and naturally the conversation turned

towards our dating lives when she said,

- Oh, I never text first.

- Never?

- Never.

- What if you wanna see them?

- Then they can see me.

- What if they don't think you like them?

- Then they don't like me enough.

- What if they're trying to gauge

how interested you actually are

by backing off, and hoping you take initiative?

- Then we never talk again.

- Now this kind of behavior, shouldn't be surprising

given the vernacular and messages around dating

that are aimed at women,

particularly those women who date men.

You know, we're told that initiating

may come off as needy, desperate, clingy

and that any proactive participation on our part

will essentially extinguish the thrill of the chase.

- Hey, like did you want to go out?

- I'd love to.

- (screams) What the hell?

- I'm sorry. I responded way too soon.

I should have waited at least an hour.

- (screams) Why do you keep doing that?

- You know,

I really just was too insecure and honest in that moment.

I'm no longer mysterious.

- (screams)

No! No! My eyes!

- And who could forget that complete culture permeation

of the 1995 classic self-help book, "The Rules",

written by the two most qualified professionals

on the topic of love.

An accountant, and a freelance journalist.

Full of genuine wisdom like, don't ask men to dance,

rarely return his calls and my personal favorite,

be a creature, unlike any other.

- Hey girl, come here often.

Ca-caw! A suitor has approached!

I rate you a 3.5 on attractiveness.

- That's hot.

Wait, out of 5 or 10?

- Ca-caw! Wouldn't you like to know?

- I love your eyes.

- Ca-caw! You're so obsessed with me.

- Girl, you're mysterious. Can't even tell if you're human.

You're hot.

Ca-caw.

- Incredibly helpful advice. Right?

And I've been single for nearly four years, so like,

I dunno, maybe these heteronormative,

incredibly conservative, gender traditional advice

things are all right. And I'm wrong.

After all my friend did say,

- I do it because it helps weed out

who's really interested or not.

I'd like to be pursued,

and I don't want to get invested in someone

who's just gonna ghost.

- That makes total sense.

But I think I'm a more, you know,

naturally assertive person.

Waiting around for someone I like

to ask me out is not only going to drive me insane,

but I'll get like no work done

because of the anxiety of it all.

I'd rather just ask and then know, you know?

- But what if you're ruining your chances?

- If someone's going to be turned off because I initiated,

then it's not going to work out long-term anyway.

That's just a part of who I am.

- I get that.

But I just feel like at the beginning of a relationship,

you have to see who's gonna step up.

- I don't know.

What if were at a point now societally,

where they're just too afraid to ask?

- Then they don't care enough.

- And that conversation with my friend,

I'm not going to lie,

it drove me pretty insane,

and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

So I decided to find scientific data,

and expert evidence to make my case.

Most of the research I found came from Jon Birger's book,

"Make Your Move:

The New Science of Dating and Why Women Are in Charge."

Birger argues that the dating landscape has changed.

You know, we can't ignore how the #MeToo Movement,

and the rise of feminism,

both wonderful things, have shifted the dating culture.

Men, to be sort of general here;

are more and more afraid of asking women out,

in case they come across as creepy or inappropriate.

Yet women are still expecting them to take the lead.

Society is changing, says Birger,

so it's time for dating to evolve along with it.

Women are now leaders in the workplace,

trailblazers in city halls, and state houses and Congress.

So why are we still operating by outdated rules when it

comes to love?

We're a generation of bad-ass bold women,

and yet we're expected to sit back and wait,

instead of go after what we want.

"Make Your Move" is backed by research to show you that it's

better to choose than be chosen.

The first move does not always have to be a big move,

and that playing hard to get isn't just outdated,

but grounded in bad science.

Music to my ears.

Plus Birger shows that doing the opposite pays off:

women willing to put themselves out there and initiate

relationships have more success than those who wait for

their someone to find them.

In fact, a 2005 study in the Journal of Sex Research,

72% of men said they preferred women to make the first

move. And a 2017 survey by the dating app Match, found that

95% of men wanted women to initiate the first kiss,

and just as many wanted women to ask for their numbers.

So we're getting more and more evidence all the time that

women making the first move has a plethora of benefits.

OkCupid found that message threads initiated by women

were more likely to turn into longer conversations,

and that women who sent the first message

would likely end up with more attractive partners.

According to a 2018 study

in Personality and Individual Differences,

"Women also have better sexual experiences

when they make the first move."

Snap.

- Excellent opener.

- So no matter what your dating style is,

I hope this video at least tells you that it's not wrong.

I mean, if you prefer to sit back and be pursued,

more power to you.

But I hope that decision is full of intention,

and discernment, rather than being motivated by fear.

Because being the initiator can be an equally powerful way

to get what you want.

I'm Anna Akana,

and thank you to the Patreons who supported today's video.

And thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode.

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Yeah.