Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

It's our birthday and we'll black out if we want to.

No, no.

I mean you can, but I'm going to refrain.

I can only have two glasses of biodynamic and organic wine chilled, preferably white or orange.

No added sugar.

Okay, well, I'll just sip on my vodka pineapple with a splash of cran.

You would, you're not gonna feel anything tomorrow.

I bet you won't feel anything.

Right?

Right, okay.

Well, you're me from the future.

So, dish the deeds.

Do I have kids?

No, I'm married.

I'm not even close.

Do I?

At least have like a boyfriend?

That's pretty presumptuous.

Oh, you still think you're straight?

Uh well, it's kind of up in the air right now.

It's like a whole thing.

It's kind of complicated.

But technically, no, we're alone.

Okay, next, you're gonna tell me we're like some sad lady with six cats or something.

How many do you have right now?

3?

Okay, well, no, you do not have six cans okay anymore.

What?

Oh my God, is there anything in my life?

That's good in a decade?

Uh well, you own a house.

Okay, that's cool.

Homeownership, technically the bank owns the house.

And with this economy maybe they always will.

Oh my God.

Is it chad hide me?

No, I just looked to the left and I like got a kink in my neck.

Okay.

Sorry.

Oh God.

I went to sleep last night.

That was a mistake.

I just destroyed my spine.

My God, my life is so pathetic and fucking sad.

I have no friends, no love, no life.

Okay, well that's a bit much.

I would disagree right now, you're a bundle of insecurity, blind optimism and self indulgence.

I am self awareness.

Self confidence and pragmatic nihilism.

Really?

Because it just seems like you're jaded and sad and your body is falling apart.

That's true.

My knees, Oh my God, I don't want to end up like you, my whole life is ahead of me.

I have boundless excitement and energy.

I'm gonna change the world.

You know, this chair has really good back support.

I wonder what the brand is.

Okay, I'm, I'm gonna go.

I have like a party with a lot of people waiting for me.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

We haven't done gifts.

Let's do a little gift of gifts.

What the is this?

It's nonstick.

I wish I had that 10 years ago.

You don't even need oil.

This is used.

Oh mm You got me champagne after I said the thing about no added sugar.

Well, thank you for this.

Um, I can't have it.

I'll have a zip and a migraine tomorrow morning.

So you can just my God, I have to stop this.

I cannot turn into you.

Oh my God, you're so sad.

This is like some back to the future ship.

I have to change the timeline.

Okay, listen, kid, chill out.

This is a natural part of aging.

You know when you turn 30 you're gonna physically recoil at any event that starts at nine PM or later, you're gonna have to eat, Eat well and exercise religiously to stave off the crushing weight of a slow down metabolism.

You will have to date with an eagle eye for long term compatibility instead of being able to walk around and waste a few years on someone's potential.

Oh my God, none of that sounds good.

I like my life right now.

I like staying up past midnight and being spontaneous and sucking someone five times a day.

Oh my God, just the thought of that.

You just wait and see.

I'm never gonna change.

By the time I'm 30, I'm gonna be exactly the same.

Oh, alright, well have fun kids.

You don't even know.

Oh ship, happy birthday.

30!

Happy birthday!

Who are you 40?

I'm gonna need a hot tea with a wedge of lemon and three ice cubes.

Oh God.

Okay.

Okay, I can do, I can do it.

I can do the reality of someone giving me a used pan.

I would be so funny.

Like what the fuck dammit dammit dammit.

I'm anaconda.

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