My stupid period.

- Oh no, is it day one? - Day one.

The worst day.

Yeah, I'm sorry man.

What kind of period is it?

What do you mean?

Well in my experience there are eight different periods.

- Eight? - Mhmm, yeah.

You have the leaky one.

This period really likes to ruin your favorite pair of underwear.

Sure, you may have mis-judged the amount of flow coming down the pipeline, but that's no excuse for this period to be as squishy, uncomfortable and just plain rude as it is.

Oh, I know that period well.

Then there's the spotty period.

This one's known for it's inability to make a decision.

Oh, like me.

Yeah, it's a relatable period.

Some have called it the millennial.

Crack myself up.

Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not.

Sure it's not a full fledged lava flow, but it would be easier to predict it if it were.

Hmm, well that is not what this one is.

Okay, well number three is the chunkster period.

Gross.

Yeah, where you blow all kind of bodily debris out of your vagina along with it.

The outcome looks like a murder scene, that's somehow satisfying to see that.

Wow, periods are just nasty.

Yes, yes they are.

But, life isn't always beautiful.

Sometimes it's violent, sometimes it's bloody red, but you know what, it helps us.

We get all of our stuff out, it helps us have babies, so we need it.

We should celebrate 'em. - Yeah that's true.

I mean periods are sort of incredible.

Mhmm.

Okay, so what's next?

Oh, well number four is the phantom period.

Oh, the phantom period.

The one that never, ever shows up.

Even though you still have all of the bloating, and the cramps and the desire to have complete emotional breakdowns.

That's the one.

Well that's not what I have.

We can move on.

Alright, number five.

Surprise bitch! - Ooh!

Sorry.

Yeah, no my old friend, the surprise bitch.

The surprise bitch takes pride in ruining your day by showing up uninvited.

Whether it acts from sheer boredom, or is just a complete sadist, it literally gives zero fucks about you and your plans.

When it's here, it's here.

And then there are the periods that are way too long, and the periods that are way too short.

Oh, I once had mine for 17 days.

- Strange. - Yeah.

I once had mine for 49 minutes.

Also strange.

Yeah, oh and then there's one more.

The one you probably have.

It's the kill me now period.

This period thinks your uterus a gosh darn jungle gym.

It has absolutely no respect for your pain tolerance.

Usually leaving you in such agony that you cannot believe you have to deal with this shit every single month.

Popping a few ibuprofen can dull it's terror for a few hours, but it will come back.

Yeah, that's it.

Sorry girl.

It's okay, do you have any wine?

Yeah, wine, chocolate, on it.

Ugh, thank you so much.

No problem.

I think I just got my period.

Yup there it is.

Oh no, what kind is it?

Feeling like a chunkster.

Oh no, not the chunkster.

Yeah, I just wanna sit and pretend it's not happening.

This couch is burgundy.