like on a first date, is kiss.

That's first base,

but now first base is like (beep).

That's more appropriate.

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hey guys, welcome to "Stir Crazy,"

or as my mom refers to it,

that show where you talk to people I don't know.

Well, mom, my guest today is a world renowned roaster,

podcaster and stand up comedian.

It's the nicest meanest lady in the business.

It's Nikki Glaser.

- Oh, hello,

Nicest meanest, that, that,

that feels right.

- You don't want the reverse.

You don't want the meanest nicest person,

or else then you're then you're Ellen DeGeneres, I guess.

(laughing)

- Yeah, I pride myself on trying to be nice.

- You're talking to me from the show business capital

of the world, your parents' house in St. Louis.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- How crazy exciting is it right now?

What's the level of madness at Chay Glaser?

- It's funny, 'cause my friend just sent me an article

that was said that 52%

of young adults are currently living with their parents.

And I was like, yes.

And then I looked up what young adults were,

and I've aged out of that by seven years.

It's just kind of sweet, man.

I don't have a husband,

I don't have kids,

I don't have a family of my own.

My parents are pretty awesome.

They're extremely happy with my six.

I mean, I didn't put those up,

these posters,

they celebrate me.

So I'm kind of in like my own Planet Hollywood,

but it's like all of my memorabilia,

ultimately reminding me of what I used to be.

- You're always very open about dating, about your sex life.

Obviously these are weird times.

Have you changed your expectations

given where you're at now?

Are you like I'm cool with just like,

this is a pause.

- Dating right now is completely on pause.

And yeah, it's weird being in St. Louis.

When I lived in Los Angeles and New York,

I was on the celebrity dating app.

- Like on Riot in St. Louis

it's like you and John Hamm and like Abby Cohen,

like this is like it's over.

- Yeah, it's not,

John Hamm's not even in town,

believe me I've been looking.

(laughing)

- Did you happen to see,

I noticed there was an article,

like a Canadian doctor said that sex during COVID,

they would recommend wearing a mask and no kissing?

- Oh, wow.

- What do you think?

- Okay.

Yeah, that,

that could actually be good

because it would be easier to pretend he's someone else.

Even listening to

the song "WAP," you know, she goes,

spit in my mouth,

and I go Cardi.

Like the rest of that song is like filthy,

but that's the line where I'm like, (gasping sound),

you can't do that right now.

I mean, and kissing is so intimate,

it's kind of disgusting.

So I guess I'm okay with that.

- The good news is that the same Canadian doctor,

I think, has said that glory holes are okay.

I'm totally being serious.

- That checks out because it does seem ridiculous.

Like the most innocent thing you can do in a relationship

like on a first date is kiss.

Like that's first base.

But now first base is like eating ass.

Like that's more appropriate.

- So I like to play a little game

we call Quaranteam.

I'm gonna name a friend of yours, an associate you,

you tell me if you want them in the bunker with you,

if you want them on your quaranteam in these times.

- Got it.

- Okay.

The great Joe Rogan, podcaster, comedian.

Do you want Joe in on the quaranteam?

- Yeah dude.

Joe Rogan's like a survivalist.

He is emotionally equipped to handle stressful situations,

and he's rich as fuck.

So his bunker is going to be sweet.

- Your friend and buddy Whitney Cummings.

Do you want Whitney on the Quaranteam?

- She's a lot,

and then she would even say that,

and I'm a lot too.

It's like too much of a lotness together,

but she's also someone,

yes, okay, Whitney, I need her

because she is emotionally more wise than I am.

And also she's rich as fuck.

- (laughing) I'm noticing a theme here.

- Come on the bunker would be amazing, so yeah.

- T. Swift, Taylor Swift.

- Yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh my God yes.

I mean, I just got so excited like that could even happen.

- Just to be clear, it's not gonna happen, Nikki.

I don't wanna give you false hope.

- I know.

I just want to be friends with her and get to know her.

And I do actually think we'd get along very well

and have a good time.

And I would give her her space to create,

and she would probably very much influence me artistically.

So I feel like I'd come out

of the experience a better person.

And I feel like the only way that I can actually

become friends with her is if she were forced to be.

And so, yes.

Yes.

- A lot of great friendships

have happened that way, I'm sure.

Last one for you.

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Do you want to be in a bunker with Leonardo DiCaprio?

He is rich as fuck, I have to say that.

- Rich as fuck.

I would say no 'cause he would,

he would be so grossed out

that I'm in my 30's that I would be,

I would constantly feel not good enough.

Well, if we're in a bunker together

he might have to just accept the fact that

I'm all he's got. - This is what he's got.

- Okay, yes because that's the only way

I will ever be able to sleep with Leo.

So yes, yes, definitely.

Because I think that'd be the only way.

He's older than me.

Can I just put that out there?

- Much older, much older than you, by the way.

- I know.

But it doesn't feel that way.

- We talked a little bit about your experience

roasting, obviously.

On the Comedy Central Roasts,

you're always amazing on those.

And I got to think that sometimes

when you're at that dais

and you're delivering some of those,

often they're people you don't even know well, or at all.

Is there one joke in particular you remember saying

I have to do this, but this is gonna be hard for me?

- When I roasted Caitlin Jenner,

I think that was the most terrified

I have ever been to roast someone

because she had kind of caught wind

of some jokes that I was doing before the roast

that she did not want to be done,

like about something totally different

than what you would think,

so I felt mortified.

And I was like oh no she thinks that I'm

just like so cruel,

and she's not gonna laugh at anything I say.

And then I got up there,

and the whole time I was up there, she was the best.

The whole time she was just like

you're right, I was a bad father.

She was just like,

kept going like this to me,

and was like you.

She was just the biggest champion up there

of whatever I was doing.

And she couldn't have been nicer.

So my fear of her was misplaced.

Whereas there are other people that I've roasted

that were not as friendly after the set.

- I've got some provocative

would you rathers for you, Nikki.

You ready?

Would you rather spend the rest of quarantine alone

or living with your least favorite ex?

- I would say, I would say least favorite ex.

I'm trying to think of who's my least favorite.

- Accessing memory of exes.

- Must go through Rolodex.

I mean I haven't had that many exes.

Oh wait, he's dead.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Let's go to the next question.

- Yeah, okay.

- Would you rather have Dwayne Johnson's arms or calves?

- So my legs would be like my regular thigh, but his calves?

- Yeah it's a little bit more freakish,

a little weirder.

- Yeah that's weird.

- Although his ginormous arms on you

might not be (indistinct).

- I would take the calves,

and then I would get my legs amputated.

- Okay.

We can make that happen.

I'll get, my people will get back to your people.

This one might be tough, I think.

Would you rather never do stand up again

or never have sex again?

- Wait, like sex as in like any kind of sex?

- I not Bill Clinton,

I'm not gonna define which levels of sex...

(laughing)

- Well, I mean, I really,

I would definitely say never do stand up again

because I've achieved everything

I've wanted to with stand up for the most part.

I still have a lot more to say,

and would like to keep going,

but I haven't achieved everything

I wanted to sexually at all, not even close.

- Because I'm a journalist I should follow up.

So what are the sex goals exactly?

What's the Mount Everest of sex you're trying to climb?

- Having sex with someone who will love me

for a long time,

and who I love back.

Like having that kind of,

like intimacy, like having actual

loving sex with someone, which, you know,

I've had it before, but did I?

- Anyway.

would you rather have your parents know

every time you're having sex,

or know every time your parents are having sex?

- Ugh, both those are terrible.

Well, I do know every time my parents are having sex

because they go to their cabin in the woods

for a couple of days.

And so that whole time

I just know that that's what they're doing.

'Cause, I would rather know them.

I just can't handle them knowing.

I mean, I can't even handle my dad knowing

I'm going on like an innocent date

with someone in my bedroom, let alone having sex.

I mean, that is just so gross.

- I don't know about you,

I have trouble ending these,

these zoom calls.