distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know who you are

honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher

so,and thank you to all the graduating class of 2009

I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday

but you can't graduate 'til I finish, so listen up.

When I was asked to make the commencement speech

I immediately said yes

Then I went to look up what commencement meant

Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary

but most of the books in our house are Portia's

and they're all written in Australian

So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

Commencement: common, and cement

Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks

Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back

So there's that

But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus

- alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school.

And I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows,I didn't go to any college at all

Any college. And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or money

but look at me, I am a huge celebrity.

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks our mascot was the knockers

I spent a lot of time here growing up.

My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse

But why am I here today?

Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.

I'm here because of you.

Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class.

I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes

Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up.

I'm here because I love New Orleans

I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you

while I was living here I only did laundry six times.

When I finished school, I was completely lost.

And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.

And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.

I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress,

I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea.

And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent

maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan,my point is that, by the time I was your age,

I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea.

Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.

So what I'm saying is, when you're older, most of you will be gay.

Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life

and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.

I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident

And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going

and I found out shortly after that, it was her.

And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money,

I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.

And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here?

I don't understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be so convenient

if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God

which was one sided and I finished writing it and I looked at it,

and I said to myself -- and I hadn't even been doing stand up, ever

there was no club in town, and I said I'm going to do this on the the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

at the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the first woman on the history of the show

to be called over to sit down, and several years later

I was the first woman in the history of the show,

and the only woman in the history of the show,to sit down

because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote

And I started this path of stand up and it was successful,

and it was great, but it was hard because I was trying to please everybody,

and I had this secret that I was keeping that I was gay

and I thought that if people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't laugh at me

then my career turned into -- I got my own sitcom,

and that was very successful, another level of success

and I thought what if they find out I'm gay?

Then they'll never watch...

This was a long time ago, this was just when we had White presidents

but anyway,this was back, many years ago.

And I finally decided that I was living with so much shame

and so much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore

and I decided to come out, and make it creative

and my character would come out at the same time

and it wasn't to make a political statement

it wasn't to do anything but free myself from this heaviness that I was carrying around

and I just wanted to be honest, and I thought What's the worst that could happen

I could lose my career.

I did. I lost my career.

I got the show was cancelled after six years without even telling me, I read it in the paper.

The phone didn't ring for three years

I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me at all

And yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide,

but didn't because of what I did

and I realized that I had a purpose

and it wasn't just about me, and it wasn't about celebrity

but I felt like I was being punished

and it was a bad time and I was angry and I was sad

and then I was offered a talk show

and the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it

and most stations didn't want to pick it up

most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me

and really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing

I mean it was so important for me to lose everything

because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself

and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place I don't live in fear, I'm free

I don't have any secrets and I know I'll always be OK because no matter what

I know who I am.

So in conclusion, when I was younger

I thought success was something different

I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star

I want to be in movies, when I grow up I want to see the world

drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

how many people thought it was boobies by the way?

It's not -- its groupies

but my idea of success is different today and as you'll grow

you will realize your definition of success changes.

For many of you, today success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila

for me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity

and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you're not.

To live your life as an honest and compassionate person

to contribute in some way.

so to conclude my conclusion

follow your passion, stay true to yourself

never follow someone else's path

unless you're in the woods and your lost

and you see a path, then by all means you should follow that

Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass

don't take anyone's advice.

So my advice to you is to

be true to yourself and everything will be fine

and I know a lot of you are concerned about your future

but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming

the job market is wide open

the planet is just fine

it's gonna be great

You have already survived a hurricane,what else can happen to you?

And as I mentioned before, sometimes the most devastating things that

happen to you will teach you the most

and now you know the right questions to ask for your first job interview,

like, Is it above sea level?

so to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded in my common cement speech

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big Mardi Gras

but instead of showing people your boobs show people your brain

and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with

and you'll be drunk.most of the time

So to the class of 2009 I say congratulations

and if you don't remember a thing I said today

remember this: you're gonna be ok

dum de dum dum dum, just dance