even know what to do with Goemon yet, or even what to call him. But we didn’t care. All

that mattered was there was this weird game in Japan or whatever, and you beat the bejeezus

out of things with a pipe, and it was awesome. Six years later, we saw the return of this

madness in Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon for the N64. And a couple scant months after

that, a game by exactly the same name... for the Game Boy. The original-butt Game Boy.

1998. Pokemon Gold and Silver could get away with something like that. Goemon? Not so much.

It offered scant few of the isometric antics of the Super NES original, and none of its

successor’s 3D potential. Instead, it was... well, Zelda by any other name. Just without

Zelda’s level of depth or polish.

The Black Ship Gang’s sailed into Edo and are on the rampage, performing INDISCRIMINATE

THEFTS! I hate indiscriminate thefts. Also, they kidnapped Yae, apparently because green-haired

girls make the best sacrifices. It’s up to Goemon, Ebisumaru or Sasuke to make their

way through overhead screen after overhead screen of wandering ronin, ninja, and rock-spitting

sea creatures of various flavors. (Yep, this is getting more and more like Zelda.) Their

only means of recourse against these foes are a close-range melee weapon that can fire

a small projectile at full health (Nintendo, start your lawyers) and shuriken, which account

for about 65% of all the treasure boxes you’re going to find throughout the course of the

game. The actual gameplay suffers from poor controls, annoying enemies, and a general

barrenness that really just makes me miss the bustle of the previous games in the series.

The saving grace, though, is in the mini-games. And that’s a depressing thing to say.

Yes, you might have to punch out an evil warlord using Goemon’s personal giant robot, the

Impact. (Which is awesome, because now I know I’m not the only one naming giant robots

after fonts. I have a mecha in my driveway called the Copperplate.) You might have to

defeat a giant octopus who, after taking several shuriken to each of eight knees, busts out

his TRUE FORM: Pick the Lantern that Doesn’t Match! And if you lose, you just die and have

to start all over (unless you’ve written down slash drawn the latest password, all

Castlevania-style). I recognize that the release of Pokemon rejuvenated the Game Boy, and that

people again remembered that, hey, this thing exists. You’d think, nine years into the

system’s life, they’d be doing it a little bit better. You can’t even play Gradius.

And that’s as damning an indictment as any.