The Cringiest CeWEBrity Profiles - Tosh.0 - VoiceTube: Learn English through videos!

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(rock music)
>>: Hey, everybody it's your favorite burping girl.
And today we're at the grocery store
and we're going to be burping on your grocery.
(burps)
(burps)
(burps)
(burps)
I smell like a good old fart.
(rock music)
(soft music)
My morning coffee is kicking in.
I'm going to have to drop anchor real soon.
It's never easy to find a bathroom at a grocery store.
It's usually behind a butcher counter for some reason,
we're probably not allowed to use it in Gilead.
We can't do anything except when we need to
move the story along,
then somehow we get away with everything.
(burps)
(screams)
>>: I didn't do anything you old cow.
>>: I'm off Tom Brady, but you can call me Andrea.
>>: Nice to meet you.
Are you new? >>: Yes.
>>: So how long have you been making burp videos?
>>: A little over a year.
>>: Why? >>: 'Cause I'm freaky.
>>: Okay. Do you only burp in public?
(burps)
(burps)
(bleep)
>>: I burp and I fat, I gag and spit,
just everything that's gross with everybody.
>>: Okay. >>: Burping girl is a fetish.
It's also comedy and it's like the wow factor.
So I cater for all three.
>>: Have you always been good at burping?
>>: I'm good at being a fat girl.
>>: Ohh. (burps)
(farts)
>>: Do you not eat healthy? >>: No.
>>: What's your favorite meal? >>: Pizza.
>>: What kind of quantity are we talking about?
>>: Like two medium pizza as--.
>>: Two mediums? >>: Yeah
>>: I never understand people that buy two mediums.
Why not just probably two larges?
>>: You get $5.99 If you buy two from Domino's.
>>: Domino's pizza,
their whole advertising campaign for the past six years
has been apologizing for how horrible their pizza is.
It's a weird strategy.
(burps)
(burps)
(burps)
(bleep)
Do you ever say, excuse me in your videos?
>>: Sometimes I do, but I don't mean it.
>>: I can't guess your age.
>>: I'm 14. >>: What?
>>: I'm 29, but 14 in fetish years.
>>: How many fetishes are you into?
>>: Gassy girl, I like fore skin.
I like musty boys, blowjobs for sure.
>>: Okay. Tell me about your greatest burp.
Sorry there is a blow over that blow job.
>>: My greatest burps are the ones
that make my eyes roll back.
(burps)
>>: You ever try harmonizing your burps?
>>: No. >>: We could do it together.
(both burping)
>>: That was music. >>: Normally it's sick.
You were born a boy. >>: Yeah.
>>: Does that take away some of the allure of being
such an amazing burper. People like,
well, of course you're such a good burper because most born
females aren't good burpers. Would you say that's true?
>>: Well, Hormones have taken every testosterone
out of my body. So these aren't girl burps.
>>: Have you had a... (whistles)
>>: If I did then I wouldn't be a fetish.
>>: Have you ever thought of maybe having the surgery,
so that you could get into the queefing fetish?
>>: If I had somebody to pay for it? Yes.
(farts)
(burps)
(burps)
>>: Are you dating that. Can I talk--
>>: I'm married, to a woman.
>>: Was she born a woman? >>: Maybe.
>>: Okay. That's not, that's not,
I don't--sometimes I don't know what questions
I ask are inappropriate.
If you don't want to share that, that's fine.
>>: Well, let's just say it's beef, but it smells like fish.
(sighs)
>>: Yeah. >>: That is disgusting.
(soft music)
Oh, shit.
Are any of the handmaids wearing this like this?
(burps)
(all) Nasty bitch. (burps)
(all) Nasty bitch. (burps)
(all) Nasty bitch.
>>: So, look at this. I mean, come on, Gilead.
>>: Ow. >>: Do you like potatoes?
>>: Not ones that look like ball sacks, No.
>>: What's your preferred style of French fry?
>>: I like curly.
>>: Curly is the right answer.
>>: Whoo, I love her curly fry,
almost makes me consider going back to Arby's.
That sounds good. Doesn't it?
Oh, I miss Arby's, Goddamn you Gilead.
Who is that gross guy that allows you to burp in his mouth
in your videos? (burps)
>>: My ex-boyfriend. He wanted to get back with me.
So he'll say he'd do anything for me.
>>: That was so freaking hot.
(burps)
(burps)
>>: What grosses you out?
>>: Poop.
>>: Poop grosses you out?
>>: I'll poop on somebody.
I just don't want nobody to poop on me.
>>: Has there ever been a video where you're like,
"Oh, man, I wish I wouldn't have done that."
>>: The grocery store video.
'Cause it went viral, the clip.
I was burping on groceries, on boxes,
but the internet took it as I was tampering with food,
getting my germs all over it.
>>: Oh, I certainly didn't look at it that way.
I mean, just, just, just talking over groceries
is going to get your germs and stuff.
>>: You don't need the box.
(laughs)
>>: Yeah.
You get it. Let me check my list.
Unlabeled juice. I need a couple potatoes,
grab one more thing for my commander
and we get out of here.
Oh, I'm sad.
Samples.
Jeez.
Oh, those are good.
Oh, Gilead, I just got a little bit spicy
and now the trade of Josey is carrying
the new flaming hot Doritos.
Just make sure you wash your hand
before you give your commander a handy.
Learned that the hard way.
>>: Quick, you have to come with me.
I'm with the resistance.
We're sneaking you across the border to Canada.
>>: Canada? (bleep) that.
I'd rather be on the wall.
>>: Yay, Canada. I love putting burps.
(burps)
>>: So sick of people telling me how cool to run away.
(bleep), it sucks.
(chokes)
>>: I couldn't help but wonder, was Canada even for me?
Or would I miss it here.
Did I love big or did I just love being comfortable?
Oh, shit. I'm doing a sex in the city monologue now.
(audience clapping)
>>: Welcome to sex talk with my mom.
Today we are together and we're doing...
(sings)
A sperm test.
>>: 'Cause it always comes down to Kim's
premature ejaculation issues.
(mumbles)
>>: You bring it there.
People are going into the--
>>: People are going into the bath and enjoying.
Are you kidding me?
You're not going to be the dummy, you're gonna be the sub.
>>: (laughs) Okay, mother.
I will come so quickly.
(laughs)
...walking on the streets, just, coming in your pants down.
(rock music)
>>: That's a good point but it's not like
you can unbreak a hymen.
>>: Mom, I didn't break the hymen.
I guess you could say a lot about prolapsing the hard way.
>>: Are you talking about the pink sac?
>>: Ew!
>>: That's scatting.
It's not just for Germans anymore.
>>: Mom, when was scatting ever for Germans?
(knock at door) Come in.
>>: Hey Daniel. Thanks for coming on the podcast.
>>: Oh, I've never been asked to be on a podcast before.
Oh, this is so nice.
>>: Normally, guests sit in the chair over here.
>>: If this bed could talk.
Guys, thank you for inviting me into your home.
Lovely. >>: Welcome.
>>: Where are you from?
>>: Chicago originally, but I moved here two years ago.
>>: Why?
>>: I have a boyfriend that lives here.
>>: You have a boyfriend?
How does that make your father and husband feel.
>>: He was murdered, unfortunately.
>>: Holy shit! This started off. >>: Yeah, it got real dark.
>>: How far in the past is that?
We're not leaving it just yet.
>>: It's 12 years? >>: Yeah, 12 years.
>>: God, I'm horribly sorry. >>: Thank you.
>>: So you guys have a podcast for people
that like to have sex with their moms.
>>: No!
>>: Sex talk with my mom.
That's in another words, we're opening communication
between children and their parents about sex.
>>: Do you know a lot of people who wanna have sex
with their mother? >>: That's what I was thinking.
I was like, how many people in this country?
'Cause you have a lot of viewers.
>>: Yeah, we have a ton of viewers.
>>: And all of them wanna have sex with their mom.
>>: No. >>: No.
>>: All of them want to have sex with your mom.
>>: No. >>: Well, perhaps some.
>>: Yeah, kinda.
>>: Whose idea was it to do the podcast
and how long have you been doing it?
>>: She wrote a book called
"The Cougar's Guide to Getting Your Ass Back Out There."
>>: Yeah, and I started a YouTube channel,
which was mainly to help other women
going through being single again.
And it turned out there were just a bunch of horny guys
who just like, wanted to know cougars.
>>: How did you end up, uh...
you know. >>: With this guy?
>>: Yeah, bringing him into the mix?
>>: Well, I was doing standup for the time.
>>: And he read passages out of it.
>>: This is from a chapter called,
Release Your Inner Stripper.
I was like, well, we're using the same material,
why don't we just like collaborate?
>>: Are you the only sibling?
>>: No. >>: No, there are two.
>>: Is the other one jealous of your relationship?
>>: It's a good question.
>>: I don't think either of them really want
that relationship with her.
>>: I always grew up my relationship with my mother
totally comfortable with her making out
with my dad or whatever.
Like it never grossed me out.
Does it bother you to think of your mother
as a sexual person?
>>: No, I'd hope she's having a robust sex life.
>>: Oh, she is. >>: Yeah.
More robust than my own, actually.
(all laughing)
All right, let's take a few calls.
>>: Okay.
(man on phone) Is this boy gonna bang his mom or what?
>>: The mother and son porn genre is booming.
Are there offers for you two to put out a sex tape?
>>: No. >>: No.
What type of porn do you like?
>>: I like stills on Instagram of my exes.
(laughing)
Do you find that sex has gotten better
as you've aged? >>: Absolutely.
I invented the word Cougar to be a confident,
older, unique, genuine, assertive, and racy woman.
>>: I hate acronyms.
>>: Oh, I like that one though.
If you say cougar,
you get this image of this predatory being.
I don't wanna think that.
>>: When I think of cougar, I think of an older woman
who wants to bang younger dudes.
>>: That's why I wanted to do the acronym.
>>: I know, but the acronym is so long,
I don't remember one of the letters.
>>: Confident. >>: And then I've learned
to spell with acronyms, which I'm not good at either.
(woman on phone) Hi. This is a question for Cam.
Can you talk in a girl's voice?
I'm having a real hard time finishing.
(man on phone) Hey Karen,
how about you let me in your butt.
>>: I mean, how many topics can there actually be to discuss?
>>: It never ends.
One guy actually offered to have me shit in the toilet
and then he was gonna eat it
and he was gonna give me three grand.
>>: When? Yeah, yeah, okay. So you did that.
>>: No, I did not. >>: You wanted four grands?
>>: Yes, I did, what do you think, I'm cheap?
>>: Three grands is not cheap. >>: I would have done it.
>>: What do you think your shit's worth?
>>: Probably a good 50 bucks.
>>: Have you ever seen your mother naked?
>>: No, I haven't seen.... >>: No!
...you naked. >>: Maybe when I was
a little baby.
>>: I remember looking at my mom's shirt before.
I can remember like, "Oh, I remember seeing her nipple."
>>: Were you excited by that?
>>: No, but I remember thinking like,
do all women's nipples look like that, you know.
>>: Wait, wait, what is this? >>: That was the nipple,
that was like... >>: Your mom had a
nipple like this? >>: It was a pokie nipple?
>>: She had four kids, breast-fed all of 'em.
Did you breastfeed your children?
>>: Only the first for like six weeks.
>>: Would you do it now on camera?
Wait for the offer.
(man on phone) I'm gonna bang your mom
and make you my step son.
(man on phone) I go for real cougar attaches.
>>: Were you a strict parent? >>: No, I was a cool mom.
>>: I always was scared of cool moms.
>>: Why?
>>: I don't know if that's what you wanna be sometimes.
>>: Don't you want your wife to be a cool mom?
>>: Nope.
Because a lot of them don't associate the cool mom
with like your friends going to like,
"I'd hook up with your mom."
'Cause then you feel this weird need to like bulk up
and like, "Hey man, knock it off with my mom."
Well, so when I was in college-
>>: Well, you're showing them because now you're banging her.
You're on "America's Got Talent?"
>>: Yeah. We're like kind of a choreographed spitting team.
(dramatic music)
>>: You come from a long line of spitters?
(laughing)
Are there any topics that are off limits?
>>: We didn't need to talk about your anal experiences
as much as we have.
>>: Like anal play more than I liked the actual
dick in the ass thing.
I did not talk about anal experience,
I said I like anal play.
>>: That's different.
Do you ever like delve into the world of politics
or finances or any of that stuff?
>>: Nah, except we're talking my finances--
>>: In terms of like, we need to sell some fucking vibrators
for me to make rent.
>>: Then you guys used to have your own line of vibrators?
>>: No, but I did get him and my boyfriend fleshlights.
You don't know what fleshlights are?
>>: I know what a fleshlight is, mother.
>>: A fleshlight.
>>: Have you tried one? >>: Yeah, of course.
But then the shame of cleaning it.
It's like, alright, you know what, I'll buy a new one.
>>: It's the last thing you wanna do after you ejaculate
is clean out the semen. >>: Sure.
Well, I put it in the dishwasher.
>>: It's not a bad idea.
>>: Well, I mean Rufina does, but regardless.
>>: Who's that? >>: That's my housekeeper.
>>: Your housekeeper cleans out your fleshlight
in the dishwasher?
>>: She doesn't know what it is.
(man on phone) Thanks for taking my call.
I think the podcast is super helpful.
Especially if you're trying to blast nuts to a hot MILF,
talking about ass sex.
I'd like to apologize.
That's my immature fan base.
They get a little honest,
>>: When you get them all horned up.
>>: Alright, I think it's time to wrap it up.
Thanks for coming out.
>>: Thank you. Where's this going to air?
>>: Oh, it's just did.
>>: Podcasts work.
I've got some bad news for you.
In addition to being a huge celebrity,
I'm also a volunteer child protective service agent.
Boom!
>>: It's upside down. >>: Still valid.
>>: We don't have sex with each other.
>>: How many times do I have to tell you that Daniel?
>>: Okay. Then explain to me why you bought this inappropriate
mother's day gift for her.
>>: You planted that.
>>: Go to the judge you perverts,
take them away boys.
>>: Can I keep that? >>: Yes.
(audience clapping)
>>: Hi, guys. Welcome to my channel.
I'm Dr. Sandra Lee also known as Dr. Pimple popper.
I'm gonna post blackhead extractions.
(woman) Look at that.
That's pretty cool.
>>: Cyst being popped.
I heard you too much. I know I'm starting to push,
push around. I'm sorry.
I made you yelling now.
That's why it's for telling you
Like homeless being removed from the skin
>>: Because I know you guys love them and I love that,
you love that.
Enjoy.
(upbeat music) (audience clapping)
>>: Hey, what are you aiming for?
Ooh. (laughing)
Ooh.
Ooh.
I think the chiropractor is down the hall.
>>: I'm not a hunchback. It's a cyst.
(voice) Daniel. Dr. Pimple popper will see you now.
>>: When did you realize you had a passion
for popping pimples?
>>: I started to post popping videos or blackhead extractions
about a year ago on my Instagram and on my YouTube channel.
And they just got more interest.
So I went in and I went and looked
and I saw that there's a whole community.
There's a subcultural- >>: There's always is.
>>: Who just host popping videos and share them with each other.
>>: Well, there your Instagram is very confusing.
'Cause you have like normal everyday life, like,
hey, this is me out and about sexy voters.
Next thing is the most horrific extraction I've ever seen.
>>: The goal is to try to get this out
of a smaller little area.
>>: How's that? Okay.
Not bad. Right?
I'm showing that I'm a real person.
You know that I may be a physician
and I do all these surgeries,
but I'm a girl too.
Like, you know, all my girlfriends,
I like to hang out with them.
I have a husband and he's a dermatologist.
>>: Do patients get upset when they get your husband
and not you?
>>: Yeah, sometimes. (laughing)
>>: What type of person likes to watch?
>>: Most of them are women. I will have to say. I think.
>>: Women love poppings. >>: Yes. They do.
>>: I had two older sisters as a kid,
or they couldn't be happier getting in on me?
>>: I do know though that a lot of people like these videos
because they relax them.
They help decrease anxiety.
They watch them during panic attacks.
They watch it before they go to sleep.
>>: Yeah. That's not, none of this is true.
You're making that up.
That is completely horse(bleep).
Nobody watches that video and then takes a nap.
>>: It's like ready to come.
It's like, I need a suction, Micah.
Like they do with babies.
>>: What race of people has the best skin?
>>: It's true that the darker you are,
the less likely you are to develop wrinkles over time.
Lighter complected people
are gonna have more of those fine lines and wrinkles.
So they look older, probably sooner than Asians.
African-Americans has Hispanics, all of us darker.
>>: So you guys win that one category.
>>: Yeah, well, we win a couple of that.
>>: Do you have to talk your patients into this?
>>: No, not usually.
In fact, now people come from around the world.
I've had people come from London,
from Saudi Arabia for me to pop their zits.
>>: Are you making more money
off your videos now than you are your practice?
>>: No.
>>: Are there people that are
watching it for a pleasure sexual?
>>: I'm sure there's people that watch anything
everything for that.
But I think they're in the minority.
It's not really a fetish.
It's more, you know, it's like riding a roller coaster
or watching a scary movie.
I think it makes people happy.
>>: I don't know.
I, I think fetish might- >>: Does it make you happy?
>>: I think there's more fetish people in there too combined
with the fact that you're Asian.
That's a double whammy for a lot of people.
>>: Maybe.
>>: I want to know how nasty these people are.
>>: They aren't nasty.
They're my patients
and they're absolutely love-- >>: Filthy, filthy monsters.
>>: No, not at all, no. >>: Why is it getting that bad?
>>: You know, the biggest blackheads come
from older patients who have poor eyesight,
who have arthritis in their hands.
And they just are not aware
that these things are even on their skin.
The big growth that we usually see
especially in another areas, tend to be men.
And I tell them, don't worry about it.
I've seen a lot of skin tags.
And then they pull down their pants and I had
one guy with like the size
of a racquetball and on his butt, like a piece of his butt.
This has been going for how long?
(patient) Oh, a number of years.
(doctor) Yeah. Okay, good.
All gone.
>>: What'd you do with that disgusting skin tag
after you cut it off?
>>: I made it into a key chain.
>>: Oh, you nasty bitch. (audience laughter)
Does anything gross you out?
>>: Recently I had this woman who we moved to Pilar cyst
a big benign cyst, like about this big,
you know, on her head.
And it was soft.
Like, it was like a, like a balloon, but I took it
out whole, but when I cut into it, after, as I cut into it
on the table, it was like black mud that came out.
>>: You nasty bitch.
Talk about the smell.
>>: You know what it smells like in general?
It smells like some of those more strong cheeses.
>>: Okay, that's not good.
What's the worst bodily fluid?
>>: I don't know the worst bodily fluid, diarrhea.
(all laughing)
>>: Diarrhea is bad.
What are those (bleep) beans?
When the beans come out of people, that I'd lose my mind.
(doctor) No, you just say, "Oh, well, look at that.
You know, that kind of-
>>: You've got a magic bean in you.
What's the closest
to the butt hole that you've ever had to do an extraction?
>>: I don't do the butt hole.
>>: What, would you just let them die?
>>: I don't do that!
There's like Pilonidal cysts, which occur like right
above the rectum there.
But I, that's not my domain. I don't do that.
I'm out. (all laughing)
>>: When you see guys naked all the time.
>>: Yes. >>: Is it uncomfortable for you?
At all?
>>: No, it's not uncomfortable,
but I will tell you something funny that I used to work
with, I worked with a dermatologist who said
that if they were examining a guy and he got-
(Daniel) Aroused? >>: A hard-on, yeah, aroused.
>>: Don't say hard-on, you're a doctor.
>>: Oh, sorry, you're supposed to flick it.
That's what they were doing. They're flicking it.
I've never had to do that.
>>: If you flick my dong. >>: I know.
Oh, I would be so into that.
(laughing)
Yeah, if you flick a weenie like that.
Like do one of those, those pops.
Oh, if you could tuck it back behind that.
Oh, that'll hurt him.
>>: Okay. I'll have to try that out.
>>: Or make him finish.
This has all been very informative.
You know, celebrities have been cashing in
on their terrible skin for years.
It's time I got in on the action.
Everyone knows I have flawless skin,
but sometimes before shows, I get a small,
barely noticeable stress boil.
I can't wait three days for my skin to slightly improve.
I need a more proactive approach.
That's why Dr. Pimple Popper is my main squeeze.
(audience exclaiming) (squishing noises)
The first sign of a blemish
and I want all hands on zit.
Don't stop squeezing until there's blood on the mirror.
>>: Thanks to my sexy Asian fingers.
The results are instant.
>>: And the explosive release feels better
than the best orgasm.
Plus, a little scarring makes you look like a man.
Got this one from a zit.
This one from a shark.
(narrator) Call now, and she'll throw in two
Biore back-ne strips for free.
(ripping sound) (screaming)
(bleep)
>>: When you drank your urine
you become aware of the absolute need for honesty
in all moments.
Like I said, I'm going to gargle and swish
maybe three, at least three times a day.
I'm going to do a very big urine treatment.
I want to conquer this affliction.
And I took ibuprofen for,
ibuprofen and naproxen for a couple of days,
and neither one was really helping.
Yeah, the pain relief.
And you're in therapy and not messing around.
It's amazing.
You can't buy anything like it.
Anywhere. Only you can make it, right?
(upbeat music) (audience applause)
>>: Lemonade.
Life gives you lemons,
make lemonade, lemonade.
Lemonade. Hey.
Beat it, scumbag. (urinating)
This is my turf, everyone knows it.
Sell your lemonade somewhere else.
>>: It's not a lemonade stand, it's a wee-wee stand.
>>: Oh, you nasty bitch.
Hey but if you don't mind me asking,
how much you charging?
>>: It's free.
>>: Giving away the first taste to get all the kids hooked.
Smart. Why is your pee so dark?
Are you drinking enough water?
>>: I'm drinking enough water.
>>: Okay. What made you want to try it?
>>: I was, I was desperately sick.
>>: Uh-ha. >>: And been sick for years.
I was tired of being sick and I was just like
there's gotta be something besides medicine.
>>: What kind of sickness do you have,
if you don't mind me asking?
>>: Malignant melanoma.
In 2004, they gave me a year to live.
>>: Oh, wow. >>: Yeah. Cancer.
>>: And one year into the treatment,
you were like, I'll try anything.
Or was it-- >>: I didn't do their chemo
or anything-- >>: Oh, you didn't do it at all.
>>: I did the surgery.
They took 17 lymph nodes and found cancer in four of them.
>>: And you're like, that's enough.
>>: Yep. No more surgery.
I gotta find another way.
I've had seven doctors shake my hand and say
I need to shake your hand.
I've never met anybody that made it through that.
>>: Do they wash immediately afterwards?
(laughing)
Have you ever had a shit sandwich?
Yes or no?
>>: No. I'm not into that.
That part of it.
>>: What does urine taste like?
>>: It depends on what I eat.
If I eat asparagus, I have to dump it.
I'm like, (choking)
>>: You can't drink it.
You've tried though
asparagus pee? >>: Oh, yeah.
And shrimp. >>: Shrimp?
>>: Makes it taste like (gagging)
>>: But it doesn't make it smell different?
>>: I mean, you can't hardly even stomach it.
It is so bad.
>>: How much do you actually drink?
>>: I used to drink about a gallon a day.
>>: Who pees a gallon a day?
>>: Well, the more you drink, the more you get.
'Cause it makes it water wetter.
It makes the water in your body wetter.
And you produce more pee.
>>: Huh? I don't agree with that at all.
Explain to me the process of collecting your pee.
>>: You've got to catch the midstream.
So you let a little go.
>>: My mom used to always say
that when I would, when I would go take a little pee tests
or whatever. >>: Right.
>>: You don't, pee first into the toilet,
then cut it off.
Which takes practice.
>>: Yeah, lots of practice. >>: Okay. Go on.
>>: So you're drinking that clean stuff
in the middle. >>: Mm, that good clean piss.
(laughs) Okay.
And do you, do you, every time you pee
do you save it or no?
>>: Yeah, you save it and then use it for different things.
You can, you know, put it
in a bath and that way you get it all through your all-skin.
>>: No, I wouldn't think that that's a good idea.
'Cause pee kind of smells.
>>: Well. Yeah.
So you add a few like lavender essence oils.
>>: Do you add cream or sugar to your pee,
or do you take it yellow?
>>: Straight. I'm a cowboy pee drinker.
>>: You ever put an ice cube in it?
>>: No. 'Cause I like it warm.
>>: You like it warm. >>: Straight from the spigot.
(laughing)
>>: From the spigot.
I can almost reach.
The warmth is what I think I would struggle with the most.
If you drink coffee
and then drink your pee, is your pee caffeinated?
>>: Yeah, because if I drink, say, a shot of vodka...
>>: Uh-ha. >>: ...you know, when I go pee
and then drink it and it taste a little like vodka.
You can get a buzz. >>: You can get drunk twice?
Oh, wow.
In the winter, do you eat the yellow snow?
>>: That's the good stuff.
>>: Would you recommend everyone start drinking their pee?
Even people that aren't sick.
>>: I absolutely would.
>>: And there's no scientific proof
behind urine being good for any ailments, or is there?
>>: There is.
Well, you know, I don't know what you would call scientific.
>>: Well, like a scientist came up with it.
>>: Mm, no. >>: Yeah.
That's what I thought.
>>: Oh, excuse me, Daniel. I need to use the restroom.
>>: Well, grab a glass. (chimes ringing)
Right, So that's an actual glass of your urine.
(bells dinging)
Very fresh.
>>: Very fresh.
>>: It looks pretty dark.
>>: Looks a little dark.
>>: Is it warm? Can I feel how warm it is?
It's a nice temperature.
>>: Yeah. It's perfect. >>: And you just drink your pee?
>>: Well, no, I do other things with it.
I drink it through my eyes, drink it through my ears.
Drink it through my nose.
>>: Pour it in your eyes?
>>: No, I use an eye dropper.
>>: You have an eyedropper?
>>: I got one right here.
Show you.
Check this out. >>: No, I'm, I'm excited.
How much do you put in your eyes, just a drop?
>>: No, I just drown it, like...
Now there's just pee falling down on you.
>>: You just lick it off or rub it in.
>>: Does it burn?
>>: It burns, is it turning red a little?
>>: A little bit red. >>: Yeah.
>>: Oh, so it's not good for your eyes.
>>: No, it's very good.
It's improving my eyesight.
Yup. And then drink it through your ears and nose.
You can go like this.
>>: Where do you burn that eyedropper?
(sniffing) (audience groaning)
Now, if I had pee on my hands, I would be a little,
a little grossed out, but there's pee
all over your face right now.
(laughing)
And that's okay? >>: Oh, yeah.
>>: Have a sip.
>>: Do you want me to drink it all?
Not all of it. Just a sip.
(audience groaning)
Okay, that's enough.
(swishing) (audience groaning)
>>: And you swish with it. It cleans your teeth.
>>: Huh.
What about toothpaste?
>>: I don't really use it.
>>: Okay. Well, I'm 100% sold on the benefits of urine therapy.
You're literally sitting on a goldmine.
You know who'd appreciate this?
Truckers. (rock music)
Always making a mess when they pee into a bottle.
But with a catheter, then they can relieve themselves,
and quench their thirst that final push to Albuquerque.
Or what about those energy chews?
I bet athletes would really get a jolt
out of sinking their teeth into a cube of congealed piss.
Hell, I think we could replace Gatorade,
make pee the official sports drink of football.
(urine splashing)
It's going to be a game changer for new fathers.
Everyone knows there's nothing stronger than the bond that's
created when a newborn's suckling on a mother's teat.
Now, thanks to urine,
dads could enjoy a similar bonding experience.
>>: Wait. (record scratching)
You want me to do what?
Guys?
What's happening? (baby wailing)
>>: Cheers to being a potty mouth.
>>: Just going to wipe off the rim of the glass.
So I don't get any germs.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music) (audience applauding)
(upbeat string music)
>>: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You blow it. You buy it.
>>: Oh, hello Daniel, Warped Brownlee.
>>: I thought I recognized you. Listen.
Welcome to my stand. Everything here is farm to butt hole.
You're welcome to anything.
Didn't know we had a celebrity visiting us.
My first question is what the (bleep) is on your face?
>>: Satanic war paint.
>>: And so do you do it yourself?
>>: Yes. >>: Every morning?
>>: Just on my days off when I'm not working.
>>: Okay. So you're not allowed to wear
satanic war paint to work?
>>: Not at the cereal factory.
>>: At the cereal factory? >>: Yes, I make cereal.
>>: What kind of cereal?
>>: A lot of granola stuff.
>>: What milk do you like for your cereal?
When you have cereal.
>>: 2%. >>: Why not just go to skim?
>>: I don't like soft ass (bleep).
>>: Okay.
Warped Brownlee. >>: Yes.
>>: Now, is that your given name?
>>: I got that name from my ex-girlfriend.
She said I was warped,
because I wanted have sex with other people.
>>: I like the fact that she like overlooked all of this
nonsense and went with the fact that you just wanted to
sleep with other people. >>: Yes.
We're still friends though.
>>: Okay. So she is alive.
>>: Oh, she's alive.
>>: I've been meaning to ask you what's the story about the
video where you were (bleep) that stuffed bear?
(Warped) The Teddy bear has become legendary.
>>: Sure. >>: All around Eugene, Oregon.
(Daniel) Just because of the videos?
>>: 'Cause I do it live too.
This week actually,
they're having a meeting at my work about sexual harassment
involving videos and I can't be there.
>>: You're not allowed to be there?
>>: No, 'cause I'm here.
>>: Oh. >>: So everyone has to watch,
go through this meeting except me.
>>: Oh, well, that's probably good that you're not there.
It'll allow a lot of the staff that's terrified of you to
speak freely.
Did we pat you down?
>>: No.
>>: Jesus.
They say this look is called lumbersexual.
>>: I think it's pretty satanic.
>>: When you use the word satanic,
what does it mean?
>>: Well, what do you think?
>>: Worshiping the devil? >>: No.
Not in a traditional sense no.
>>: Okay. So what does it mean?
>>: You don't understand? >>: No, I don't.
Like, does it mean cool?
>>: Could mean, yeah. Cool or the bomb.
>>: The bomb? Alright, I get it.
I do understand it now.
>>: Satanic style. >>: Satanic style.
You want to get that going?
>>: Oh, it's going.
>>: What time do you go to bed at night?
>>: I go late.
>>: Like 10:30?
>>: No, I go to bed like at four in the morning.
>>: Okay. >>: I work late
at the cereal factory,
but then I need time to go into bars after work and do some
karaoke, satanic style.
>>: What kind of satanic style karaoke songs are you picking?
>>: I'll do some rap songs to open up,
loosen up the crowd, Back That Ass Up.
>>: They're not going to see that coming.
Back That Ass Up?
>>: Oh, yeah. >>: Juvenile.
>>: Uncensored. I will say the word (bleep)
>>: Well, I mean, technically you're half black.
Some people would watch a video of you blowing a fruit or
teaching people how to give a blowjob and think that's gay.
Your thoughts. >>: You know what?
If you listen to the video, if you listen to it,
it's obvious I'm straight.
>>: Of course. >>: But no one listens.
>>: It's 'cause they're too busy jerking off.
>>: I said in the video,
I said I've only had a five and a half.
I haven't gave five and a half.
I've never given a blowjob.
>>: Yet you took to it like a duck to water.
Would you clarify what a half blow job is?
>>: Well, it's when the girl
was blowing you and she passes out before she finishes.
>>: Ah, you didn't time the meds, right.
>>: Yeah.
>>: How fast could you get a guy off? If you had to.
>>: Well, you saw the video.
What do you think?
>>: Well, I finished before you started.
>>: The hand is the key. That's the main part. The hand.
>>: And the girls don't realize that the hand's doing all
the heavy lifting.
>>: I've had girls that just use their mouth and it really
pisses me off.
(scoffing)
>>: How far can you take this down?
>>: My deep throating skills aren't great.
I don't know. >>: I challenge you.
Sorry.
I don't know who won. Here, I gotta sell this, man.
BJ's are all well and good,
but let me show you how to satisfy a lady.
I like to use a pomegranate because it's red and gross and
kind of confusing.
Just like a lady's Cooley Cod.
Well, you get the idea.
Warped, there's something I've been
meaning to ask you, would you ever consider--
>>: Food porn?
That'd be really (bleep) satanic.
>>: All right.
Odd You had that on the tip of your tongue.
(upbeat music)
(doorbell rings)
>>: Hello, did someone order
some wet, juicy fruit on a stick?
Hey Goldilocks, you gonna take this or what?
>>: Fine.
>>: This is going up your ass, isn't it?
>>: Oh, God!
(blender whirrs)
(gagging)
(door bell rings)
Who's here?
>>: Sorry to bug you again,
but that edible arrangement was for your neighbor.
Okay, I am positive
I didn't give you anything chocolate covered.
Get my mister out, and good as new.
I'm gonna take this for myself.
(audience applauds)
(reporter) Mary Winchenbach runs Tirdy Works,
it's art made from the stuff that moose leave behind.
>>: The terms that I use to name these products
are everyday terms that people are used to hearing.
And what we did, see, is we took them turds,
and we crammed them in between the number there
so that's one turdy, two turdy, three turdy.
(reporter) That's just one of many products she offers.
>>: Now over here, we make Fecal People.
And depending upon the shape
of them middle turds right there,
we can do 'em with big boobs or guts or butts
or long legs, or short Leg, see,
'cause there's no two turds that are ever alike.
You ever seen two turds alike?
No.
(upbeat music)
(announcer) Some great new champions over here.
One winner!
(splattering)
(Daniel groans)
>>: I've got a one of a kind Peter Dinklage Dooky right here.
It's half off.
>>: Don't all turds look like Peter Dinklage?
>>: I got Chris Pratt scat,
I got the guy from Rudy's duty, and Mama Mia,
I even got Meryl Streep's diarrhea!
But the real prize, this baby right here.
A whopper from Emma Watson.
>>: Wait, there's two celebrity poop booths?.
>>: Well, that's my brother, okay,
he sells turds that look like celebrities.
I'm sellin' their actual brown gold here.
>>: That's half-brother!
Your mom's a whore.
>>: I'm sick of this guy.
>>: Mary, how's business?
>>: Hey, great, how're ya doing?
>>: Mind if I pull up a stool?
>>: Pull up a stool. >>: Pun intended.
All right, Mary, where are you from?
>>: I am from Maine.
>>: Where in Maine?
(Mary) Somerville, Maine.
>>: Can I smell your fingers?
(Mary chuckles) You can, if you want.
>>: Oh, okay.
(Mary laughs)
That is question number two.
Let's get to this nonsense.
First of all, why do you spell turds with an I?
>>: I think that Webster's dictionary has it wrong.
I think that someone didn't think it out real good
'cause if you look at the word bird it's B-I-R-D,
so bird turd, so it should be spelled T-I-R-D.
>>: You smoke marijuana?
>>: Yes. (audience and Mary laugh)
I do, how'd you know? >>: I don't know.
>>: We have some products that relate to that too.
>>: Like what? >>: We have a shit clip.
>>: Oh, that's a good idea.
>>: Yes, and you put a joint on that
and pass that shit around.
>>: How long have you been dealing with these moose turds?
>>: I've been doing it about 15 years.
>>: Really? >>: Yes.
>>: Just so a know,
how many pellets are in a single dropping for a moose?
>>: They'll typically shed out two to 400 turds
every time they take a dump.
>>: That's gotta feel amazing.
>>: Oh, it's exciting and you know, it's like ching ching.
I mean, you watch a turds come out of their ass
and it's like 5, 10, 15, 20.
>>: It's like playing a Wheel of Fortune slot machine?
>>: Exactly.
Typically we'll get 100 to 150 pounds of turds,
every time we go out in the woods.
You know, we put 'em in bags
and sling 'em over the shoulder and drag 'em out
and by the time we get out, we're pooped.
>>: Okay. >>: Yes.
>>: Now, how fresh will you grab 'em?
>>: I like 'em as fresh and juicy as I can get 'em.
The longer they sit in the woods,
they'll get punky and dried out, you know?
And that kind of compromises the product integrity,
so to speak. >>: Has this been primed?
Oh, that's nice. Do you use hand sanitizer a lot?
>>: No. >>: Good to know.
(laughs)
>>: Stop it. No, our turds are good.
You need to go out in the woods with us
collectin' turds someday.
>>: I don't want to collect turds.
>>: We can violate you out in the woods.
>>: We can violate me? (laughs)
That seems insane.
Where do you sell all this stuff?
>>: We sell it at craft fairs.
>>: What about online,
can you just order it online? (Mary) Yep.
(Daniel) Is it legal to mail poop?
>>: It is, the products are non-hazardous.
Essentially, you could eat it.
>>: Have you ever tasted one?
>>: I've put one in my mouth before.
>>: Did you bite down?
>>: A little bit?
(laughing)
>>: Do you coat the turds or?
>>: Well, yeah, we have two different kinds
of coatings we use.
Because some people like a natural lookin' turd
and some people like it when their turds glisten.
>>: Oh.
>>: You know, 'cause we want to please everyone.
>>: That's nice of you. Only moose?
>>: No, we have cow turds too.
>>: Oh, really? >>: Yes.
We have a couple right there,
and one of them we call the Bull Shit,
and the other one we call a Cow-a-dunga.
>>: So you just put a turd on a piece of wood?
>>: Yeah.
(Daniel laughs) That's not a product.
You make turd candles?
>>: Turd candles too.
it's a little earthy.
We actually have a scratch and sniff area right there,
to validate the fact that our shit don't stink.
>>: Do you ever think you'd outgrow poop jokes?
(Mary laughs)
>>: No, it's only getting worse with age.
>>: What's your best seller?
>>: The poopoo clocks, and the fecal people.
Oh, my God. >>: The fecal people.
>>: Yes. Now, depending upon the shape
of their middle turns right there.
We can do 'em with the big boobs or guts or butts,
or long legs or short legs.
>>: Why can't the fecal people be genderless?
>>: They are genderless. >>: Oh, nice.
>>: But we did develop a couple of fecal people down here,
that do have gender on 'em, we did little deer turds
for the boobies and for the ding dong and stuff.
Those are gonna go on top of a wedding cake.
>>: Oh, that's nice. >>: Yes.
>>: That's where they should go, a wedding cake.
Okay, the dart board, that's just,
>>: That's a crapshoot.
(Daniel) You just wrap some Velcro around and turn.
>>: Absolutely, it's brilliant.
>>: It's not brilliant. >>: It is.
People love that. >>: That's half ass.
Why would they buy that?
Why wouldn't they just go do it themselves?
>>: I got orders for it.
This is what I wanted to show you right here.
The key chains,
see, now due to the high fiber diet of the moose,
the turds float. >>: Yeah.
>>: You ever dropped a key in the water,
you're gonna look for a float and turd,
and that key is gonna be dangling
right underneath that turd.
>>: Well, that depends on how many keys you have.
>>: Well, you have to cram an extra turd on it
if you got a lot of keys.
>>: A janitor, they would have to have like-
>>: Exactly, a pile of dump.
>>: So you're saying with the key chain,
you just keep poop in your pocket?
>>: Absolutely.
>>: Have you ever used human shit?
>>: No, ew, gross. >>: That's gross?
>>: Human turds, I wouldn't touch a human turd.
And they probably don't even float.
>>: Some do.
>>: Oh, I'm not gonna go around figuring that out.
I'll make you worry, I ain't touchin' that.
>>: How often do you get pink eye?
>>: I've never had pink eye.
>>: Can you only get pink eye from human poop?
>>: I've never. (Mary chuckles)
>>: Is that actually how you get pink eye
from getting poop in your eye?
So you can get it from any kind of poop though?
>>: That would be like a shitty idea, wouldn't it?
>>: That'd be a shitty idea. >>: We have that.
It's right here.
There's little turds in that deer eye right there,
that's a shitty idea.
>>: Come on, what is, this is half ass.
(Mary laughs)
>>: It's a shit, it's a turd.
>>: This is taped on the back. >>: I know.
>>: You can sell this.
>>: No, I don't sell that, that's one of my props.
>>: You know what you are, you're kind like a Gallagher.
(Mary laughs)
What's this go for?
>>: 15 bucks.
>>: How much does the tray cost without poop in it, 20?
>>: That's a poo poo platter.
>>: I mean, the tray alone, if I scraped all this poop out
that's a nice, good tray.
I'm starting to understand your business model.
What you're doing is taking existing products
and gluing turds to them.
It's brilliant. >>: Thank you.
>>: I have a few ideas of how we can expand your brand.
>>: Excellent, what do you got?
>>: What about poop poles?
Hardware for all your kitchen cabinets.
Instantly devalue your home.
Shit socks.
>>: Shit socks? >>: Yeah.
Take your socks, okay, fill em with moose turds,
throw it in the microwave 30 to 45 seconds.
Then when your foot goes in, oh,
that's gonna feel so nice and warm and soft.
What about frozen diarrhea cubes?
Now your cocktails won't get watered down by normal ice.
>>: That's a good idea too. >>: Thank you.
By the way, any idea that I give you is 100% yours,
free and clear.
All right, I saved my biggest and shittiest idea for last,
we take the greenest car on the road and make it brown.
I'm calling up the Turd Tesla, Model BM.
Isn't she a beauty? >>: Yeah, she is.
(Daniel) Only need $1,000 to preorder,
estimated delivery of five years.
>>: What's the cost?
>>: It's the price of a regular Tesla plus poops and labor.
(cheering)
(upbeat music)