We fool ourselves into believing things that are false

我們騙自己相信假象

and we refuse to believe things that are true.

並拒絕相信事實

I was in graduate school

我念研究所時

when I really started delving into the topic of self-deception.

真正深入研究自欺行為

And it rocked my world.

這讓我大開眼界

I saw it everywhere,

我到處都看得到

in everyone.

在每個人身上都看得見

We lie to ourselves about the smallest details,

我們連小事都可以欺騙自己

such as how much we really ate today,

像是今天吃了多少東西

and why we didn't list our actual height and weight

或是為什麼不誠實 將真正的身高體重

on our driver's license.

寫在駕照上

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

We lie to reflect our aspirational goals:

我們自欺來反映個人目標

"I'll only have one glass of wine tonight," --

「我今天喝一杯就好」

when I know I'm drinking at least three. (Laughter)

但我知道自己一定會喝三杯以上 （笑聲）

We lie to uphold social ideals:

我們自欺以符合社會期待

"I never have sexual thoughts with anyone except my spouse,"

「除了我配偶以外 對其它人沒有性幻想」

because that wouldn't be acceptable.

因為這是不被社會所接受的

We lie about our most important life choices,

我們連人生最重要的 決定也欺騙自己

such as why we married who we did, or chose our given career path.

像是為何會跟現在的配偶結婚 或是選擇現在這職業

Unfortunately, for all the romantics out there,

浪漫派的人啊 很抱歉

love is rarely the full motivation for those choices.

因為那些選擇背後 動機並非總是愛

Nowhere was self-deception more obvious than in my romantic relationships.

我自己的戀愛史 大概是自我欺騙最好的例子

I was terrified of being left.

我很害怕被丟下

My fear of abandonment led me to act in ways

這種被拋棄的擔憂 讓我自己做出一些

that are still hard for me to admit --

到現在還不太想承認的事：

anxiously awaiting a phone call,

焦急地等電話

driving to see if he was where he said he would be,

開車去看他是否真 在他說要去的地方

asking repeatedly if he loved me.

不斷地問他是否愛我

At the time, I couldn't have told you any of that,

當時我沒有意識到自己在做這些事

because I wouldn't have been able to admit it to myself.

因為我無法對自己承認

At the core, we lie to ourselves

我們之所以欺騙自己

because we don't have enough physiological strength to admit the truth

因為我們心理不夠強壯 無法承受事實

and deal with the consequences that will follow.

以及應付隨之而來的後果

That said, understanding our self-deception

因此，理解我們的自我欺騙

is the most effective way to live a fulfilling life.

是活得充實最有效的辦法

For when we admit who we really are,

因為當我們承認真實的自己

we have the opportunity to change.

我們就有機會做出改變

It's hard to look at this photo and think,

看到這張照片 大概不會想說：

"Liars!"

「一群騙子！」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But our self-deceptive tendencies start here.

我們自欺的傾向卻是從這開始的

From a very early age we start observing

從很小的時候 我們就開始觀察

and making conclusions about ourselves and our environment.

並對自己以及環境做出結論

Right or wrong, the conclusions we made affected our identity.

不管對錯 這些結論都反映出我們的身份

As adults, we will most want to lie about

身為大人，我們最想騙自己的

how physiologically painful realities experienced as children

就是小時候的痛苦經歷

affected who we are today.

對自己造成多大的影響

Perhaps you were raised in a single parent home,

或許你是在單親家庭中長大

in which you were neglected by your father.

所以被父親所忽略

You learned that something was wrong with you --

你認為好像是自己有問題：

you weren't smart enough, attractive enough, athletic enough.

你不夠聰明、長得不夠好看、不夠強壯

You concluded that to make people love you,

你做出結論：為了讓他人喜歡你

you need to be perfect.

你就得變得完美

As an adult,

身為成人

when someone points out your imperfections,

當有人指出你的不完美

you feel tremendous anxiety but deny where it comes from.

你變得極度焦慮 但卻否認這種感受的來源

Perhaps you felt ugly as a child because you were teased for your appearance.

或許你小時候覺得自己很醜 因為被取笑過外表

You learned to eat in response to emotional pain.

你學會用吃來應付這種情緒痛苦

As an adult, you struggle to maintain a stable weight,

長大後，你體重維持得很辛苦

because your eating has very little to do with hunger.

因為你不是為飢餓而吃

Perhaps you watched your parents fight.

或許你小時候看父母吵架

You learned to avoid conflict.

你學會避免衝突

Now, you struggle to admit even feeling negative emotion.

到現在，你連承認有負面情緒都有困難

Although each of our specific childhood learnings will be unique,

雖然我們每個人的兒時經歷都不同

what we learned will be exemplified in the lies we tell ourselves as adults.

但我們學會的東西 會反映在長大後的自我欺騙上

Psychological theories of human nature can help us understand our self-deception.

人性的心理學理論 可以幫助我們了解自欺

Sigmund Freud first described lying through ego-defense mechanisms:

佛洛伊德首先描述了 利用自我防衛機制來欺騙

Psychological strategies that protect our egos

自我防衛的生理策略

-- our core sense of self --

──自我意識的核心──

from information that would hurt us.

以免接受會傷害我們的資訊

Denial:

否認：

Refusing to believe that something is true,

拒絕承認事實

even though it is.

即使那就攤在你眼前

"I don't have a problem with alcohol," --

「我沒有酗酒問題」

even though I drink everyday.

即使我每天喝酒

"I'm not jealous," --

「我才沒有吃醋」

even though I secretly check my partner's email.

雖然我都偷看另一半的 email

Rationalization:

合理化：

Creating a reason to excuse ourselves.

編造理由替自己開脫

"I wouldn't have yelled at you if you hadn't treated me so unfairly,"

「如果你對我好一點 我就不會兇你」

thereby justifying my yelling.

因此將自己的大吼大叫合理化

"I know that smoking isn't good for my health,

「我知道抽菸對身體不好

but it helps me relax,"

但它可以幫助我放鬆」

thereby justifying my smoking.

因此將自己的抽菸合理化

Projection:

投射：

Taking an undesirable aspect of ourselves and ascribing it to someone else.

將我們不喜歡自己的那一面 加諸於別人身上

"I'm not like that. You're like that."

「我才沒有那樣，是你才那樣」

When dating someone you've lost interest in,

當跟自己已經不喜歡的人約會時

you say things like,

會說

"You're not ready for this relationship,"

「你還沒準備好投入這段感情」

when, in fact, you're not ready for this relationship

而其實是你自己 還沒準備好投入這段感情

and never will be!

而且永遠都不會準備好！

Pioneers in the cognitive-behavioral realms

認知行為領域的權威

describe how our thoughts deceive us

描述我們的想法是如何欺騙自己的

through cognitive distortions -- irrational ways we think.

這是透過認知扭曲── 我們不理性的思考

Polarized Thinking: Thinking in extremes.

極端化思考：非黑即白

“I will either eat no cookies or an entire box,

「我要嘛一片餅乾都不吃 要嘛吃掉整盒

because if I eat one cookie,

因為如果我吃一片

I've already blown my diet, so I might as well keep eating.”

那我減肥就破功了 不如繼續吃」

Emotional Reasoning:

情緒化推理：

Thinking that our feelings accurately reflect reality.

認為我們的感受是現實的正確反映

“I feel hurt; so you must have done something bad to me.”

「我受傷了，一定是你待我不好」

“I feel stupid; consequently I am stupid.”

「我覺得自己好笨 所以我是真的很笨」

Overgeneralization:

以偏概全：

Taking a single negative event as an infinite spiral of defeat.

把一次負面的事 當成是永遠的失敗

After going through a bad breakup, you think,

一次痛苦分手過後，會想：

“I am always going to be alone.”

「我要孤單一輩子了」

After getting denied a promotion at work, you think,

職場被拒絕升遷，就想：

“I am never going to be successful in my career.”

「我在這一行永遠無法成功」

From an existential perspective,

用存在主義的話來說

we deceive ourselves to avoid the Givens of Life --

我們欺騙自己 而不去面對宿命

the fundamental realities of "being human" that we must face.

也就是「身為人類」 所必須面臨的最基本現實

Death – we’re all going to die;

死亡：我們總有一天會死

Ultimate aloneness --

孤老一生：

we were born as a single person housed in a solitary physical body;

我們本來就是 孤伶伶地來到這世上

Meaninglessness --

無意義感：

our lives are inherently meaningless unless we give them meaning;

人生原本就沒意義 除非我們賦予其意義

and Freedom --

還有自由：

we are responsible for ourselves because we have the freedom of choice.

我們對自己有責任 因為我們有選擇的自由

To avoid confronting these realities, we frequently lie to ourselves:

為了避免面對這些現實 我們經常欺騙自己：

“I am this way because of my upbringing;” --

「我會變成這樣 是因為我是這樣被教大的」

thereby deferring responsibility for my choices.

因此將自己的選擇推給別人

“The bad things on the news would never happen to me;” --

「電視上的悲劇新聞 絕對不會發生在我身上」

because I am somehow special, and uniquely protected from harm.

因為我是特別的 壞事不會發生在我身上

“I won’t write a will. I am young. I’m not going to die anyway;” --

「我才不要立遺囑 我還年輕，不會死」

thereby denying our mortality.

因此否認了自己總有一天會死

Multicultural and feminist psychologists

多文化和女性主義心理學家

describe how internalization of cultural norms affect us.

描述將文化標準內化 會如何影響我們

Here, we deceive ourselves by believing

會因此欺騙自己

what we were culturally conditioned to believe is true,

去相信文化上所認為對的事情

instead of deciding what we actually believe is true.

而不是以自己真正 認為對的事情來做決定

Do you compromise yourself to meet cultural norms?

你是否為了符合社會期待 而遷就自己？

Do you think you need to look a certain way,

你是否覺得自己該長什麼樣子

be a certain weight,

體重要多重

earn a certain income,

需要賺多少錢

get married, have children, be religious

結婚、生子、信奉某種信仰

because you are supposed to

因為你應該這麼做

or because you believe that it's right for you?

還是因為你認為這才是對的行為？

All of these theories of human nature help us understand

所有關於人性的理論 能幫助我們了解

how we deceive ourselves on a daily basis.

人類是如何每天欺騙自己的

Why should you care?

我們又為何要在乎？

Self-deception leads to massive amounts of pain and regret.

因為自我欺騙會導致 極度痛苦跟後悔

To avoid being honest,

為了避免對自己誠實

we frequently make choices with harmful consequences

我們做出的決定通常會

to ourselves and others --

傷害自己或他人

we may use drugs, alcohol, eat, shop, gamble, steal, lie, leave people

我們可能會訴諸毒品、酒精、食物、 購物、賭博、偷竊、撒謊、離開別人

or pass our emotional baggage down to those we love the most.

或是將情緒包袱丟給我們摯愛的人

Or, we may choose not to change

或是，選擇不改變

even when we are miserable

即使我們活得痛苦

or causing profound harm to those around us.

或是對身邊的人造成很大的傷害

Looking back at life with regret is incredibly painful,

後悔著回顧人生是很痛苦的一件事

because you can’t change your choices in the past.

因為你沒辦法改變過去的決定

As I shared earlier,

如我稍早分享的

I struggled greatly in my romantic relationships.

我的戀愛關係非常糾結

I knew that I didn't feel safe,

我知道自己沒有安全感

but I believed it was my boyfriend’s fault --

但我相信那是我男友的錯

if he just called me more, told me he loved me more,

如果他常打電話給我 或是多說他愛我

then I would feel safe.

我就會安心

The truth was

但事實是

there was nothing he could do to make me feel safe,

不管他做什麼都 沒辦法讓我有安全感

because my feelings had nothing to do with him.

因為我的感受跟他無關

The reason I didn't feel safe is that I learned as a child

我之所以沒有安全感 是我小時候學到

that people would always leave me,

其他人一定會離開我

and I lived my life making choices consistent with that belief.

而我人生做的很多決定 都跟那個認知有關

When we don't take full responsibility for who we are,

當我們不對自己負全責

we hurt ourselves and everyone around us.

我們不只會傷害自己 也會傷害周遭的人

Now what?

那現在怎麼辦？

How do we start acknowledging the lies we tell ourselves?

我們要怎麼開始 承認那些自欺的謊？

How do we start becoming more honest liars?

我們要怎麼開始 當個誠實的騙子？

The first step is self-awareness --

第一步是自覺：

we become observers of ourselves.

我們開始審視自己

When you have a strong emotional reaction to something,

當你對某件事有強烈情緒反應

pause.

暫停一下

When what you say doesn't match how you act,

當你所說的跟做的不一樣

pause.

暫停一下

When you’re thinking irrational thoughts,

當你開始有不理智的想法

pause.

暫停一下

Ask yourself:

捫心自問：

What does this say about me?

我這麼做所反映出的 是什麼樣的我？

Similarly, most of us spend a tremendous amount of energy

同樣地，我們很多人花費大把心力

trying to get over someone or something that happened to us.

試圖忘掉某人或某事

And we generally avoid examining our contribution to conflict in our lives.

然後不去檢視人生衝突的原因

When you are unresolved about something or someone,

當你對某人或某事有未決的想法

pause.

暫停一下

Ask yourself:

捫心自問：

What does my reaction to this situation say about me?

我對這情況的反應 所反映出的是什麼樣的我？

As we become more honest and aware,

當我們變得越來越誠實及自覺

we also become more responsible for our choices.

我們對於自己的選擇也會變得更負責

If we admit that we are insecure about something

如果我們能承認 對某件事感到不安

-- which we all are --

這是每個人都經歷過的

we're now confronted with a choice:

那我們眼前就有了選擇

to work on our insecurity or not.

是否要迎頭解決這種不安全感

Whatever we decide,

不管我們做什麼決定

we are now more responsible for the consequences of our insecurity,

我們現在對於不安全感的後果 都有較多的責任

because we know better.

因為我們學聰明了

Not changing when confronted with the truth is a choice.

面對事實時不願改變也是種選擇

Although we can’t control many circumstances we encounter in life,

雖然我們無法控制要面臨的事

we are responsible for our reactions to all of them.

但我們可以對自己的行為負責

In that vein, one of the best ways

誠實面對自我欺騙

to confront our self-deception

其中一種最好的方式

is psychotherapy.

就是心理治療

It is probably the only relationship

這大概是你們生命中

that you will ever have in your entire life

唯一一段

that exists solely to benefit you.

純粹對你好的關係

Yet, a great deal of stigma exists around therapy.

但是，心理治療也背負許多汙名

People frequently say things like,

很多人常會說

“I don't need therapy.

「我不需要心理治療」

It’s only for crazy or weak people who can't help themselves.”

「那是瘋癲、軟弱、 無法自救的人才需要」

The truth is, it takes tremendous courage

事實上，這需要很大的勇氣

to be completely vulnerable to another human being.

才能在另一個人面前 呈現完全脆弱的自己

Therapy is truly a gift if you are courageous enough to accept it.

如果你能勇敢地接受 心理治療會是一種禮物

Confronting our self-deception is a lifelong journey.

面對自我欺騙是條很長的路

We change and the world offers us new opportunities

我們做出改變 而世界將提供新機會

to understand ourselves.

來了解自我

There is always more to learn.

總是有更多東西要學

I was on the perfect path to be a successful academic.

我本來的學術生涯走得很順遂

I received tenure here at UNLV, two years ago.

我兩年前取得 UNLV （內華達大學拉斯維加斯分校） 的終身職

And in about six weeks, I will be unemployed,

不過再六週，我就要面臨失業

because I resigned.

因為我辭職了

Getting tenure and then quitting

拿到終身職然後辭職

is about the last thing anyone would expect from a faculty member.

對教職人員來說 大概是不可能的事

Especially me. I love psychology!

尤其是我，我超愛心理學！

I love teaching. I love research. I love my department.

我愛教書、研究、學校部門

I had an amazing experience at UNLV.

我在 UNLV 有很棒的回憶

But the truth is, my passion isn't in academia anymore.

但事實是 我的熱忱已不在學術領域了

To admit that to myself was brutally painful!

對我自己承認 真是很痛苦的一件事

Because I had to confront all of my self-deceptive tendencies and insecurities.

因為我必須面對自己的自欺欺人 以及不安全感

"What if I disappoint people?

「如果我讓他人失望怎麼辦？」

What will my family say?

「我家人會說什麼？」

What am I gonna do? What if I can’t support myself?

「我之後要做什麼？」 「我養不活自己怎麼辦？」

Who am I if I am not a professor?

「如果我不是教授，那我又是什麼？」

What if my whole life changes!?

「我的人生完全變樣怎麼辦？！」

What if my whole life doesn't change?"

「但我的人生不變又會怎樣？」

If I had chosen to stay in academia,

如果我繼續待在學術領域

I would have paid a huge psychological price.

我會付出極大的心理代價

I would have to admit that I was not strong enough

我就得承認自己不夠堅強

to make different choices for myself when confronted with the truth.

代表面對事實的時候 無法替自己做出改變

Be more honest liars.

當誠實一點的騙子吧

Choose to become more honest about the lies you tell yourself.