Conan & Sona Compete In Big Dick History: The Quiz – "Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend"

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It's time to go back in time
for another edition of Big Dick History.
How is this doing by the way, this Big Dick History?
We stumbled upon it the way one stumbles upon
a large penis in life.
And then suddenly you guys are telling me
we have to do it more
and we have to do it again, which leads me to believe
that there's been some kind of response out there.
It's taking over the world.
Oh.
Yeah. Big Dick History, well, it's big.
It's making history and it's a big dick.
I don't
I will tell you, I'll tell you this.
It combines things that people are fascinated by.
It's history with those history podcasts do very well.
And then penises.
It's the only history I'll listen to.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I mean, I know you are really into like dates and details
but I'm just like how big was the dick that was involved?
Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
Well if this is something that America wants
then it's our job to give it to them.
That's right.
So
You're welcome.
I mean, this can't bite us in the ass.
The bigger the Dick, the bigger the fall, but who cares?
We're going to do something today called Big Dick History,
the quiz. Are you ready?
Yup.
Okay. Just buzzing by yelling your name.
If you know the answer.
Okay.
Number one, what historical figures, swaying
and weighing was described by a Time Magazine journalist
in 1927, as a quote "maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace?"
Wait a minute. Can I hear the question?
(laughing)
What
What historical figures,
swaying and weighing, was described by
a Time Magazine journalist
in 1927 as a maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace?
Oh my god.
Is it, Rasputin? Napoleon?
Prince Albert? Or Vladimir Lenin?
Oh, it would be.
I'm going to say Sona.
Yes Sona.
Lennon.
Incorrect.
I'm going to say Napoleon.
Napoleon is correct.
God damn it.
All right, one point
They actually claim to have Napoleon's penis.
That's right.
The others would not be available for inspection
whereas I think Napoleon's would be.
My understanding is it's actually at like a book sellers.
Keep in mind, a lot of this research is rumor based,
but for our purposes, who cares?
You know, it's not only owned, Napoleon's penis
by a book seller, did you know this?
It's used as a bookmark.
It's a shoelace.
Yeah, that explains a lot.
Yeah. When this guy is reading "Fifty Shades of Grey"
and he gets to a,
he's tired and he wants to just turn in for the night,
he puts Napoleon's penis into the book and shuts it.
After he uses it to floss his teeth. Okay next question.
(indistinct)
How can you go too far on Big Dick History?
You know what you can and you just did.
Yeah you did.
It's an achievement.
Using a dick as floss.
I think that's where we draw the line for Big Dick History.
Well we had to find it.
Number two, actor Gary Cooper was nicknamed
the Pennsylvania pipeline, New York pork,
old faithful, or the Montana mule?
Pennsylvania pipeline.
That's incorrect.
No, it's correct.
No, don't start this again, this is Big Dick History.
You have to lose graciously.
Just try to lose graciously some way.
Wait, what was the question again?
I thought we were asking what's the best way to get oil
to Pennsylvania to Philadelphia?
No.
Was that the question?
It's the Pennsylvania pipeline.
It's not.
Oh yeah, the Montana mule yeah.
Sona. What's your answer?
Go with go with Montana mule and you'll win.
I don't, I don't want to,
Go ahead.
Cause if I do, then I know that you
No go ahead it's Montana mule.
No, I'm going to go with old faithful actually.
It's Montana mule.
So nobody gets the point there
Yeah but you know what?
I get a point for telling Sona what
No you don't.
No because I knew it was correct, and then I told Sona.
She refused to take it out of foolish pride,
and she went down in flames.
If you knew it,
why did you say the Pennsylvania one first?
Because I had a funny joke
about how to get to oil, to to Philadelphia.
That doesn't make any sense.
You just had you got it wrong.
And then you've just a second time.
So your chances
of getting it right the second time were better.
Nope. I always win. Go ahead.
You did definitely didn't win, that was wrong.
So Conan was wrong on that one, Gourley?
Okay.
Conan O'Brien's always right
was the original name of this podcast.
You're giving Big Dick History a double meaning
on this podcast.
Okay. Number three.
Edit that out.
Athlete, Wilt Chamberlain's
big guy was nicknamed: the stilt, big dipper, drill bit
or the bazooka?
Sona.
Sona.
I don't like, can I say something,
shouting out your name.
You're winning and you're still somehow a sore loser.
This is incredible.
I'm going to guess the stilt.
That's not correct, sorry.
Come on, all I have to do is guess.
Conan the remaining choices are big dipper, drill bit,
or the bazooka.
We all know it's the drill bit.
Sorry. It's the big dipper.
Yeah. I know.
You got it wrong Conan, I'm not sure if you knew that.
Here's the thing.
I know the answers to all of these
but by appearing not to know them
I don't come across as someone who's obsessed with penises.
I should have known, never to do a quiz.
All right.
Okay. Number four.
Most infuriating person to do this with,
there's no one worse.
Conan! Oh I thought that was the next question.
Number four, Juan Baptista Dosantos
was known for A, a forked schlong,
B, one main schlong
with a tiny little schlong coming out of it,
kind of like how a Xenomorph
in the movie "Alien" has one of those little things.
C, two separate working sclongs
or D, the biggest schlong ever on record.
I'm going to Sona.
Yeah.
I'm going to say a double schlong.
The two separate working schlongs?
Yes.
Or the one main schlong.
Two separate working schlongs.
That's correct.
Conan I got it right, I just wanted you to hear.
Did everyone notice that she has a hard g
and she went schlong
Oh this again.
That's what you're gonna
Schlonga, schlonga, that threw me off. Schlonga.
And then I'm like I don't even wanna play
when I hear schlonga.
Okay you wanna be petty like that?
That's fine, that's okay.
We're all tied up
Right, and you got it wrong.
We're what, what are, what are Gourley?
We're all tied up, three questions left.
We had a very popular, stunningly popular podcast
until we took on this.
This horrible turn down this awful road.
All right, go ahead.
Number five, though evidence is scant,
Adolf Hitler is rumored to have had which two
genital abnormalities.
Okay. So you have to name both.
And if one person gets only one
and the other person gets none, they'll win.
Okay. One, undescended testicle, two, missing testicle
three, penile hypospadias, which is the urethra opens
on the underside of the penis or four, micropenis.
Okay. I have the answer to this
and I pick two or pick one?
You pick two.
Well, first of all
one ball is one, one testicle
Missing testicle.
Missing testicle is, is I mean soldiers sang songs
about it during World War II, probably propaganda.
And then the other would be the micropenis.
You got one right, you got the missing testicle.
Micropenis is incorrect.
Well I'm
I think its the ure
I'm sorry, you, you guessed already, and
you got it, you got one right.
Well, I'm saying micro micro penis is a relative term.
I think compared to mine, it would be a micro penis.
I'm going to guess it's the urethra one,
where the urethra is underneath.
That's correct, so you each get a point here.
Okay.
It's all tied still. This is exciting.
Tied Conan. It's tied.
The Big Dick History quiz and we're tied, so.
Number six. Which classic rock star had his big
old yam cast in plaster.
I got it.
Okay.
Jimi Hendrix.
That's correct, nice.
Oh wow. How do you know that?
Cause I own it.
I, I use it as a, it's a Popsicle mold and yeah.
I mean, no one knows.
I just distribute them through the neighborhood.
No one knows what they're really sucking on
except that it's delicious and cherry.
What an awful, awful road we've gone down.
Yeah, okay. Final questions so Sona
you can tie it up here or Conan
you can take the victory.
I want this. I want this so bad.
Number seven. Errol Flynn once used his John Thomas
to do what: swat a fly, play piano,
open a door, or hail a cab?
Me.
Sona.
I know this one actually.
Play the piano.
That's correct.
Oh, was that what you were gonna say?
Yep.
No, you know what, now you can lie.
No that's a famous, that's a well-known story.
Yeah. He played a, a rag, a Baltimore rag.
He played with his left hand
and his penis and apparently he did three shows a night.
Oh.
True story, true story. He was a session,
he was a session musician, he's appears
on a lot of a classic Bing Crosby songs.
And it just, but he's uncredited.
You can just hear in the background, the piano
which is lovely, lovely playing.
Oh god.
Occasionally you hear a flap, but other than that
He's all thumbs.
Yeah.
Then the tie breaker here is, I'm just going to see
if you guys can guess the answer
to this question without multiple choice.
What is Jonah Falcon known for:
Having a big penis.
Would you care to elaborate?
Large penis.
But that's ridiculous.
That's the, that's the point of this quiz.
I know that's called me being really good at guessing.
I'm going to need more information.
You're going to need more than that.
He, that person had the largest penis.
No. What could he do with it?
He made puppets. Penis puppets.
Conan. Why don't you give your answer?
Sona seems to have given hers and we'll see who gets
You're going to accept that as an, as an answer is
I'm going to, I'm going to accept your answer
and then see who's the most correct.
Can I hear the name again?
You're stalling.
Jonah Falcon.
Yeah. Who was Jonah Falcon Conan.
Don't you, are you Googling?
I'm not Googling!
You're gonna be disqualified.
I'm not Googling, I'm not Googling!
What are you looking at your phone for?
I'm not Googling.
Why are you looking at your phone right now?
I'm not Googling.
You have four seconds. Three, two, one.
Porn, he was a porn actor, I know that.
Cause you Googled it.
No, I just happened to know that I, I know a lot about.
No, that's ridiculous! That's ridiculous!
I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything
cheated in Big Dick History quiz.
I didn't cheat.
I mean, that's a new low
That's worse than the flossing.
No, that's not true.
Why do you say that I did something that's wrong?
I didn't do anything that's wrong.
What I'm saying is, he claims, listen
we all know that.
He's the guy that who claimed in 1999
that he had the largest penis in the world at 13.5 inches.
That's just something people know.
Oh my God really? 13.5 inches?
He has the largest penis on a record, apparently.
Yeah. But you know what they found out later
and this is a true story that they, on closer examination,
he had stapled four penises together.
He also claims to be the son of John Holmes.
Yeah. But it's the, it's the staples that gave it away.
You can't do that.
Can I just say one thing, if you're out there
and you would like a larger penis
and that's something occasionally people wish for,
stapling other penises to your penis
is not the way to go kids.
It's just, it doesn't work. Trust me.
And it's really no substitute
for just liking yourself as who you are.
The more you know, the more you know.
That's my public service announcement.
Congratulations Sona. Do you have any words?
Wait, I don't see. Wait a minute first of all
Thank you so much Big Dicks in History.
What a shitty way to win Sona.
Congratulations.
It's not shitty cause you cheated,
that's why I won.
No, no, no, no,
congratulations. You won the contest of Bush v Gore.
Congratulations, President Bush.
What a weird way to win
You wanted to win so bad.
You needed this.
You needed the Supreme court.
I.E. Gourley to step in and hand it to you.
Despite the fact
that I won overwhelming in the popular vote.
Ha you didn't win, you got your answers wrong.
and then you now you're attacking my hard g
And that concludes another episode of
Big Dick History. Sona wins, Sona wins.
Can you be a grownup, you have children.
You know what I love, no one gets angrier.
No one gets it more competitive and angrier than Sona.
It's true. You got to win
God. I get, imagine, oh my God, I am so mad right now.
I'm mad and I won, and that's the thing that pisses me off.
Oh, you love this. You are the worst person I've ever met.
He's playing piano.
I'm playing piano.
(Conan vocalizes piano)
He's got two of them.
Why can't you say congratulations on your victory Sona.
Sona, to congratulate you on being declared the winner
because of a rule infraction
Cause you cheated
In multiple choice, Big Dick History is the saddest win.
I can imagine.
And for me to congratulate you on that to me is
beyond the pale, I won't do it.
You cheated.
It's okay. It's you, your victory has been ratified.
It's certified. You've won Sona.
Yeah. You should feel good about it.
And I don't
You're Trump and I'm Biden.
That's the way this is.
It's not Gore Bush.
Still a lot of people
But join us next week for Big Bush History.
I, is this really what the podcast is gonna become?
Dicks and bush and you snickering and Sona laughing is that?
I was trying to elevate the podcast
make it something, I was
and try and make it something special.
And then you guys come
in with your snickering elementary school shenanigans.
I won't have it. I won't have it.
If you won, you'd be very different right now.
And that's that to me is my prize, is seeing how
angry you are and how you're attacking my hard g's
because you're so mad you lost it this quiz.
And I won and that's something I'm going to have forever.
(Conan laughing)