-Thank you. Ooh! -That's what I'm talking about.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Look at this.

-Hasan, it's good to see -- It's good to see you, buds.

-Oh, thank you. Are we really buddies?

-Yes, we're buddies. -No, I'm serious.

-Yes, of course we're buddies. I know your wife.

I've known you for a long time.

-You know, Jimmy, I'm at that age now.

I'm 36 and I realized I don't really have friends.

-What? -You know this.

You hit a certain age,

and unless, you know, it's golf, gambling,

or video games, you have no friends as a --

Steve, do you have any friends? -Yeah.

-No. Right?

Like, Jimmy, do you have friends, sincerely?

-No. -See? That's what I'm saying.

-No, of course -- -No, no, no.

Nancy has friends,

and then you're friends with their husbands.

Okay? Okay?

And this is why I'm jealous, because you met Beena backstage.

And Beena has multiple best friends.

-Yeah. -Multiple.

-Yeah.

-Like, she'll be like, "We have to go to Sara's wedding.

She's my best friend."

I'm like, "We were just at Priya's wedding.

I thought she was your best friend."

And she's like, "You know this.

Best friend is not an individual.

It is a tier."

-You have a tier of best friends.

-And I'm like, "This is just United 1K?

It's 14 girls just vying for a spot in your tier?"

-Yeah. To be all best friends. -Ask a grown man.

Be like, "Hey, who's your best friend?"

They'll be like, "When I was 8?"

Andrew Behrens?

I haven't thought about him in 28 years."

-That's a good name. -No, he's real.

Listen, I was thinking about this.

I was, like -- Yo, I had to fill out an emergency-contact form,

and there were like -- There's two lines, right?

You know this.

It's -- The first one was like, "Family member."

The second one, they're like, "Pick a friend."

The first one, obviously, was Beena.

And then the second one was just 911.

They were like, "The ambulance?" I was like, "No, no.

Don't --" They're like," What if you're having a heart attack?"

I'm like, "Don't call my friends.

They'll make fun of me."

I'm serious.

Like, why can't we support each other, Jimmy?

-Well, you're saying, men of a certain age, why can't we?

-Yeah, like, I want my Instagram comments

to be like Beena's Instagram comments.

Every girl you see in your life, like,

you go to their Instagram comments.

Every time I go to Beena's page, all of her friends, any photo,

"Stunning."

"Gorgeous."

"Hot mama."

"Love your look."

"Killin' it."

"I am screaming."

"Breathtaking."

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Breathtaking.

-Breathtaking. That's right, yeah.

-Tonight, if I go to your Instagram page and I write,

"breathtaking," you will block me.

You'll be like, "Hasan's on ketamine, I think."

-Breathtaking? Wow.

-Is this is a cry for help? -That's interesting, yeah.

No, I would never -- I would never block you.

-Do you cry?

Do you go to therapy? Honestly.

-What's going on? Do I go to therapy?

-Yeah.

-No, I don't go to ther-- I don't.

-Neither do -- See -- -But we can.

-I don't go to therapy, but I do watch Pixar movies.

Every two years.

Every two years, I watch a Pixar movie.

-That's all you need. -Yeah. I get a good cry out.

-Yes! -Fellas, you've got to cry.

It's like masturbating for your emotions.

-Thank you. -You know what I mean?

You just watch "Encanto," you're like...

And then you're like, "I've got to do my taxes."

Just clarity of mind. -Never heard of that one, yeah.

Never put it that way. -Okay. Think about this.

Think about this honestly. -Okay.

-Do you remember the first time you saw your dad cry?

I was 16. How old were you?

-I mean, gosh, I don't really remember.

-This is what I'm talking about. -There's one exact --

-There's one moment, right? I was 16.

Like, my sister came in. She's like, "Dad is crying."

It was like seeing a mountain lion in your driveway.

You're like, "I know this could happen.

I just didn't think it would happen to me."

You know what I mean? Do I walk up to him?

Does he walk up to me?

Do I get big like, "I'm not here to hurt you"?

Like, what do I say?

-To a mountain lion -- Yeah. -Right?

Like, we have these core memories.

There's two core memories you have as a young man, right?

The first time you see your dad cry.

-That's correct.

And the first time you see your dad's [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

You know -- Don't pull a --

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Right? You're like 5 years old.

You're in the shower and you're like, "Whoa!

Papa is packing."

You know, and it's -- 'Cause you --

Don't -- Jimmy, don't do this, okay?

It's like IMAX. You're small. He's -- You know what I mean?

The vantage -- The camera's here, right?

-Oh, no, no, no.

-Think about -- It's like -- Listen, listen.

Don't do that. Don't do that. I'll use a different word.

It's really -- It's like watching "Avengers: Endgame"

for us, right?

Like, when we see -- That's what it is for a little kid.

Like, they're just like, "Whoa, Thanos is huge.

And purple. And wrinkly."

It's just in IMAX. -Oh, my God.

Alright, thank you for -- Yeah. -No, like, it was a treat.

It was a treat to see your dad's Snuffleupagus.

It was a treat.

I remember the day -- 6-1-91.

Like, I will never forget that.

-You have the date burned in your memory?

-Yeah, man. It was a treat. -Wow. Wow.

-And -- You know.

And now I'm making memories with my son.

So I know he's about to -- So I'll be in the shower

and sometimes, I'll just get up -- You know what I mean?

I'll just open up a little bit.

Just let him know what it is.

'Cause I want that to embed in his RAM.

You know what I mean? Just be like, "Oh, yeah."

I want him to walk into Bright Horizons

and be like, "Papa is packing."

-Yeah -- Bright Horizons. -Yeah.

Over on the Upper West Side. You know what it is.

-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I think, for me, it was the crying

and the other moment at the exact same time.

I think it happened at the same time for me.

[ Laughter ]

How is the tour going, by the way?

You sold out Radio City five times over?

-It was amazing, man. -Congratulations.

-Yeah, it's been amazing. [ Cheers and applause ]

-Did I get to tell you this, by the way?

My office is right by Radio City,

and I saw you outside.

Were you taking photos on the roof?

-Yeah, that was me on the roof.

I was like, "I got to let them know what time it is."

-Yeah, I was going to take a picture of you

through the window of you.

-Oh, you should have done that. -I know.

But I was so happy for you, bud.

-So, you get to do these great venues like Radio City,

and then, a few weeks ago,

I was in the South and I was in Nashville.

And I was performing at Andrew Jackson Auditorium.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, like, a little heavy, you know?

The entire time I'm onstage, and right next to me,

there's just a huge painting of Andrew Jackson looking at me.

Like, he's just like, "Taaah!

What are all these Indians doing here?

I thought we gave them smallpox."

Like, he's so angry.

And the promoter was just like,

"Do you want me to take it down?"

I'm like, "No, leave it up. -Ooh.

-I want to anger his ghost." You know what I mean?

-That's what motivates you through the set.

-Yeah. It made me feel a certain way.

And she just goes, "Thank God we don't have Confederate statues."

I'm like, "I love Confederate statues."

-You do? -I was just messing with her.

But I say we leave them up. Leave them up.

Look, you can't change history. You can only curate it, Jimmy.

-Curate it. -Think about it.

I grew up -- I remember. I learned about the Confederacy.

I learned about Robert E. Lee. They were called the rebels.

I'm like, "I'm a rebel. He's just like me.

I don't wear my retainer at night.

He's just like me."

-You were a rebellious by not wearing your retainer, yeah.

-And then I looked it up this past week.

Do you know how long the Confederacy lasted?

-I don't. -Anyone here?

Four years, three months.

Yo, I was an undergrad longer than the Confederacy.

Dude, my wife's IUD lasted longer than the Confederacy.

"Jersey Shore" lasted six seasons.

Alright, some of you guys aren't laughing.

I see that there's virgins here tonight.

So, an IUD...

No, no. You don't know this.

An IUD is a tiny piece of copper.

It goes inside of a woman's uterus.

It's shaped like the Tesla logo. -Okay, alright, yeah, yeah.

Alright.

-Right? [ Rimshot ]

Alright? Okay? Okay?

And that lasted longer than the Confederacy.

So, here's what I say.

I say we keep up the Robert E. Lee statue,

then we have Snooki next to it, and then we have my wife's IUD,

just for historical context.

-Good luck with the rest of the tour.

Hasan Minhaj, everybody.

For tickets, go to hasanminhaj.com.

"The King's Jester" is the name of the tour.

Hasan and I are playing a fun game after the break.

Stick around.