- [Steve] "I have been the President

for I don't know how many years

but out here with you, John and my personal chef,

like, I am humbled.

I'm just a biological entity on this planet

just trying to co-habitat". (sneezing)

(epic music)

(drumbeat booming)

- Hello, I'm Katie Nolan

and today I'm gonna tell you about how Teddy Roosevelt

saved the sport of football.

I put the word "sport" in- - Right.

in case people didn't know.

- They still might think it's soccer

but we'll clear that up.

- (beep) them if that's what they think. (laughing)

(upbeat band music)

Our story begins late 1890's

when football was just a college game

and there was no forward passing,

just dudes who would smash their bodies

into each others bodies, (hands slapping)

and then, so, in 19, nope, (ominous music)

1894 there was this annual game between Harvard and Yale

that was so violent it was called

"Bloodbath at Hampden Park"

because it was just massacre.

Seven people were carted off the field

with "dying injuries".

Yale won the game and so they were so excited in their win

they just started punching people.

They were like, "Oh, my God, we won that game!

Like it was really hard to watch but we crushed them!

Literally and also subject, object,"...

What?

What's the opposite of literally?

- [Derek] Figuratively?

- [Katie] Thank you!

"Literally and figuratively, we crushed those guys!"

The Harvard fans were like,

"I wanna go home and cry and also invent Facebook".

(bell chiming)

(Derek laughing) (hand slapping)

(laughing) And that game was sort of the catalyst

for people realizing

"Hey, maybe, um, football is, like, not good

because people are dying in a large sum every year?"

So, enter Teddy Roosevelt (contemplative music)

who was a huge football fan.

Like, he loved anything brutally manly

so football to Teddy was, like, what America was about

and so when they banned that game between Harvard and Yale

he was like, "Excuse me, no!

Bring that game back, we love that game,

it means a lot to us as people.

It's been two years, I can't live without it anymore."

Which is how I felt about sex in college.

- (laughing)

- [Katie] So, like, Teddy Roosevelt's son,

Theodore Roosevelt, Jr., (ominous music)

joins the Harvard freshman football team.

His first game, the other team targeted him

because he's the President's son

and, (imitates glass breaking) nose broken, like right away,

put a huge gash on his face.

So, Teddy Roosevelt decided that,

"Football's fantastic but maybe a little bit too violent.

Like, maybe we could calm it down"

and, you know, in his spare time he was President

so he ended the Russo-Japanese War

and then was like, "I'm also gonna fix,

I'm gonna save football".

So, anyway, what was I talking about?

- [Derek] Uh, Teddy Roosevelt?

- So Teddy Roosevelt called this meeting

with the heads of the college football powerhouses

and he was like, (quiet music)

"Look, guys, football, pretty violent, right?

Like, love the sport, doing a great job,

let's not kill so many people"

and so the head coach of Yale, Walter Camp,

who's known as the Father of American Football was like,

"Um, don't talk about my sport that way.

I made this sport and we're not gonna change it.

Like, football is football, suck it, bro."

and so the President was like,

"Well, this guy just told me to 'Suck it, bro'

so I think the meeting over, the meeting is adjourned.

I think the meeting is adjourned"

and so they didn't come to any sort of agreement

and at the end of that season

the newsboys were like, (serious music)

"Extra, extra, read all about it, 18 deaths!"

I was gonna say "serious deaths"! (laughing)

(hand slapping)

There are deaths that are, like, "Meh".

It's kinda funny. (laughing)

"18 deaths and 159 fatalities (serious music)

shit, fatalities means deaths.

18 deaths and 159 super serious injuries from football,

happening now, exclamation point, end quote,

read about it or don't"

so Teddy invited everybody back and he's like,

"Hey, y'all, all this stuff just happened.

Walter Camp, I see you raising your hand,

I don't acknowledge you, we have to change your sport.

I get that it's your baby

but sometimes your baby sucks!

If you give birth to a baby and you're like,

'Do whatever the (beep) you want'

it's gonna punch people and people are gonna die.

Your baby needs to be raised properly

in a decent home and the decent home is,

let's make some new rules.

(contemplative music)

So, like, what if, crazy thought,

what if we make first down,

instead of five yards, make it ten"

and then he was like,

"What if you took a ball and you threw it

instead on only just being able to shove into each other

to move down the field?

Wouldn't that be wild?"

And people were like, "Wait, you wanna throw a ball?"

"Like, yeah, that's why balls were invented, to be thrown".

Walter Campbell's like, "Okay, fine"

and so, basically, after that meeting

there was like a national standard for what football was

and it was great (upbeat music)

and it was all great because of Teddy Roosevelt

(flashbulb exploding)

and, like, nobody knows that.

They just think, "Teddy Roosevelt, oh, President"

or, actually now-a-days they go,

"Teddy Roosevelt, oh, you mean Franklin?"

because we're young and dumb

and nobody reads a goddamned book anymore!

- [Derek] Cheers. (upbeat music)

(glasses clinking) - (laughing)

(drumbeat booming)

- Hello, my is Steve Berg

and today we're gonna be discussing Teddy Roosevelt

and John Muir and how the National Park System

became to be. (Derek laughing)

So, it is the early 1870's (ominous music)

and no one is watching out

for the natural wonders that we have in the United States.

So, these rich industrialists are chopping down trees

and mining everything out of it.

They're like, "We hate nature! (fingers snapping)

Money, money, money! (fingers snapping)

(hand slapping)

Kill all the animals!

Put the blood on our face

and put pentagrams on

and dance around and do weird shit!"

(Derek laughing) (ice in glass clinking)

So, then there was a guy named John Muir

(inspirational music)

and he is living out in the middle of nowhere,

he's loving it!

He's like, "Oh, my God, look at the trees!

Look at all the flora, the fauna! (breath inhaling)"

and he is hearing about

all the atrocities going on (ominous music)

and he's like, "You know what, man,

I am Hippy Granola OG Number One

and that shit ain't gonna fly, okay?"

So, John Muir, who has got a gift for the English language,

starts writing these eloquent, poetic articles

saying, like, "People of America,

we have all this natural beauty but the Elite

just wanna fuck it up for the rest of us".

God damn, I spilled top shelf bourbon all over my unit.

(Derek laughing)

It's damp down there. (Derek laughing)

So, John Muir (inspirational music)

knew what he was expressing

was hitting some people

but he didn't know it was hitting

the El Presidente of the United States-e,

a President I like to call Teddy Roosevelt.

So, Teddy reads it and he's like,

"Damn, he's really moving me

and he keeps on talking about this place

called Yosemite in California.

I want to check out Yosemite for myself

and I want John Muir to be my guide".

So, T. R. arrives there with this huge entourage, right?

Teddy says to John Muir, (whimsical music)

"Hey, man, I'm feeling a little bit like a rascal, okay?

(Derek laughing)

What if you, me and my personal chef

went into the forest and camped for three days

and we didn't let anyone know about it?"

and John's like, "T.R., you know I'm down".

So, they get away from the group

and go out on a sojourn into the wilderness.

(inspirational music)

It's wonder and wildlife

and John is showing him all the flora and the fauna

and they are having the time of their life,

just two guys with a personal chef

out in the middle of nowhere getting into it, man.

- That's so cool.

- [Steve] Yeah!

So, the next night the President says,

"John, if I may ask, how do you love nature so much?"

"Well, Mr. President, (somber music)

I had a high risk job,

I got into a accident and it blinded me temporarily

and then, all of a sudden,

I could see (inspirational music)

but what I was seeing was not like it was before.

I am seeing a world before me

that is beautiful, that is fucking bursting with nature

and I walked from Indiana to Florida

and sketched every fucking plant, every animal.

I was just sketching beavers , man, sketching beavers.

It was magical

and I had never felt the world the same way".

(breath inhaling)

Um, where were we, I'm sorry?

- [Derek] We're camping.

- So, we're camping (Derek laughing)

and the third night it starts to snow and John Muir's like,

"Uh, shit, it's getting pretty cold out here, man,

and I got the President!"

and the President's like, "John!

John, John, John, John, we're okay,

I have broughten 40 blankets".

40.

He brought 40 blankets! (laughing)

"What a weirdo, man".

So, they're warm, maybe too warm, potentially

and Teddy's like, "I've been the President

for I don't know how many years

but out here with you, John, and my personal chef,

like, I am humbled.

I'm just a biological entity on this planet

just trying to co-habitat. (sneezing)"

(sneezing) - Uh oh.

(sneezing) Oh!

Every time it's windy I get a, (snorting)

a real bad allergies.

- You're doing a really great job.

- [Steve] Hey, thanks.

Man, I feel, I'm having fun-fun.

- Thanks for the fire, by the way.

- Oh, shit, she's in embers now.

- (laughing) No, she good.

- She good?

- Yeah, we got CGI. (magical bells chiming)

- Thank you.

So, Teddy Roosevelt gets back (inspirational music)

and the whole entourage's like,

"Jesus Christ!

Teddy, Mr. President, where were you?"

and he's like, "I know you guys are pissed

but I'm okay, my personal chef's okay".