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  • - I'm an actor!

  • I'm a (bleep) actor!

  • I'm a real actor!

  • I did Richard III!

  • I was in True West with Sherman Hemsley!

  • I was in Die Hard, dammit!

  • (bleep) Steve Urkel (bleep).

  • - You will suck Steve Urkel's (bleep)

  • if we want you to.

  • You will suck his (bleep), do you understand?

  • He is our bread and butter, you mother (bleep).

  • ♪ Crazy, crazy ♪

  • ♪ Does is crazy. ♪

  • (old western music)

  • - You sold me out, son.

  • Now you're going to end up with a bullet

  • in your head for it.

  • - You can't play me, mother (bleep).

  • I'm a mother (bleep) that plays mother (bleep),

  • mother (bleep).

  • - Cut.

  • (bell rings)

  • - [Crew Member] All right, everybody, let's get reset.

  • We are going again.

  • - Nigel. That's great.

  • - Oh, great. It's smashing.

  • Thank you so much.

  • Yeah, well, it's been an absolute honor,

  • and what a great opportunity to be here to be able

  • to play an American tough--

  • - Well, I'm just so glad that we got you out

  • of that BBC commitment

  • so you can play with us.

  • - Cheers mate. Cheers.

  • Cheers.

  • - Antoine, listen, I'm just not buying

  • that you're someone that was born

  • and raised in the streets of Brooklyn.

  • - That's weird 'cause I actually was born

  • and raised in the streets of Brooklyn.

  • I was in a gang and everything.

  • Most of this stuff actually happened to me.

  • - Wow.

  • Okay. Well, that's great for us,

  • 'cause I want you to use it, okay?

  • It was a good first take.

  • Let's just,

  • let's get going.

  • Let's get going.

  • Thank you, Jim.

  • - Scene five, take two.

  • (bell rings)

  • - [Jim] And action!

  • - You sold me out, son.

  • Now son now you're going to end up with a bullet

  • in your head for it.

  • - You can't play me mother (bleep).

  • I'm the mother (bleep) that plays mother (bleep),

  • mother (bleep).

  • - Cut.

  • Cut.

  • Okay. Nigel, that was great.

  • Brilliant.

  • Just the way you move,

  • especially when you talk,

  • I just really see this character coming to life

  • before my eyes.

  • It's fabulous. - Cheers, mate.

  • Cheers. - It's fabulous.

  • Antoine, your performance,

  • it's just not quite there yet, okay?

  • I really need to see you make more of a transformation.

  • Okay?

  • Like Nigel here.

  • - That dude's British.

  • - Antoine, if I might jump in with a bit of advice.

  • - I don't think I need that.

  • - No, no, no. Look, hear him out.

  • - Maybe you might want to try thinking of something

  • in the material

  • that's similar to something that's happened

  • in your real life.

  • For me, for instance,

  • I like to think of when me mum wanted me

  • to attend prep school in Leeds to become a barrister,

  • but I wanted to study the theater at Oxford.

  • - Thank God.

  • - And so that was a conundrum, really, for me.

  • - I'm gonna stop you right there,

  • 'cause it's just confusing me.

  • Right?

  • Like I don't need that,

  • 'cause I am from the streets.

  • I was in a gang.

  • They told me to kill my cousin.

  • - It might be a bit spot on, no?

  • - Yeah. It's a bit spot on.

  • Do you have any stories that involve your mum?

  • - What's a mum?

  • - Oh, dear.

  • - Scene five, take three.

  • (bell rings) Okay.

  • - Antoine, remember, you're a gangster.

  • Okay?

  • Betrayal.

  • The streets.

  • Okay? Nigel you're perfect.

  • Antoine, transform.

  • And action!

  • - You sold me out, son.

  • Now you're going to get a bullet up in your head for it.

  • - You can't play me mother (bleep).

  • I'm the mother (bleep) that plays mother (bleep),

  • mother (bleep).

  • - He's boring to watch.

  • Cut.

  • - That does not sound good.

  • - Antoine, I do not feel

  • like you have found the emotional core of this character.

  • - Man (bleep) this.

  • Nobody is more real to me. Okay?

  • I come from the streets,

  • and nobody's going to tell me what the streets is like.

  • Nobody. You understand?

  • - That's a great speech.

  • I just wish that I believed it.

  • You wanna give it a shot?

  • - Sure, I'll have a go.

  • Man (bleep) this.

  • I'm as real as it gets. - Yes!

  • - This (bleep) streets is for real.

  • I'm up in there, man. - You are.

  • - I'm (bleep) from the (bleep),

  • from the Earth from the streets.

  • Something to that defense, yes.

  • - No, but I'm so with you.

  • I'm with you when you say that,

  • even when you're saying the wrong words.

  • I just wish you could do that.

  • - You know what?

  • (Jim groans)

  • - Oh, goodness.

  • - Okay. That hurts.

  • But I don't feel that it comes

  • from the right emotional place for the character.

  • All right? Here, give it a shot.

  • Watch. Watch.

  • (Jim groans)

  • That's great.

  • I feel that in here and in here.

  • - That's very gracious of-- - In my heart.

  • - To say that. - Try that again.

  • (Jim groans)

  • I just,

  • I don't believe you.

  • - Call my agent.

  • (phone rings)

  • - Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man.

  • - What up, Clyde.

  • Hey, look, man, I'm going to be real with you, okay?

  • This Alien Boys script.

  • I'm not feeling it.

  • I mean, it's hard being Will Smith's son.

  • I just want to make sure my next project

  • reflects I'm a down to earth, normal kid.

  • Am I making any sense?

  • - Yeah, yeah. I'm reading you loud and clear.

  • I've got a script right here,

  • very real, called "Street Ball."

  • - Talk to me.

  • - Okay. So you play Tony.

  • He's a kid from the streets, lives in the hood,

  • in a house with his mom.

  • - Stop.

  • House?

  • - Oh, it's like a tiny mansion.

  • - Got it. Go on.

  • - So his mom and he,

  • they live in this house and she works at a supermarket.

  • - Stop!

  • - [Clyde] Oh, yeah.

  • A supermarket's like a mansion,

  • but it's full of food and anyone could go there.

  • - So like where the butlers go?

  • - [Clyde] Yeah, basically.

  • So, he--

  • - And wait,

  • you said his mom was doing something at the supermarket?

  • - Working.

  • - So.

  • - Well, working is kind of like acting

  • on a set every day in a film that no one's ever gonna see,

  • and it lasts for the rest of your life.

  • - Oh, like a maid?

  • - [Clyde] Yeah. Yeah.

  • She's like the maid of the supermarket.

  • Awesome. Continue.

  • - So, anyway, Tony doesn't make the basketball team.

  • Right?

  • So he decides to start playing pickup games

  • of street ball outside.

  • - So he plays basketball in his plane?

  • - [Clyde] No, on the ground.

  • - In his limo?

  • - No, outside is that stuff that goes by

  • when you're inside the limo.

  • - Oh snap. He plays basketball outside the limo door?

  • - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • So then he gets really good at basketball,

  • and, then, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

  • fast forward, at the heart of the story,

  • Tony has to choose

  • between his mom-- - Choose?

  • - Yeah, choose is when you have to make a decision

  • between two things you want,

  • but you can have only one.

  • - But

  • there's two.

  • - Yeah.

  • But, I mean, he can't have both.

  • - What did I say about science fiction, Clyde?

  • It's a no.

  • - Okay. We'll pass.

  • (Clyde sneezes)

  • - Dad bless you. - Thanks.

  • - Okay, guys, Gremlins 2.

  • I'm telling you,

  • this movie should write itself.

  • First one was a classic,

  • this should be pretty straightforward.

  • Basically, all we're doing is maintaining the integrity

  • of the original picture.

  • We want to do all this stuff with the water,

  • and the...

  • Can we help you?

  • - Oh, sorry.

  • Let me introduce myself.

  • Hi, y'all, my name is Star Magic Jackson Jr.

  • I'm the Hollywood Sequel Doctor.

  • So studios just brings me in to oversee things

  • when they about to drop a deuce.

  • So that's why I'm here,

  • but don't mind me.

  • I'm just going to be over here.

  • Y'all do your thing.

  • It's your movie.

  • - Okay.

  • Let's brainstorm.

  • Adam?

  • - If it's gonna take place in an office building,

  • I was thinking what if Gizmo

  • gets too wet from the water cooler this time?

  • - Okay. Hold on a second.

  • I'm sorry. I'm going to have to step in here.

  • Just one second, sweetheart.

  • So what's wrong with y'all?

  • Y'all looking like a bunch of sad sacks.

  • This is G2, people.

  • We're writin' Gremlins 2,

  • It should be a party with pizza and anchovies,

  • pineapple.

  • Just come on, lift up the spirits.

  • Look, okay,

  • I'm gonna put a little bit of spice into the mixture here.

  • What if we did this?

  • Everybody here gets to design their own Gremlin.

  • - I don't see that the Gremlin design is broken.

  • - It's called brainstorming.

  • I'm brain drizzlin', sweet pea.

  • Okay? Shut your mouth for a second.

  • - Look, here's the thing,

  • none of this is final.

  • - So you mean like what if there was like a brainy Gremlin?

  • (Key laughs)

  • - A brainy Gremlin.

  • - You talking about a gremlin with glasses

  • who could talk and sing "New York, New York?"

  • That's brilliant.

  • It's in the movie. Done.

  • - Whoa. Whoa.

  • You said that nothing was final.

  • - That was before I heard the words

  • brainy and Gremlin in the same sentence together.

  • It's done. I love it.

  • It's in the movie. Next.

  • What about a spider Gremlin?

  • - You mean a Gremlin with eight legs

  • and the thorax just catching pretty ladies

  • in a web in an office building?

  • Oh my God. It's in the movie.

  • I love it.

  • Next.

  • - What about a bat Gremlin?

  • - You mean a gremlin with leathery wings

  • just flying around, flip-flopping, bust through a wall,

  • make a perfect bat symbol in the wall,

  • get outside, get in some wet concrete,

  • jump up on a building,

  • and just dry in place like a gargoyle Gremlin?

  • We are cooking with gas now.

  • I love it.

  • It's in the movie. Next.

  • - Could there be a female Gremlin?

  • - Just lipstick, boobies, bitch.

  • You have me a little Gremlin vajayjay.

  • I love it so much that it's not only in the movie,

  • but it's definitely in the movie.

  • There's no backsies on that one.

  • No penny taxies.

  • Yes! Yes!

  • Yes, in the movie! Done.

  • That's why we need a woman in the writer's room.

  • Next.

  • - I don't know.

  • A googly-eyed Gremlin?

  • - But you do know,

  • because you talkin' about a gremlin

  • whose sole purpose in this film

  • is just that he looks stupid as (bleep),

  • yes, it can be in the movie

  • and it is in the movie.

  • Done. Next.

  • What about you, Silver Fox?

  • - Electricity Gremlin?

  • - You just said noun and Gremlin

  • like you playing Mad Libs.

  • You're just like a child.

  • You have the brain of a child.

  • You do not have a high IQ,

  • but you haphazardly came up a Gremlin

  • that's just made out of bolts

  • that zigzagging all over the room

  • and it's done completely in animation.

  • You a crazy person,

  • and your idea's in the movie.

  • Done. Next.

  • - Can we put the Hulkster in it?

  • - What?

  • You talking about putting Hulk Hogan,

  • professional wrestler turned actor,

  • turned cultural icon,

  • in the movie,

  • where he break the fourth wall of the movie he's in

  • by talking to the audience.

  • You sir, are a raging psychopath.

  • Don't let this town take that away from you.

  • (upbeat electronic music)

  • That's it. I don't even care anymore.

  • We got the Hulkster in this bitch. So it's done.

  • I don't have any more time.

  • So let me just recap right now.

  • It's brainy Gremlin, spider Gremlin, bat Gremlin,

  • lady Gremlin, googly-eyed Gremlin,

  • electricity Gremlin,

  • Hulk Hogan's gonna be in this bitch too.

  • I'm gonna throw in a Gremlin myself.

  • Vegetable Gremlin.

  • Just write it up.

  • I'm having so much fun. - Why not?

  • - Thank you. It's all going to be in the actual film.

  • Now I gotta go put some cowboys in Back to the Future 3.

  • Sayonara, y'all.

  • Oops.

  • (upbeat electronic music)

  • (writers applaud)

  • - No. Okay.

  • You guys know that none of that

  • is gonna be in the actual movie?

  • (upbeat electronic music)

  • (Gene snorts)

  • - Let me go!

  • This is bull (bleep), Gene.

  • - What's the matter, Reg?

  • - In the next episode,

  • Steve Urkel turns Carl into a giant sandwich

  • and accidentally eats him?

  • (Gene laughs)

  • - Well, wait. That's hilarious, buddy..

  • It's hilarious.

  • - Come on! I'm an actor, Gene!

  • This was supposed to be about me and my family.

  • - I know.

  • But, you know, after that first guest spot with Steve Urkel,

  • I mean, America fell in love with him, man.

  • We had to make him a regular.

  • And, you know, hey, listen.

  • He's the star of the shown now, sweetheart.

  • We gotta play ball, bubala.

  • - Don't you dare bubala me, Gene.

  • Now, last week, Steve used his transformation machine

  • to turn Carl into a car

  • and drive them around the Monaco Grand Prix?

  • Come on!

  • How many times are you going to use

  • this transformation machine?

  • This was supposed to be a blue-collar Cosby Show.

  • Now you're turning it into goddamn Quantum Leap.

  • Who writes this (bleep)?

  • - I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to. Okay?

  • We got like 21 writers up there. Okay?

  • You know what I'm saying, Reginald?

  • But you and I both know

  • that they don't decide what happens in the show, okay?

  • We both know who decides what happens in the show.

  • - Two weeks ago,

  • Steve Urkel used his invisibility Ray on Carl

  • and I wasn't even in the goddamn episode,

  • it was just my voice.

  • - Yes, I know. I know, Reg.

  • And I'm sorry. I (bleep) apologize.

  • It will never happen again.

  • - Then Steve uses this voice changing Ray

  • to turn Carl into a high-pitched nerdy voice.

  • Who do you think provided the voice for that?

  • - Don't get too feisty on me now, Reg.

  • Let's not go down that path. Okay?

  • - Oh, oh, we have going down that path, Gene.

  • In a couple of weeks, Harriette, Eddie, Laura, Grandma,

  • Aunt Rachel,

  • Little Richie,

  • and the other little kid are gonna get teleported

  • to another dimension,

  • and then Steve injects Carl with his own DNA,

  • so Carl turns into another Steve Urkel.

  • That's two Steve Urkels,

  • and no family,

  • on a show called Family Matters!

  • How the (bleep) does that work?

  • - Listen. Listen, Reg, I don't know what to tell ya.

  • Urkelmania is unstoppable. Okay?

  • He's a phenomenon.

  • There's nothing we can do about, okay?

  • It's up to

  • him.

  • - No, no, no, no, no!

  • I'm an actor! I'm a (bleep) actor!

  • I'm a real actor.

  • I did Richard III!

  • I was in True West with Sherman Hemsley!

  • I was in Die Hard, dammit!

  • (bleep) Steve Urkel (bleep)!

  • - You will suck Steve Urkel's (bleep) if we want you to.

  • You will suck his (bleep), do you understand?

  • He is our bread and butter, you mother (bleep)!

  • I am high on cocaine!

  • - I'm a (bleep) actor, Gene!

  • I've done more cocaine than you weigh, mother (bleep).

  • - I'm gonna tell you what you are, Reginald Velijohnson,

  • you're a (bleep) pawn

  • in that nerd's game!

  • You are a (bleep) pawn!

  • Do you think I have any power over what that monster does?

  • Any power at all?

  • (Reginald screams)

  • - I am the Senior President of Development

  • for the American--

  • - Gene?

  • Gene?

  • Gene, what's become of you, Gene?

  • - I

  • am nothing.

  • - Gene, I don't know what you mean by that, Gene,

  • but you make you scaring me.

  • No, no, don't do anything crazy, Gene.

  • Everyone does too much coke sometimes,

  • but just,

  • what are you going to do with the gun, Gene?

  • What are you going to do?

  • No, no, no, no, no, no.

  • We can talk this through.

  • Okay.

  • - The King is dead.

  • Long live the King.

  • - No, no, no, no!

  • (bullet fires)

  • (door creaks)

  • - Did I do that?

  • (ominous horn music)

  • - Jaleel.

  • - Jaleel? There is no Jaleel.

  • Only Steve.

  • It's always been Steve.

  • - Yipee-ki-yay, mother (bleep)!

  • (Reginald cries)

  • - Forgetting something, Carl?

  • - Don't you come near me.

  • Stay away from me, you hear?

  • - Could've all been so simple, Carl.

  • Just say your lines and take the money.

  • - You're a monster!

  • What are you doing?

  • I can't control.

  • - Am I doing this?

  • - No, no,

  • no, no, no, no!

  • Steve, I'll do anything!

  • - You will do what I want on Family Matters.

  • - Yes.

  • Of course, Steve.

  • - See you on set, Carl.

  • (Reginald cries)

  • - Get out of my house, Steve!

  • (horn blares)

  • - Hello, everyone.

  • I'm Joseph Carmichael.

  • Otis is,

  • was my father,

  • but we are not here today to mourn his death,

  • but to celebrate his life.

  • We knew Otis as a teacher,

  • a community leader, a role model,

  • a husband, and a father.

  • Now, I thought it would be nice

  • to share something about him

  • y'all may not have known.

  • When my father was younger,

  • he was an actor in Hollywood.

  • Going through my dad's things,

  • I found this real of his work as an actor.

  • I haven't seen it yet,

  • but I thought it would be fun to watch

  • here with all of you today.

  • (film reel ticks)

  • - Where are my pies?

  • Ribbles, where are the pies I put on my windowsill?

  • - Why I don't know, Mrs. Caruthers.

  • Why would anyone wanna steal

  • one of your delicious blueberry pies?

  • - Hey, see to it that you shine those shoes up nice, boy.

  • - Yes, sir.

  • You best be believing I will.

  • I'll shine your shoes blacker than my momma's booty.

  • (attendees gasp)

  • (Otis laughs)

  • (Otis screams)

  • (Otis grunts)

  • - Oh, hell nah!

  • (Otis screams)

  • (film reel ticks)

  • - In 1964, my father marched with Martin Luther King Jr.

  • and Harry Belafonte,

  • along with other renowned civil rights leaders.

- I'm an actor!

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