So if you're someone who has spent the majority of your life caretaking, being constantly available, and self-betraying in order to appease others,

welcome, it's time to embrace your villain era.

When a chronic people pleaser starts to communicate their wants and needs clearly, prioritize themselves and assert and maintain boundaries,

this is not going to be well received by the people around you.

I have two really good friends who used to be chronic people pleasers.

They displayed all of the typical behaviors, agreeing even when they disagreed, apologizing too much, letting people take advantage of them, and taking (the) blame when it wasn't theirs.

But over the past two years, I've witnessed them starting to step into their power.

They've started putting themselves first, speaking up for what they need and want, and setting clear boundaries with friends and partners.

The results: A fuck ton of fallouts.

The people around them were like,

Wait, I'm not getting the same level of limitless giving at the expense of yourself anymore. This isn't fair.

This isn't the relationship dynamic I stand up for. In fact, my needs aren't being met.

Because of this disconnect, my friends were labeled as villains.

It was like the mental gymnastics olympics.

So many narratives were created about how they were villains for no longer providing the same energy that they used to.

My friend summed it up with this beautiful analogy,

Hi, could I order room service.

Oh, I'm so sorry, it's 3 AM, so the kitchen is closed.

You used to have 24/7 room service.

Yes, we did. Unfortunately, we now have set hours, so the kitchen is open from 7 AM to...

What? That's not fair.

Last time I was here, I could order a cheese burrito at 3:43 AM and I want my cheese burrito at 3:43 AM again.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

But as I said, the kitchen is open at 7 AM, so in three hours...

I don't want to wait three hours.

Okay. I want to order my burrito.

I want my 24/7 room service. 24/7. 24/7.

And look, this isn't malicious by the people around them, right?

So much of this is subconscious and unaware.

There is a part of us that feels threatened when a dynamic shifts. We feel unimportant when someone's level of giving changes.

Especially if that giving used to be endless for taking, and it's way easier to tell ourselves,

Oh, that person just feels like they're too good for me now.

Rather than confront the idea that maybe the dynamic we participated in wasn't equal or even kind to the people-pleasing person.

It's really easy for us to make up narratives that shield our ego, and I know that I have definitely been guilty of this.

It's really freaking hard to look at someone through, like, a compassionate lens and depersonalized their growth as not a personal attack on us.

And on top of that, it's very hard to witness someone growing for the better when you feel stuck, right?

It's so difficult to see someone become happier when you're still miserable.

And it's very scary when someone is able to grow and change and become a more fulfilled person because witnessing that means you're fully capable of it too.

And of course, it's easier to stay exactly where we are, ignoring our problems instead of addressing them.

So I urge you (to) embrace your villain era.

People are going to project how they feel about themselves onto you anyway.

Anyone who is a real one and deserves to be in your life will see your change and your growth, and either talk to you about it honestly or just be happy for you.

I'm Anna Akana. Thank you to the patrons who supported today's video and thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring today's episode.