a couple years ago, an event planner called me

幾年前，有個活動策劃打電話給我

because I was going to do a speaking event.

因為我要辦一個講座

And she called, and she said,

她打給我說

"I'm really struggling with how

「我實在想不出來」

to write about you on the little flyer."

「在傳單上要怎麼介紹你」

And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"

我想說「為什麼想不出來？」

And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

她答：「看過你演講」

and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,

「我想應該稱呼你為研究員」

but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,

「但我怕這樣寫，沒有人會來聽演講」

because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."

「因為研究員都很無聊、無關緊要」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And I was like, "Okay."

好吧

And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk

然後她說「但我喜歡你演講的原因」

is you're a storyteller.

「是因為很像在說故事」

So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."

「所以我要稱你為說書人」

And of course, the academic, insecure part of me

我內心學術、沒安全感那面就跳出來

was like, "You're going to call me a what?"

「妳要叫我什麼？」

And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."

她說：「說故事的人阿」

And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"

我心想：「何不乾脆叫我魔法小精靈？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."

「讓我想一下」

I tried to call deep on my courage.

我鼓起勇氣

And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.

我想：我是說書人

I'm a qualitative researcher.

我是定性研究員

I collect stories; that's what I do.

我工作就是搜集故事

And maybe stories are just data with a soul.

也許故事就是有靈魂的數據

And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

或許我真的就是說書人

And so I said, "You know what?

我就說：「好吧」

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."

「你就叫我研究說書員」

And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing."

她就回：「哈，沒這東西」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

So I'm a researcher-storyteller,

所以我是個研究說書員

and I'm going to talk to you today --

我今天要告訴各位的

we're talking about expanding perception --

是關於看法的擴展

and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories

我要分享給各位幾個故事

about a piece of my research

是我研究的一部份

that fundamentally expanded my perception

這部份徹底的擴展了我的觀點

and really actually changed the way that I live and love

並確實改變了我生活、愛、

and work and parent.

工作、為人父母的過程

And this is where my story starts.

這是我故事的開始

When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,

當時我還是個年輕的研究員，念博士

my first year I had a research professor

第一年，我有個教授

who said to us,

告訴我們

"Here's the thing,

「是這樣的」

if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."

「你無法測量的，就不存在」

And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.

我想他只是講些好聽話而已

I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."

我就說：「真的嗎？」他回：「千真萬確」

And so you have to understand

你們要明白

that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work,

我學士、碩士都念社工

and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,

我的博士學位也是社工

so my entire academic career

所以我的學術事業

was surrounded by people

都圍繞著

who kind of believed

一些相信

in the "life's messy, love it."

「生活很混亂，愛它吧」的人

And I'm more of the, "life's messy,

但我是那種「生活很混亂」

clean it up, organize it

「那就收拾整齊」

and put it into a bento box."

「並收進便當盒裡」的人

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And so to think that I had found my way,

我想我找到我的路

to found a career that takes me --

發現一個能帶著我的事業

really, one of the big sayings in social work

社工常說的一句話

is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work."

偎緊工作令人不舒服的部份

And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head

我則是那種，遇到不愉快就趕緊

and move it over and get all A's.

想辦法對付他並拿A

That was my mantra.

我這樣催眠自己

So I was very excited about this.

對此很期待

And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,

我想，這就是我要做的大事了

because I am interested in some messy topics.

因為我對這些混亂的話題有興趣

But I want to be able to make them not messy.

但我想讓他們變得不混亂

I want to understand them.

我想搞懂他們

I want to hack into these things

我想徹底研究這些

I know are important

我知道很重要的事

and lay the code out for everyone to see.

並把秘密找出來分享給大家

So where I started was with connection.

所以我從"連結"開始

Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,

因為，當了十年社工

what you realize

你會理解到

is that connection is why we're here.

連結就是我們都在此的原因

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

這是我們生命被賦予意義的東西

This is what it's all about.

一切都與這相關

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people

不管你跟哪個領域的人聊天

who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,

不論是社會公平、心理健康、 受虐與疏忽照顧

what we know is that connection,

我們知道，連結

the ability to feel connected, is --

感受到彼此的連結是

neurobiologically that's how we're wired --

在神經生物學來說，是我們天生的

it's why we're here.

我們在此的原因

So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.

所以我想，我要以連結開始研究

Well, you know that situation

我想你們都經歷過

where you get an evaluation from your boss,

老闆給的工作評價

and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,

可能會是37件極佳的表現

and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?"

但有一件是 -- 尚待改進

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?

你腦子只會想這那尚待改進的事

Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,

我的研究也是這樣

because, when you ask people about love,

因為當你問人們關於愛的故事

they tell you about heartbreak.

他們會告訴你心碎的故事

When you ask people about belonging,

當你問人們關於歸屬的故事

they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences

他們會告訴你那些他們被排除在外

of being excluded.

的椎心經驗

And when you ask people about connection,

因為當你問人們關於連結的故事

the stories they told me were about disconnection.

他們會告訴你那些分離的故事

So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --

所以很快的，研究開始的六週後

I ran into this unnamed thing

就是這件不知如何命名的事

that absolutely unraveled connection

讓連結瓦解

in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

我不懂也從未見過

And so I pulled back out of the research

所以我將研究暫停

and thought, I need to figure out what this is.

我想，我一定要知道這是為什麼

And it turned out to be shame.

原來就是羞恥

And shame is really easily understood

羞恥很好理解

as the fear of disconnection:

就是害怕失去連結

Is there something about me

我的哪些部份

that, if other people know it or see it,

如果外人知道了

that I won't be worthy of connection?

會不會不想與我往來

The things I can tell you about it:

羞恥，我可以告訴你們

it's universal; we all have it.

是普遍存在的，我們都有

The only people who don't experience shame

那些沒有羞恥心的人

have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

沒有同情心與人類連結

No one wants to talk about it,

沒人想談羞恥

and the less you talk about it the more you have it.

越不談感受越大

What underpinned this shame,

鞏固羞恥的東西

this "I'm not good enough," --

這種「我不夠好」的感受

which we all know that feeling:

我想我們都經歷過

"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,

「不夠徹底、不夠纖瘦」

rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,

「不夠有錢、不夠漂亮、不夠聰明」

promoted enough."

「不夠有才」

The thing that underpinned this

支撐這種

was excruciating vulnerability,

極痛苦的脆弱感的

this idea of,

是這種

in order for connection to happen,

為了要有連結

we have to allow ourselves to be seen,

我們必須讓自己被看見

really seen.

真的被看見

And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

各位都知道，我恨脆弱

And so I thought, this is my chance

所以我想，這是我

to beat it back with my measuring stick.

用量尺贏回來的機會

I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,

我一定要搞懂這東西

I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

我要花一年的時間，破解羞恥

I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,

我一定要了解脆弱是如何運作

and I'm going to outsmart it.

我要打敗它

So I was ready, and I was really excited.

我準備好了，也很興奮

As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

各位也知道，結果沒有很好

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

You know this.

你們都懂

So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

關於羞恥我可以講很多

but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

但會佔用到其他講者的時間

But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --

我可以告訴你的是，研究最終

and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned

這是我十年的研究所學到最重要

in the decade of doing this research.

的其中一件事

My one year

我的一年

turned into six years:

變成六年

thousands of stories,

數千個故事

hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

數百個面談，團體會晤

At one point, people were sending me journal pages

某階段還有人寄給我日記手札

and sending me their stories --

告訴我他們的故事

thousands of pieces of data in six years.

六年間有數千筆數據

And I kind of got a handle on it.

我也大概弄懂了

I kind of understood, this is what shame is,

我有點明白羞恥是什麼

this is how it works.

是怎麼運作的

I wrote a book,

我寫了本書

I published a theory,

出版了個理論

but something was not okay --

但有件事還是不對

and what it was is that,

就是

if I roughly took the people I interviewed

我將我訪問過的人

and divided them into people

分為兩組

who really have a sense of worthiness --

一組是認為自己有價值的人 --

that's what this comes down to,

這也是核心的部份

a sense of worthiness --

個人價值感 --

they have a strong sense of love and belonging --

這些人有很強的愛與歸屬感

and folks who struggle for it,

另一組是掙扎的人

and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

他們總想自己是否夠好

There was only one variable

兩組間只有一個可變因素

that separated the people who have

有強烈愛與歸屬感的人

a strong sense of love and belonging

與掙扎的人之間

and the people who really struggle for it.

只有一個可變因素

And that was, the people who have

這就是，那些

a strong sense of love and belonging

有強烈愛與歸屬感的人

believe they're worthy of love and belonging.

相信他們是值得愛與歸屬的

That's it.

就這樣

They believe they're worthy.

他們相信這是值得的

And to me, the hard part

對我來說，困難的部份

of the one thing that keeps us out of connection

唯一讓我們無法連結的部份

is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,

就是害怕我們不值得彼此連結

was something that, personally and professionally,

這個在個人以及工作上來說

I felt like I needed to understand better.

我覺得我應該要更精確理解

So what I did

所以我

is I took all of the interviews

將所有的訪談裡

where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,

看得出個人價值感的案例拿出來

and just looked at those.

只看這些人

What do these people have in common?

這些人有什麼共同點？

I have a slight office supply addiction,

我對辦公用品有點龜毛

but that's another talk.

但這是另一個故事了

So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,

我拿了個分類文件夾、一隻簽字筆

and I was like, what am I going to call this research?

我就想，這研究要怎麼稱呼?

And the first words that came to my mind

我想到的第一個字就是

were whole-hearted.

全心全意

These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.

這些都是全心付出的人，以強烈價值感活著

So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,

所以我在資料夾上這樣寫

and I started looking at the data.

並開始看我所找到的資料

In fact, I did it first

事實上

in a four-day

我所做的是

very intensive data analysis,

前四天都密集研究資料

where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.

回到最初的訪問、故事、事件

What's the theme? What's the pattern?

主題是什麼？模式是什麼？

My husband left town with the kids

我老公帶孩子出遠門

because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

因為我整個廢寢忘食

where I'm just like writing

我狂寫資料

and in my researcher mode.

進入我"研究員模式"

And so here's what I found.

我的研究結果是這樣的

What they had in common

他們共有的

was a sense of courage.

是勇氣(courage)

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

我想簡單解釋勇氣(courage)與勇敢(bravery)的不同

Courage, the original definition of courage,

勇氣最初的定義

when it first came into the English language --

最早變成英語的時候

it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart --

是拉丁字源cor，表示"心(heart)"

and the original definition

而它最初的定義

was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

就是全心全意講述關於你自己的故事

And so these folks

所以這些人

had, very simply, the courage

有著承認不完美

to be imperfect.

的勇氣

They had the compassion

他們有同情心

to be kind to themselves first and then to others,

對自己好之後對別人好

because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people

因為，後來發現，你要對別人有同情心

if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

就一定要先對自己好

And the last was they had connection,

最後，他們都有著連結

and -- this was the hard part --

這是困難的部份

as a result of authenticity,

就是"真實性"的結果

they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be

他們願意放下他們想成為的自己

in order to be who they were,

為了做真正的自己

which you have to absolutely do that

而為了與人連結

for connection.

就必須這麼做

The other thing that they had in common

他們的另一個共通點

was this:

是這個

They fully embraced vulnerability.

他們坦蕩的接受脆弱

They believed

他們相信

that what made them vulnerable

讓他們脆弱的

made them beautiful.

會讓他們美麗

They didn't talk about vulnerability

他們並不是說脆弱

being comfortable,

是很自在的事

nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --

也不是很痛心的事

as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.

從我早期"羞恥"訪問中發現的

They just talked about it being necessary.

他們認為脆弱是必須的

They talked about the willingness

他們談到願意先說

to say, "I love you" first,

「我愛你」

the willingness

願意

to do something

去做那些

where there are no guarantees,

不保證美好的事

the willingness

願意

to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call

在乳房X光檢查後深呼吸

after your mammogram.

等待醫生回電

They're willing to invest in a relationship

願意投入一場戀愛

that may or may not work out.

不論結果好不好

They thought this was fundamental.

他們認為這是很基本的

I personally thought it was betrayal.

我個人認為這是背叛