[laughing]

I don't know if I'd call myself an international playboy.

[laughing]

[growls]

Just what are you two ignorami doing out here?

We're trying to hurt each other.

- Oh! - Hey, what the...?

You got a sea spider on your head.

It's not, a sea spider, you dope.

It's... my hair.

We should open our own restaurant

and stop lining Old Man K's pockets.

No thanks. I'm just doing this until

my clarinet career takes off.

What if it never does?

Don't you want to have something to fall back on?

Yeah, hah.

I could lose my beautiful flowing hair, too,

but I'm not buying a wig yet.

I think I fancy a stroll around the park.

[doorbell ringing] Oh, Squidward!

What do you want?

Hello? What's this?

Someone left me some money for a perm.

[giggling]

Come to Harry.

Ow!

[laughing]

SpongeBob! Oh, my hair!

SpongeBob...!

[laughing]

- Good evening. - [whistling]

And... welcome to the... Krusty Krab semi-annual charity night.

Squidward, you look beautiful.

Let me show you to your table.

My table? Oh, fancy.

[gasps] My very own name tag.

[shower running]

[brushing teeth]

[gargling, spitting]

[giggling]

[creaking]

[giggling]

[whispering]

- Hi, Patrick. - [giggles]

[harpsichord music playing]

[clears throat]

Good evening, students. Now, our first--

[all, slowly] Good evening, professor.

As I was saying, our first...

Yes?

Aren't you going to write your name on the board

like most professors do?

M-My name? What for?

Well, you know, it just seems like teachers

usually write their names on the board

the first day of class.

[sighs] Why don't you come write your name on the board?

We'll see how you like it.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[humming]

Huh?

[SpongeBob and Patrick wailing]

Ghost!

Ho, ho, ho!

Hello? Yes? Who's there?

Huh? Hello? Show yourself.

Whoo-hoo? Hello? Who is it?

I'm hear, you dunce!

I mean, Merry Christmas, little boy.

[gasps] C-Could it be?

Yes, it is I, Santa Claus!

Ho, ho, ho!

[grunting]

We don't leave until we catch that clam

and rescue me dollar.

That's it, I'm finished.

We've been here for three days and haven't gotten a nibble.

This is hopeless!

Hey, Squidward,

I bet old man Krabs is going to break any day.

Eh, Squidward? Eh, Squidward?

Eh, Squidward?

Eh, Squidward?

Eh, Squidward? Eh, Squidward?

[clearing throat]

[sighs]

Please, SpongeBob, no tricks.

Trust me, Squidward.

[SpongeBob screaming] ♪ La, la, la-la-la-la! ♪

♪ La, la, la! ♪

[crowd gasping]

SpongeBob!

Why have you stopped playing that wonderful music?

[resumes screaming]

This music touches me ever so.

Where are we going? Fancy Springs?

No.

Pamper Island?

Try again.

Oh, oh, oh! Bikini Bottom Folk Village?

Better than that.

Clam fishing?

Hmm, honey...

Come on, SpongeBob, tackle me.

Squidward, you need bed rest.

I'll keep you safe until you're well again.

Oh, I get it, you don't know what day it is, do you?

Uh, Wednesday?

Why, it's Opposite Day.

You mean you've never heard of it?

Boy, have you been missing out.

Opposite Day is the one day of the year

when you get to act different.

Normally I am stuffy and boring,

but today I am silly and spontaneous.

[giggling]

[bell ringing]

Howdy do, y'all?

Great, another hayseed.

Charge him double for his drinks.

Howdy, partner.

Pardon, but is this seat taken?

Yeah, some fancy dude just sat in it.

What can I get you, stranger?

Give me a shot.

Of milk.

- Milk? - Two percent.

- Thank you can handle it? - I drink this stuff every day.

Over the lips and through the gums,

look out, tapeworm, here it comes.

Get ready, Tapey.

[giggles]

[sighs]

[alarm ringing, grunting]

Oh, yeah. Smooth.

Right.

[gasps]

He's glorious.

That's right. I used to be sick of everything,

but I'm not sick anymore.

I've been plagued by toxins and stress,

built up over the years at this job,

but SpongeBob washed those away.

[squeals]

Now, who wants to order?

[laughing]

Double Krabby Patty!

[shouting]

[laughing]

Hey, Squidward. Ooh, muscles.

- Oh! - Hey, Squidward.

- Ow. - Hey, Squidward.

More layer pie.

Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.

- Hey, Squidward. - No, no, no!

I think I'm going to be sick.