we're putting together montages

of some of our favorite show highlights.

Now, anyone who knows me,

knows I am not a fan of video games.

I don't play them.

And I'm really not good at them at all,

which is why I decided I was the perfect person

to review them.

Why not?

In a segment, we call Clueless Gamer.

(applause)

Here are some

of our best love Clueless Gamer moments.

Conan O'Brien here with another Clueless Gamer.

Why do I fear the Slender Man?

He can kill.

Are you scared, right now?

I would say, is boredom count as scared?

Was this a European game?

No, no.

Is it a European game?

I don't think so.

Because Europeans, man, they blow sometimes.

It is the Slender Man.

It is an old folk tale, the Slender Man.

What does he do to children?

He takes away their chestnuts.

Oh, that's a European truck.

Tell me that's not some weird, Dutch truck.

Look at that.

That's a Stroby.

I did the voice of this guy.

Why would a Gondorian come here,

and try to murder all of the orcs?

Maybe you have a problem with one orc.

You didn't change your voice at all.

You in no way changed your voice.

What was that?

You're just, want us to just do

some spare lines from Silicon Valley

and call it a day.

Don't see this ending well.

What are you saying?

I'm saying Piper needs funding.

You can design your own character.

I've been hard at work at mine and that's me.

Leg to torso ratio is about correct.

From Boston, Massachusetts.

God,

that's humiliating.

What an asshole.

Oh, I'm surprised I'm not shot, right now.

Hello?

I'm coming.

Remember when we were in that band together?

Yeah, weren't you a bass player in the Deftones?

Hey, you want to go bug some people

down in Venice?

Hey man, listen.

You don't get it, man.

Mason had a plan, man.

He had a plan.

Look, I just got fired from Amoeba, all right?

For now, where am I shoot to work?

Look, I did your tattoos for you for free.

Ow, ow, ow.

I haven't done any of this, by the way.

No, this is.

Just so you at home know,

we haven't touched the controller for 45 minutes.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

okay, okay,

dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

You don't have to pay me for the tattoos.

You don't have to pay me for the tattoos.

It's fine.

I don't know.

Uncross your eyes?

No,

no.

Kick me out of a strip club,

I come back with a missile firing chopper.

There it is, right below us.

Where?

Yeah.

You got hit pretty hard.

I did, yeah.

You were playing the Vikings.

I wanted to show a video of you getting tackled

but NFL won't let us have the footage.

So the closest thing we can do is show

this simulation of what happened to you.

Take a look.

All right, then there's Samus.

Wasn't this one of the guys from Daft Punk?

What's this one, Marth?

So these are all from different games.

Yes.

It expands the world of Nintendo.

Do you know about all these games?

Yes.

So you have, you've got no life.

You've put in all your eggs into this basket.

All right, so Greninja is, that's his tongue

and his scarf.

He's like a, kind of like a frog.

Quick, who was our second president

after Washington?

Benjamin Franklin?

He was never president.

Benjamin Franklin.

Uh, no, no, no, it was, uh.

You know all this shit.

But you don't know who our second president was.

Quick, what's his name?

I mean he's a villager, from Animal Crossing.

And who's that?

That's from Fire Emblem, that's Marth.

Okay, America just lost.

You get to play yourself.

There you are, and.

What do you think?

Wait, wait, wait, they gave you the same score as me.

Yeah.

There I am getting moisturizer.

Okay, this is exciting.

Look at me, I have no fear.

Hey, hey, hey, no, hey.

What the hell was that?

That's me after three beers.

Oh my God, this is fantastic.

And so now, we've got to get across the street.

Get across the street.

I'm going to cross the street.

Here we go.

Cross the street, watch yourself.

Oh, no.

You know what, they don't even slow down

when I've been hit.

Get across the street.

Shut up.

Here I go.

Get across the street. Get across the street.

Stop saying that.

I'm going.

No.

I am not leaving this room

until I get across this street.

I'm almost across, oh.

Get across the street.

Shut up, shut up.

No, oh God.

Oh.

This is the hardest thing I've done in my life.

Get across the street.

How do you run, again?

Get across the street.

Yes, yes.

Wait a minute, look at that.

There's a bridge that goes across the street.

There's a pedestrian crossover.

You stupid idiot.

Peter, you are the winner,

because it's Game of Thrones,

you will now be presented with my head on a spike

by our George RR Martin lookalike.

It's kind of me.

I'm chasing Tom Brady.

Focus.

What? What did I just do?

You won.

You just knocked Tom Brady off the bridge.

Oh, God.

He's dead.

Round two.

Round three, this decides it.

There you go.

No, what the hell happened?

This is Mario Kart version eight, is that right?

I don't know.

We were thinking maybe we should have like

stakes to it, like, uh-

Stakes to the game?

Like if the lose, like something happens

if you lose.

Like a college thing.

Like people draw shit on each other's faces?

Like dicks?

Wait, did I just come in first?

You did just come in first.

I came in first.

Something like that.

And look at my own natural arm hair

has created hair.

Look at that.

Dude, you're done.

Yes.

That's not bad at all.

Okay, then,

the game is Mario Kart eight.

And it is rated E, for everyone.

This is where I struggle with RPGs

because it's a lot of just walking around.

I got no credits.

This is, we're trapped in a Beckett play.

There's nothing,

there's nothing that's going to happen,

we're waiting for things that can't happen.

This is an aggressive wasting of our time.

Look at that thing.

What, the (beep) is this?

Wow.

It's a really impressive beast,

could have started the game with this thing.

Tell me when something happens.

Was that it?

That was the battle?

What, did something happen?

That's it?

I don't really feel a sense of accomplishment.

That was just to suss him out,

and then when you actually battle him

it takes three real days.

What's the point of all this?

It seriously takes three real days?

It takes-

Why would someone play this?

Why would someone play this game?

People who made the game are outside

and I didn't realize they're watching us

so they're actually watching me, now,

complain viciously about it.

And they're both behind that door.

And here's the beauty,

the only way out of the room,

is through that door.

The only way Elijah and I could get to our cars,

go back to our lives is through that door.

And they're still watching me say this.

We have to face them.

This, what's happening now,

is more thrilling than anything that happened

to this (inaudible).

Hello?

You've been working on this game for seven months?

What's the (beep) purpose?

You're a murderer.

A mass murderer of people's time.

Babies will not be born because of you.

Crops will not be brought in from the fields.

That said, good job.