Yeah.

I'd say I'm in the, I think, yeah,

I think I hate my parents, but I don't know,

like I'm in that phase right now, so yeah.

Yeah.

We know we still desperately depend on them,

but we hate them.

I listen to five indie bands

and you don't know any of them.

That's the haircut, basically.

It'd be like their first stuff.

Whenever the first thing was we haven't heard it

cause our parents won't let us.

But you, you saying, did you go through an emo phase?

Outside of the big emo phase that the world is going

through right now? No.

Yeah.

Outside of this 6 billion people, existential crisis

that we live in right now.

No, it's been all right.

Like I was telling someone,

I think comedians,

especially like those of us who spend

a lot of time on the road,

we're pretty well trained for a lockdown.

Aren't we?

Like we just.

Yeah

you know, we're in our hotel all day.

We come out for an hour

and even then we don't like the people we meet

and then we leave for 10 minutes and go back home.

Isn't that life right now for everyone?

That's it.

You're on for 10 minutes,

you're locked up in the hotel.

It has been weird though.

Not having shows at night for me,

because I usually get away with like wasting

the entirety of the morning.

It's like the work is at night

and then 8:00 PM rolls around, you're like,

Oh, I didn't do anything.

Yeah.

And then you have to kind of deal with family and be like,

Oh, these people have dreams as well

and lives that I have missed out on this entire time.

But that's been fun.

Other people?

other people.

Yeah.

Are you going crazy a little bit not being able to travel?

Yeah.

This is the longest I've been in one place in 15 years,

like a decade or 15 years.

So I've gotten to know my wife again.

That's been interesting, like it's.

Right.

Did you learn her middle name yet?

No, but we've unlocked like new levels of fighting.

Which is nice.

I feel like normally we'd fight

and I'd have to like go on the road

or we'd fight and I'd have to go do a thing.

Now we fight this time then plot revenge and shit man.

So it's like,

(laughing)

Right.

I'm so glad you brought this up

because this has been happening to me.

I'm locked out with my girlfriend

and I'll notice that I'm fighting

just because I have the time to fight.

Like before I would just give up,

like I gotta go on the road.

You win.

She's gonna win anyway.

So it's just like, end it.

But now honestly, the other night I was like,

Oh yeah, you would say that, you're exactly like your mom.

(laughing)

I don't know that to be true at all.

I'm just trying to pass a Thursday.

I think also you go through like five reactions

to what they say,

and then you kinda go, Oh, COVID.

And then it's done,

where we're all seeing stuff that we just like,

we were fighting the other day

and she was like, you know what?

Burn in hell.

Which is like, that's a powerful thing to say.

when you're fighting about like Parmesan cheese

or something like that

and I was just like, this is jeez,

hell okay, COVID.

That's what this is.

And then you kind of let that go.

But you could just use that as a cop out for everything.

Just like listen.

Yeah.

I cheated on you.

But you know, COVID.

Man, I'm going to milk this thing

for at least three more years.

Like as long as, I don't care, if I'm freshly vaccinated,

I'm still milking this thing.

Yeah.

Are you doing the, like are you doing the elbow

when you meet people or are you doing like distant wave?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So a couple of things I'm doing like the, the elbow bumps,

some people are going for handshakes and I'm like no.

Yeah.

One guy the other day he was doing,

I was do this like virtual show

and then he was the guy checking in

and they'd tell me when to go.

Listen.

He would pull the mask off.

You'd be like,

so we're just gonna have you guys come in and out

and then, what was that?

Like, he could hear out of his mouth.

What are you doing?

What's the protocol, bumps?

I mean, we've had the namaste for years, right?

And now there's like American people

and British people doing the namaste and I'm like, no,

you don't get to do it.

I'm sorry.

This is, I know there's a pandemic,

but I, no this is cultural appropriation.

Absolutely not.

We're not doing yoga.

White people have wanted to do this forever.

For so long.

Like, without signing up for yoga,

you don't get to do it, no.

Right.

Bowing, can you just bow,-No hands but just bow?

You can bow.

I don't know, I feel like that's too much respect

to show someone.

Yeah.

Like, who's the last person you met

and you were like, you know what,

they deserve a bow?

I can't think of.

(laughing)

Like, this person is awesome.

People at the gas station.

Yeah, maybe.

I haven't found anyone bow worthy

in a very long time.

Yeah.

When the lockdown happened,

so in India we have,

household help is a bigger thing in India.

Right?

So everybody has like staff that kind of lives with them

in the house.

I mean we learned that from you guys,

but you kind of forgot about it

on the way that we just kind of kept it going.

Yeah.

But you pay your staff.

In America, we are in a lot of trouble not paying

the people that worked in the house.

So then, when the lockdown happened,

every Indian person was like, look at me,

I'm cleaning my own kitchen

and I'm doing my own dishes

and I'm sweeping my own floor.

And I'm like, it took a global pandemic

to make you behave like every European

and every American in the world right now.

There's nothing special about you doing dishes.

Quit posting that shit on Instagram right now.

I'm suspicious of people with clean apartments.

I think getting apartments should get shut down.

You see someone cleaning they're prepping for a party.

Yeah, I think so.

Just gonna get people out.

Is that not allowed over there?

Are you not allowed to have like gatherings,

like people over, is that.

Not allowed, but it's also America.

So, anything that's the rule people are like,

well, it's my right.

So, there's a lot of States here

that have not locked down at all.

Like, at all?

For the last six months?

Like they've "locked down",

but they've really never locked down.

Like Florida never did a lockdown.

Wow.

Also Florida doesn't do a lot of stuff that America does.

It's really its own.

(laughs)

I wonder if India has a Florida equivalent,

is there a state or a region that people are just like,

this is everything we're fairest about?

The appendix in your body, isn't it Florida?

It's just never worked for anything.

And you haven't been able to.

We don't need it.

Yeah.

We don't even know about it until it becomes a major pain.

It could destroy the rest.

No. I think this is controversial,

but we feel about,

I feel like India and Pakistan feel about each other,

how you feel about Florida.

Maybe that's the way that this goes.

Yeah. Okay.

Like,

Yes.

The fact that you said that, yeah.

Certain regions can be the Florida.

Like Florida is your Pakistan.

Florida is America's Pakistan.

That should be the flag.

That should be the tagline.

Welcome to Florida America's Pakistan.

(laughing)

I'm sure Florida would love the comparison.

Yeah, it is.

We have this like idea of like everyone in Indian accent,

at least in media here,

that everyone is Indian accent is a genius.

Yeah.

So, anyone that's in a heist movie,

which was cool when you were in that show,

a whiskey cavalier spike crime show you're in these like

three piece suits, you get to actually kick ass.

You're not the guy in the van,

which usually you get typecast as that, because America

is just here that you're like, this guy is genius.

Yeah.

Or he's in the Simpsons.

But one of the two is the thing.

The strange thing with that is,

like I was thinking about it the other day.

I don't mind that accent.

Like I know a lot of like Indian kids

who grew up in America, right.

And who were like,

well, I got bullied because of that accent

and it propagates the wrong stereotypes