so let's get into the details.

(upbeat music)

Hey there, I'm Alex Lyon,

and I actually have a one-hour course

on effective listening skills for leaders.

I will tell you more about that at the end of the video.

So listening is so important

because good listening is probably the easiest way

to connect with other people and build relationships.

Active listening is the opposite of passive listening,

and you have probably experienced this.

The person you're talking to might technically be hearing

some of what you're saying,

but they're tuned out.

They're on autopilot.

They're just not mentally engaged with what you're saying.

And as the speaker, this can be very dissatisfying,

very discouraging

when people really aren't paying attention to us,

like, why am I even talking in the first place?

But active listening looks, sounds, and feels obvious.

Active listening means listening completely.

But before anybody does that well,

there are two secrets,

two prerequisites to active listening.

Number one, you have to commit.

You have to put aside whatever else might be distracting you

and make listening a real priority.

Good listening is first and foremost a choice that you make

every time somebody speaks.

Number two, it takes practice.

Like any skill, you have to work at it.

The good news is that listening

is not mysterious or complicated,

so let's talk about four qualities of active listening

that you can put into practice.

First, active listening involves nonverbal communication,

and there are two sides to this.

On the one hand,

you're demonstrating that you're engaged

and paying attention nonverbally.

You put your devices completely away.

You make eye contact.

Your body posture is open

and oriented toward the other person.

Now, on the other side,

you're also noticing the speaker's nonverbal cues.

There's an expression, you listen with your eyes.

And part of that means you're noticing what's happening

with the person visually,

on their mood or their emotion that they're showing.

Do they look nervous, frustrated, annoyed?

You can pick up on that by actively observing

their nonverbal communication.

Second, active listening involves verbal communication.

Again, there are two sides to this.

The most obvious part is asking good questions.

Probably the most common pattern

that good listeners demonstrate

is that they ask a good question

and then they let the speaker fully answer it.

Like a good mental health therapist

will ask thoughtful questions

and then stop talking for a while

and let the client speak.

Honestly, what we're paying for in many cases

is just somebody to listen carefully to us.

So a good question is a huge part of the listening pie.

And the other part of verbal communication

is those small utterances

that show the other person that we're following them.

Like I hear you, yeah, that makes sense.

Sometimes it's not even full words.

It might just be, hmm, ah.

Those little utterances keep us engaged

and show the other person that we're following.

Third, active listening involves responding

to what somebody just said.

So the pattern goes like this.

You ask a question, they respond,

for however long that takes.

And at the end of that talking term,

you give an informed response to them.

So let's say you just asked a person

what they've been up to lately,

that's your question.

And in their talking turn they tell you

that they have been doing diving lately.

So you actively listen for a while while they're talking,

and at the end of their talking turn, it's your turn again,

and this is where you show

that you were actively following along

and were interested in what they were saying,

and you can do this by reflecting back what you just heard.

You might say something like, wow,

that sounds like an exciting sport.

That's really cool that you're doing that.

Or you could ask another follow-up question.

I had no idea that you were into diving.

How did you first get into that?

Of course you could do a little bit of both,

like I just did.

You could make an informed, reflective statement,

and then ask a follow-up question.

The key is to respond to what they have just been saying.

What you don't wanna do is just look at them blankly

and not react when they're done talking,

and you've probably had somebody do this to you.

You tell them about part of your day

or something about your life,

and they don't react.

They just have this stone face.

That's not active listening.

If you want a gold star for active listening,

then you have to respond to what they just said.

Fourth, keep the focus on them and let them talk.

Now this one might seem obvious because you're listening,

but when you decide to go into that listening mode,

just make a decision that this is gonna be

all about the other person talking and not about you.

Resist that temptation to jump in with your own story

or to change the subject to your favorite topic.

Keep your talking turns and questions concise,

and then stick to whatever topic they're interested in.

Now, eventually, once they've done plenty of talking,

there will usually be an opportunity

later in the conversation

for you to share your experiences.

But my rule of thumb is to dedicate

at least the first half of the conversation

to pure active listening.

So I hope these four tips help you listen completely

in your next conversation.

Question of the day,

which one of these tips do you need the most work on?

I would love to read what you have to say

below in that comment section.

And I do have two follow-up videos on listening coming soon

on comprehensive listening and empathetic listening,

and I'll link to those in the description below

once they are posted.

And I also have a one-hour course

on effective listening skills for leaders.

You can find out more about that

by following the link in the description below the video,

and you can find out all the details by following that link.

So thanks, God bless, and I'll see you in the next video.