XBLA and PSN. My immediate reaction to the massive quarter-slurping adventure was, and

I quote, “Wonder if this means we’ll actually see that Simpsons arcade game again.” Lo

and behold, the prophecy has been fulfilled: this is the same absurd beat-’em-up that

stole your allowance back in ‘91. This interpretation was actually the first-ever Simpsons video

game, predating Bart Vs. the Space Mutants by a couple months. More uniquely, though,

it’s the only Simpsons game to be developed outside the US, by a Konami team that simply

repurposed their already-famous Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles engine. Clever, clever.

The Second First Family of Primetime Animation are taking a stroll for whatever reason, when

Smithers busts out of a jewelry store, presumably to steal even more wealth for Mr. Burns. Which

seems to make no sense, but when’s that ever stopped a good jewel heist? Unfortunately,

during the fracas a massive diamond gets switched for little Maggie’s pacifier, leading Smithers

to simply abscond with the entire child! That knave! Fortunately, you’ve got no qualms

about going all Itchy and Scratchy on their asses, or the asses of any suits, cronies,

or... um. Bears. There’s a freaking BEAR. And some dudes wielding... cabers? Not sabers,

cabers. And... then we go to Magicant. I thought Bart’s Nightmare wasn’t released ‘till

‘92? And what are we doing in... Japan? Ninja? In my Simpsons arcade brawler?

Despite the western source material, this is very much a classic, Japanese-style beat

‘em up. You walk to the right, and you HIT THINGS. With fists, vacuum cleaners, jump

ropes, skateboards, mallets, slingshots, mops, what have you. And if that’s not enough,

you can combine the forces of two family members to lay down some serious damage. It’s a

crazy romp as it is, never mind the absurd level of depth to some of the references.

Don’t tell Sigourney Weaver, but there’s totally an Aliens machine in the background

of one stage. There’s also a number of rabbits from Matt Groenig’s pre-Simpsons comic Life

in Hell, a full cast of background characters from Otto to Skinner to Nelson, and voice

acting from the actual cast! ‘Cuz that whole Mr. Sparkle plot line wouldn’t happen for

another 6 years, anyway.

But, this being a more modern era, the game itself contorts to the will of the player.

Case in point: this download includes both the American and Japanese versions of the

arcade ROM, though the experience is much the same. Also, the difficulty can be altered

to taste and the starting level can be altered, though the cool unlocks are only available

if you beat the game clear through without stopping. (Unfortunately, as the only way

to show more than one character is to stop the game entirely and restart it, you’ll

just have to find that out for yourselves.)

Ask and ye shall receive, it would seem. I dropped more than my fair share of quarters

on this thing back in the day, but now it can be yours for just ten bucks. That’s

one roll of quarters. If you’re old enough to remember when arcades were a thing, and

you want to put that word back into “XBox Live Arcade,” I can’t recommend this thing

enough. And if this trend continues, I have only one thing to say to Konami: “I guess

SunsetRiders is next, eh?”