Oh gosh.

It is, it's wonderful to be here.

I was actually just in New York.

You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you?

(audience laughs)

Never know what to tip those guys.

(audience laughs)

Big week in my apartment building this week.

Very big week.

The phone book arrived.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, thank god.

(audience laughs)

I don't know how I was getting by without the phone book.

(audience laughs)

Open the door, it was staring up at me from the floor like,

here, we printed a portion of the internet

for you to throw away.

(audience laughs)

It's a lot of fun to tell jokes.

(audience laughs)

I'm just so glad I'm not a magician.

(audience laughs)

Have you taken a moment today

to be grateful that you're not a magician?

(audience laughs)

There's so much pressure.

Comedy audiences come out to have a good time.

Magic is the only kind of entertainment

where 90% of the crowd is trying to ruin it for themselves.

(audience laughs)

Go to a magic show just to see

if close-minded threatened dudes just like, nope.

(audience laughs)

No way, that ain't possible.

Mirror.

(audience laughs)

Some sort of mirror.

You ain't sawing her in half.

(audience laughs)

Like, yeah you did it.

You proved what none of us were trying to prove.

(audience laughs)

The boy onstage is not actually a wizard.

(audience laughs)

And it's always dudes who,

mirror, no, no way.

Girls are into it.

They're like, there is something more.

(audience laughs)

That's how you should be.

That's how I am, I love magic.

Look at my friendly open face.

(audience laughs)

I sit in the front row, do I volunteer?

You're damn right I volunteer.

(audience laughs)

A magician drops his fake thumb,

I didn't see nothin', I wanna believe.

(audience laughs)

I live in a non-magic world all day.

Make it magic.

(audience laughs)

I was at a show recently where I saw a man fly.

Listen to me.

I didn't misspeak.

A man, a wingless mammal took flight.

(audience laughs)

You're not thinking, imagine if I flew right now.

(audience laughs)

If I could figure out the muscle in my butt

that I need to flex, it's working, and I just took off.

(audience laughs)

And I flew above the audience,

picked some of you up with me, we flew around.

(audience laughs)

Best night of our lives.

(audience laughs)

And I saw this.

And suddenly, I'm eight again and I'm filled with majesty.

And a guy next to me, I don't know this guy,

who's this guy?

Leans over me and goes, it's a magnet.

(audience laughs)

Magnet, he can't fly, magnet.

(audience laughs)

First of all, shut your mouth and enjoy the show.

Second of all, that explains nothing.

(audience laughs)

What does that mean?

He stuffs his pocket with magnets?

The stage is a magnet?

That would look terrible.

(audience laughs)

I think those are just two things he doesn't understand.

(audience laughs)

Like, I don't get magnets and I don't get this.

(audience laughs)

This is magnets.

(audience laughs)

One time I had two pieces of metal, they wouldn't touch,

then I flipped one, then they would.

That's how he flies.

(audience laughs)

Must be very frustrating too for the magician

'cause there's no noise to make

when you see a magic trick for the audience.

With comedy, it's very rewarding

'cause there's a built-in biological response,

which is laughter.

But with magic there's nothing.

You can see the best trick in the world,

whatever noise you make sounds condescending and fake.

(audience laughs)

He can be like, okay Pete what was you card?

You can tell me.

Tell us now, what was your card?

It was the three of clubs, okay yeah.

And you signed it?

Is that right, you signed it?

Yeah, okay.

And then you put it in this barrel of fire, is that correct?

(audience laughs)

We all watched as you placed it in a barrel of fire, yeah.

And the whole time I was blindfolded,

upside down in a tank of water, is that correct?

(audience laughs)

Yeah, it's back, three of clubs.

(audience laughs)

And now it's all on you and you just have to be like ooh.

(audience laughs)

How?

(audience laughs)

Not what I expected.

(audience laughs)

It must suck.

I bet it's the dream of every magician in the world

that there would be some sort of

involuntary knee-jerk response to seeing magic.

That they would be like, the tiger was over here.

(air blows)

Voila, it's over here.

And people would just be like,

(Pete screams)

(audience laughs)

(Pete screams)

Oh magic.

(audience claps)

I love your magic.

You don't wanna make this noise,

you have to make this noise.

(Pete screams)

(audience laughs)

Then there are people that don't quite get the trick,

but they fake it.

They're like, oh yeah.

(Pete moans)

(audience laughs)

Magic.

(audience laughs)

Oh the tiger moved.

(Pete mumbles)

Thank you very, very much everybody.

(audience cheers)

You have a great night, appreciate it.