Oh, what's-- What's that?

This is a picture of my vagina

after my hysterectomy.

Okay.

This is what happens when you get old.

Good thing is that you still young.

And more important, your vagina's still young.

Right.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

I know you will live special life.

(plastic crinkling, dramatic music playing)

(plastic crinkling, dramatic music playing)

Oh, I got something stuck to my teeth.

(dramatic music continues)

(scratching)

You know what? It is, Grandma.

I-- I-- You know what?

I can't live a special life...

here, right?

I think-- I think I need to move out.

Well, then move out.

Yeah.

You don't wanna end up like Esther Wong,

sleeping in the same room as her 89-year-old parents.

Jesus.

It's like a Chinese version

of "Willy Wonka."

Right.

She's starting her own career.

Oh, yeah? How's that going?

It's going super dope, super dope, super dope.

Uh, got temporarily fired from Commutez.

Yeah.

What? Where does this Commutez live?

I'm gonna eat her ass.

Grandma, it's "beat" her ass.

Yeah.

Hey.

Maybe Edmund can get you a job. Huh?

What do you say, bro?

Uh, well, Uncle Wally,

it's kinda hard to get a job in tech.

Most of my colleagues went to Ivy League schools.

Most have advanced degrees.

And Nora has a certificate from ITT Tech?

Oh, she loves computers.

Maybe she work for Apple store.

Yeah, more like the Microsoft store.

(laughing)

Bill Gates sucks.

Yeah.

You know, actually, Edmund, I just got offered

a really cool job in tech.

Really cool, solid pay, good benefits, yeah.

What?

I get Delta Dental.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, you see? My girl got special job.

Thanks, Grandma.

Yeah.

I asked the hairdresser,

I said I wanted to look like Eminem.

You succeeded. It looks awesome.

Thank you.

You want to go to Atlantic City with me today?

We have an extra ticket

because my friend Shu Shu

got hit by a Citibike.

Oh, no.

Oh, shattered her pelvis.

It's multiple fragments,

some of them as small as a mouse tooth.

Jesus.

Anyway, we don't want

to let her bus ticket go to waste.

Wanna go?

You know, I--

I have a lot of things to be doing today.

And I'm just gonna tie up some bells and whistles

and some mends and looses and things like that...

Okay, I understand.

It's just that Shu Shu,

my best best friend from way back,

do you know what she says?

"I wish I had a granddaughter like yours.

"She's so well-behaved and so beautiful.

And she always does everything for her grandmother."

And now she is paralyzed from the waist down

and up and all around.

And she could really use some good news,

like her bus ticket not going to waste.

Because it's such a shame to waste money.

(sighs) But Grandma understands.

(sobbing)

Oh, Shu Shu...

All right, Grandma, I'll go with you

to Atlantic City!

Okay, see you downstairs.

And don't embarrass me.

Just let us use the outlet.

Maybe you all should just read a book.

Then you won't need an outlet.

Don't talk to us Chinese about books, bitch.

We invented paper.

Don't talk to Koreans about charging, bitch.

We invented Samsung.

Then where are all the Galaxies?

All I see are iPhones.

(speaking Korean)

That's what I thought.

(speaking Korean)

What do you think you're doing?

What I shoulda done this morning!

Don't you have a floor to spit on somewhere?

Ah, don't mess with me.

I will cut you and I will bite you.

Chinese teeth are harder than Korean teeth.

Really?

Yeah.

(overlapping shouting)

Kimchi bitches!

(overlapping shouting)

We both got Marcia Clarks!

Oh, Ma.

(laughing)

that Nancy Hong is looking for an office assistant

at her real estate firm.

You're on Weibo?

Well, yeah!

Weibo, American Twitter, Reddit, Xanga.

I got a lot to say.

(sighs, whispering) Dad, can you call Nancy, please? Please?

I gotta get my car out of jail, Dad.

All right, fine, fine. I'll see what I can do.

(alert chimes)

Whoa...

Taye Diggs is following me.

He's hot.

Wasn't he married to Adele...

Idina Menzel.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Adele...

Idina Menzel!

You think this is nice for our dinner?

It's my funeral outfit.

Your funeral outfit is... hot.

♪ I bump it with a trumpet ♪

♪ Bump, bump, bump

What about your car?

Oh. It's out gettin' cleaned,

'cause I gotta make it nice, right?

Because I'm taking you out to

the nicest restaurant in the city.

Okay. To...

(both shouting in Chinese)

(both chuckling)

♪ Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

♪ Get up Everybody get up ♪

♪♪

Hello.

Hi .

Remember me?

Um, I would like to reopen my bank account, please.

As you will find here, I have my birth certificate.

Yes, I was born.

Great.

Social security card, right?

There ya go. All right.

Yeah.

Me in elementary school as a baby.

I went to school when I was a baby.

Huh.

Yeah.

Actually, we're good with the IDs.

And, uh, this check here,

that I would love to cash after I reopen my account.

Thank you very much.

I'm a very important customer here.

Don't mess with me. I know people.

I'll-- I'll get that taken care of right away, Mrs. Lin.

Yeah.

(keyboard clacking)

Whoa, Grandma, that was-- you're intense.

(computer beeps)

Uh, Miss Lin.

Your account has been reactivated

and the check has been deposited.

Cool.

And, because you're technically opening a new account,

I can offer you a $25 signing bonus.

I would love that. Thank you.

Uh, would you like it deposited into the account?

In cash, please!

Because I would like to use it

to take my grandma to dinner.

Oh, Nora. You don't have to.

I want to.

Here you go.

I want crispy bills for my granddaughter,

None of that wrinkly shit that you pull out of your asshole.

(chuckles) Okay.

(sweetly) Pleasure doing business with you.

You too, Mrs. Lin. Always a pleasure.

Bye.

It's obvious.

He needs to bury the snake in the bush.

Yeah, exactly.

He needs to take his baggage

and he needs to just bury it in his past.

Oh, no, no. I meant throw a log in the fire.

Park the bus in tuna town.

Play mattress Macarena.

Okay.

Get it?

I have to go, Grandma. I'm gonna go.

♪ Ay, Macarena

Hey, come out to Provo, Utah.

And then we can do a cleanse.

Grandma's definitely gonna eat it.

All right.

Bye, I miss ya already.

Bye.

Are you gonna eat that?

Hey. Put it in the garbage.

Anyway, do you like the dumplings, Grandma?

Oh, yes, they're very tasty.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, my two dumplings!

(whispering) Just blink if you love me more.

It's okay. He's not looking.

I'm right here.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

♪♪

(bell dings)

(phone beeping)

(Grandma's voice) Winking rabbit giving a thumbs-up sign.

Yeah!

Ma?

Is this rehab?

Oh, I knew you were on drugs.

What is it?

Meth, shrooms...?

No. Ma!

Ice horse?

Ma.

Crack dabs?

If you say opium...

What?

...I will slap the yellow out of you.

Ma! What are you doing here?

I'm glad that you're getting help

from all these other losers.

But why didn't you come to me first?

Ma... this isn't rehab.

It's a support group for single parents!

Oh, but you have that weird spoon.

And the other night with all that screaming.

I was on a date, okay?

With Brenda!

I thought we weren't allowed to date in the group.

Oh, Toby... no.

Ma, Brenda gave me the spoon.

And it's not a spoon, all right?

It's a deep and meaningful art piece

about self-expression and quiet chaos!

Yes, thank you.

You're welcome.

So you're not on drugs?

No.

And I didn't tell you about the date

because I knew you would go crazy.

I'm not going crazy!

Hello.

Hi.

Are you divorced or is your husband dead?

Uh...

Oh, my God!

because my son is on drugs!

(sobbing hysterically)

Even though you're gone,

it still smells like weed in here.

Ugh.

(sighs, breathing deeply)

(screaming)

Oh... you're hurt.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh...

You'll be okay. I'll take care of you.

I'm Grandma.

I'm gonna name you...

Boris.

This soup will help you heal.

Hey, Ma?