otherwise you're going to stay stuck in a cycle of blame, guilt, shame and self-punishment,

否則你會陷入責備、內疚、羞恥和自我懲罰的循環中，

and I know from personal experience that is hell on Earth.

我從個人經驗中知道那是人間地獄。

So I woke up that day and I was really excited because it was our school sports day that afternoon.

那天我醒來的時候真的很興奮，因為那天下午是我們學校的運動會。

I really thought I was in with a chance of getting a medal.

我相信自己有機會獲獎。

(In 1893, Lis Cashin was just 13 years old, and excited to be chosen to throw the javelin in a school competition.)

（1893 年，當時 Lis Cashin 13 歲，她很高興被選中在學校比賽中投擲標槍。）

I walked over to the runners' box and I picked the javelin up, I took a really deep breath, and then I threw the javelin as hard as I could.

我走到選手預備區，拿起標槍，深深地吸了一口氣，然後用盡全力將標槍扔了出去。

At the very last moment, it veered to the right, and headed towards my friend Sammy.

在最後一刻，它向右轉，朝著我的朋友 Sammy 射去。

I saw the javelin strike her in the head, just above her left eye.

我看到標槍擊中了她的頭部，就在她的左眼上方。

She stumbled forwards and there was lots of blood.

她踉踉蹌蹌地往前走，流了很多血。

I just collapsed onto my knees with my head in my hands saying, "Oh, my God, oh, my God."

我就這樣抱著頭跪倒在地，說：「哦，我的天啊，哦，我的天啊。」

I just couldn't process what was happening.

我沒辦法消化正在發生的事情。

(Tragically, Lis' friend Sammy died of her injuries four fays later.)

（不幸的是，Lis 的朋友 Sammy 在四天後傷重不治。）

The accident was all over the news, all over the media, and I think my family wanted to try and protect me from that.

這起事故在新聞中隨處可見，所有媒體都在報導，我想我的家人想試圖保護我免受其害。

But nobody really knew what to do, and so I was really sort of left to get on with things on my own.

但是沒有人真正知道該怎麼做，所以，我被丟著自己解決。

I already had a very difficult relationship with my stepfather,

我跟繼父的關係本來就處不好，

and on the way back from Sammy's funeral, he said that "We were never to mention her name in our house again."

在從 Sammy 的葬禮回來的時候，他說：「以後在我們家不准提到她的名字。」

And so not only did I not get any professional help to come to terms with things, I couldn't even talk about it at home.

所以我不僅沒有得到任何專業幫助來處理事情，我甚至不能在家裡談論這件事。

(Lis developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, although she wasn't diagnosed until years later.)

（Lis 罹患創傷後壓力症候群，雖然她在幾年之後才被診斷出來。）

(PTSD is a mental health condition characterised by flashbac ks, insomnia and severe emotional distress...)

（PTSD 是一種特徵為在腦中重現創傷事件、失眠和嚴重情緒困擾心理健康疾病...）

(As well as the immeidate imacpt, Lis blamed herself for decades afterwards,

（除了直接的影響，Lis 在之後的幾十年內都責備自己，

despited the fact that the inquest had concluded that Sammy's death as not her fault.)

儘管調查得出結論認為 Sammy 的死不是她的錯。）

I just felt like I had to pretend to everyone that I was OK, when really I was feeling all of this mental and emotional turmoil.

我感覺我必須向所有人假裝說我很好，但我其實在精神和情緒上都很動盪。

(When Lis was 47, she started trauma therapy.)

（當 Lis 47 歲時，她開始進行創傷治療。）

(Slowly, she was able to see that Sammy's death was not her fault.)

（漸漸地，她開始看清 Sammy 的死並不是她的錯。）

After that therapy, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

在接受治療之後，我感覺肩上的重擔被卸下了。

In the moment when I realised that I'd done nothing wrong.

在我意識到我沒有做錯的那一刻。

I also realised all the pain and the suffering that I had created for myself.

我也意識到所有的痛苦和折磨這是我為自己創造的。

When I talk to people about self-forgiveness, I've never experienced such pain in a room.

當我和人們談論自我寬恕時，我從來沒有經歷過這樣的痛苦。

It's far greater than when I talk to people about forgiving others.

這比我與人們談論寬恕他人時要沈重得多。

Self-forgiveness cuts to the core of our identity.

自我寬恕切入了我們身份的核心。

People often go on journeys of self-discovery, and Lis Cashin's a very good example of that.

人們經常進行自我發現的旅程，而 Lis Cashin 就是一個很好的例子。

It took decades for her to move to a place of forgiving herself and then, in a way, then moving beyond forgiving herself,

她花了幾十年的時間才原諒自己，然後，在某種程度上，超越了原諒自己，

because she realised she was a child, it was an accident,

因為她意識到自己當時還是個孩子，那是個意外，

there were adults there who should have taken the entire responsibility for what had happened on the school playground that day.

當時應該是成年人要為那天在學校操場上發生的事情承擔全部責任。

So the accident had happened, but then it was me that had created these really destructive beliefs about myself - that I was evil, that I deserved to be punished -

事故發生了，但是我自己產生了這些不好的的念頭——我是邪惡的，我應該受到懲罰——

and I'd gone on to punish myself in many ways over many years.

多年來，我一直在以多種方式懲罰自己。

And when I realized that, it was like my heart broke open and I developed self-compassion,

當我意識到這一點時，感覺我的心房打開了，我開始會自我同情，

and really needed to forgive myself for hurting myself for so many years.

而且真的需要原諒自己傷害了自己這麼多年。

(What can you fo if you are struggling to forgive yourself?)

（如果你很難原諒自己，你能做什麼？）

I think self-forgiveness is very much wrapped up with guilt and shame, and this is why I think accepting yourself for who you are is critical to everything.

我認為自我寬恕在很大程度上被內疚和羞恥所包圍，這就是為什麼我認為接受自己對一切都至關重要。

It's about having this broader perspective on life.

這是跟對生活有更廣闊的視野有關。

So for instance, in the case where you may... you may have had a drug addiction in the past and caused a lot of damage to yourself and others.

舉例來說，在你你過去可能曾有過毒癮，並給自己和他人造成了很大的傷害的情況下。

You may then actually broaden your perspective to look beyond yourself. Why had this happened?

你可能會拓寬視野，超越自己。 為什麼會這樣？

It's an addiction. It's an illness.

這是一種成癮。這是一種疾病。

And that can really make a change to how you perceive yourself and how your life progresses.

而這確實可以改變你如何看待自己和你的生活是如何進展的。

By talking to others, by exploring other people's stories that are similar to yours.

通過與他人交談、通過探索其他人跟你類似的故事，

What happened to them? How is it similar? How is it different?

問問在他們身上發生了什麼事？與你的經驗有何相似之處？有何不同？

And then I think key to everything is self-awareness.

然後我想一切的關鍵是自我意識。

Going on a journey to discover who you are.

走上發現自己是誰的旅程。

Knowing yourself better.

更好地瞭解自己。

Because if we don't know ourselves, we become deluded, very often, and we create great damage in the world.

因為如果我們不了解自己，我們就會經常被迷惑，我們會在世界上造成巨大的傷害。

There's a wonderful quote by the spiritual writer Richard Rohr. He says, "...if we don not transform our pain, we will most asuredly transmit it."

精神作家理查德·羅爾有一句棒的名言， 他說「……如果我們不改變我們的痛苦，我們肯定會散播它。」

So now I make it my mission every day to really practise love and self-care.

所以現在我每天都把練習愛自己和自我照顧作為我的使命。

I meditate every day, I make sure I get out in nature or exercise.

我每天都會冥想、我會確保走進大自然或運動。

I have a really brilliant support network of friends now, and family.

我現在有非常出色的朋友及家人支持。

I'll reach out for professional support if I feel I still need it.

如果我覺得我仍然需要幫助時我會向專業人員尋求協助。

And now the thoughts I have towards myself are much more loving, and accepting, and forgiving.

現在我對自己的看法更加有愛、接受和寬恕。

Some people have said that self-forgiveness is selfish.

有些人說，自我寬恕是自私的。

I don't think that's the case at all.

我認為情況根本不是這樣的。

Because if you can't forgive yourself, you are central to your drama, and you're probably telling everyone about it all the time.

因為如果你不能原諒自己，那麼你就是戲劇的核心，而且你可能會一直告訴所有人。

Or if you're not, it's in your head all the time.

或者，如果你不這樣做的話，它也會一直停留在你的腦海中。

Self-forgiveness is about making peace with things you've done which you cannot change.

自我寬恕是與你所做的、你無法改變的事情和平相處。

And also it's about accepting you are fallible human being, just like the rest of the human race.

也是關於接受你是一個容易犯錯的人，就像其他人類一樣。